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"It says here to 'Leave no stone unturned.' "

 

"Now we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help. Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task."
"Oh, like the new Avengers."
"Which one was that?"
"The one you slept through last weekend."
"Ah. That was a good nap."
"I think it's more like, uh,... like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Someone's gotta go to Gondor, someone's gotta go to Mordor, someone's gotta hold off the Demon of Shadow and Flame."
"You mean the Balrog?"
"I mean my mother."

 

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"It says here to 'Leave no stone unturned.' "

 

"Now we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help. Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task."
"Oh, like the new Avengers."
"Which one was that?"
"The one you slept through last weekend."
"Ah. That was a good nap."
"I think it's more like, uh,... like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Someone's gotta go to Gondor, someone's gotta go to Mordor, someone's gotta hold off the Demon of Shadow and Flame."
"You mean the Balrog?"
"I mean my mother."
 
 
"You're probably wondering why I put you through this."
"You mean the last two minutes or the last twenty years?"
 
 
"Hey, watcha doing?"
"Improving our wedding photos."
"Oh, that's nice. Wait, I'm still in them, right?"
"Of course. And not only you. I've added some guests who couldn't be there."
"Who's that next to my father?"
"The Wright brothers."
"And why are they at our wedding?"
"Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one."
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""Yeah, it’s weirdly quiet. Nobody’s in the street."

"Huh, that’s strange."

"You thinking what I’m thinking?"
"They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague."
"Exactly."
"Let me just lock up here."
"Okay, so what do we do?"
"Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we’re the last two people alive we’re gonna have to rebuild civilization."
"Do you have any special skills?"
"I can draw. How about you?"
"I can play clarinet."
"I didn’t know that."
"Yeah. Ten years. Ah."
"You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth."
"I’m okay with that."
"So shall we?"
"Wait here. I’m gonna brush my teeth."
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"Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and..."
"He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble."
 
 
 
"My mother's texting you?
"Yeah, we've been talking a lot lately."
"Why? Is she sick of talking to the Magic Mirror on the wall?"
"No, I think she's lonely. She's been reaching out."
 
 
"Wake up. It's time."
"Oh. Did your water break?"
"No."
"Are you feeling any contractions?"
"No."
"Wait. Well, where are you going?"
"To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now."

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| I was talking to my favorite aunt."
"Aunt Felda right?"
"Yeah."
"Did she ever figure what that thing on her knee was?"
"Turned out to be a chocolate chip."
"That makes sense, she does love to bake."
"She does, you are a thoroughbred!"
 
 
"You're an adult who can't get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don't want that."
"What are you saying? That you're giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?"
"I have six children, five of whom are married and self-sufficient. I don't think I'm the problem."
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"There's a baby in there!"      Oh, yeah-THAT'S where I put it."

 

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..."

"What happened?"
"I tried to let go of anger, and threw a rock into my foot."
"Then, he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot."
"What?!   And what happened to you?!"
"Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose! It's fine!"
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"Wait, so you're just gonna take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?"
"That one I can tell you. Yes."
"Well, this is all very upsetting."
"I'm sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people's feelings."
"Wait, if that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies!"
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