Was it a waste?

[Belle]

Had a discussions, e-mails and PMs with a few different people over the week-end and it stirred up some thoughts in me. Mind if I think and ponder out loud? (Some of these are quotes from some of those conversations….)

Did think we ALL lose sleep and become infinitely less productive when we first found Gspot and/or WayDale? I didn't sleep for months and I could only access it from work because of my husband, but I would sure lay in bed at night crying or fuming or thinking about all the stuff I'd read. I also worried about getting possessed, about the devil taking over my life and about TWIt leadership finding out I’d been disobedient.

There’s a whole lot of information provided and it's a halogen light put on so many issues and answers so many questions about things we saw, witnessed or questioned in our own brains. It gets easier to digest and to pick & choose as you get to know the different posters, their styles and the different issues. A lot of things get repeated over and over again, too. It happens because there is so much in the archives and you can't find everything you want or need all the time – besides that, it can be daunting and intimidating to try to read everything. A new person will post a question or have trouble with a situation, so we go through the whole topic again. It's all good! it's also different perspectives that come out, too – particularly as new people contribute or those who have moved along just a wee bit more in recovering and/or dealing with leaving.

I'm so glad to be in therapy! :P Not to make light of it, by any means.... It's very hard to learn and realize that what we thought was a little piece of heaven on earth was one big whited sepulchre of greed, hate and destruction. We can't blame ourselves for what happened with TWI or our own lives - we were snookered - we were taken advantage of. We loved God and we wanted to learn more about Him - how to best live for Him and how to help others have the same. TWI exploited that in us and we were harmless as lambs, but not wise as serpents.... We got that way though, and when we did; we did something about it. ;)

We were taught in TWI that leadership knew best and to obey them even if they were wrong - that was teaching us to ignore that still small voice of God. They systematically replaced God working within us to running every little thing by them. We suppressed, ignored or doubted when God was working in us - making us feel uneasy - making us question teachings, actions, activities, legalistic religious rules of TWI..... It's when we started hearing God again that we realized what we were missing and took action to do something about it - unfortunately we couldn't change TWI so we had to leave for our own health, safety, sanity and that of our families. We should be PROUD of what we've done!! PROUD of what we've survived!! And GLAD that we have had this experience to be able to help others. :)

I didn't get to that point overnight and it's so much easier to type than to believe sometimes, but I really and truly do believe that. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like I'm just wasting ink typing here at GSpot and then I get a PM from someon and I remember how nice it was to have people that I could contact when I was going through what they’re going through. Those people were invaluable to me and they are now very dear friends - even though I've never met most of them in person.

I also help people who've never even heard of TWI. In fact, yesterday, I was at a Christmas Cookie Swap and we were all sitting around chatting. I was telling them about getting to meet some people here for the first time in six years of them helping me and being my friend on the Internet. I wasn't going to mention "the cult thing" but just that I finally got to meet some cyber-friends in person after six years. They asked how we met on the Internet and what kind of group it was, so I told them (I'm no longer ashamed of it). Turns out one girl's parents were in the Church of the Nazarene - pretty high up the ladder and her mom had abused her sexually her whole life. She was very conflicted about the whole thing. How could people who were supposedly so “Godly” and so devoted to helping people through mission work be so evil and cruel?

She asked me lots of questions and advice. She couldn't believe she was sharing such intimate details of her life with someone she had just met. It was unreal! BUT if I hadn't had the experience I did or if I had been ashamed of it, I wouldn't have been able to help this woman like I was. I floated home on cloud 9 - I had made a new friend, used my experience to help someone and she left feeling so much better and thanking me profusely for sharing all that with her. We swapped phone numbers and plan to do some things together after Christmas.

I guess I realized this week-end that it's not a waste - I believe we're each one here for a reason and, perhaps, this is part of the reason we're here. Am I mad that I'm not married and that my husband turned out to be a fraud? You betcha! Am I sad that I may never get to have the kids and family that I always dreamed about? You bet your sweet foot I am! Can't dwell on that, though. I just keep plugging along, going to therapy and helping people when I can - we have a wealth of experience and knowledge and we can truly help people - which is why we got involved with TWI in the first place for, right? ;)

I hope that makes sense!! It does in my brain, but doesn't always come across the same in cyber space.

For those who are contemplating getting out or have recently gotten free from TWI, it DOES get better! I promise!! It gets more peaceful and you do get more joy in your life now that you can make your own decisions and God is able to work within you like he couldn’t in TWI. He loves you and is so proud of you, I'm sure! Recovering and getting comfortable with this takes a long time, so be gentle, easy and patient with yourself.

[oldiesman]

I'm so glad to be in therapy! :P Not to make light of it, by any means.... It's very hard to learn and realize that what we thought was a little piece of heaven on earth was one big whited sepulchre of greed, hate and destruction.

Sounds to me like you are getting brainwashed. :o

[rascal]

Bell...that is the only sense I can make of it.....that we now have the unique insight into manipulation and control.....it seems that there are many areas that we can apply this knowledge.

[themex]

Precious Belle:

For me it is not a waste or time. We all have been worried about getting possessed. And need answers to what had happened with TWI. And this place is the place for answers. Every one and each whit our post help each other. And have the information with different perspectives. Also we can express our opinions and our doubts.

I think that if the TWI leaderships is wrong we do not have to obey them, I do not have to follow the leadership of a lesbian neither a Rev. with animal spirits. :P

p.d. are you blonde, redheaded or brunette?

:wub:

[Galen]

a waste?

Perhaps for some. but others of us ministered to help those in need. Ran fellowships and had fun. We studied the Bible, healed folks and kept things 'posetive'.

The only real wasted times that I recall were the few minutes every yer or two that I had to deal with Corps-nazis. but fortunately many many of us did not deal with WC with any routine basis. So over all it is not bad.

Obviously it did get worse and worse as the years went by, and Each of us finally got to some point where the BS was just too over-whelming.

[Belle]

Galen, I'm really glad that so many of you had great times. I had really great times in my Youth Group in the church growing up. My parents were some of the favorite Sunday School Teachers and chaperones, but I know the church there is not the same (nor is it demographically convenient). I also don't have any of those times with TWI, but I didn't get involved in TWI till 1993.

Because there really were no "good times" like that and it was really only ego and intellectual Bible-knowledge based for me by that time, it's really hard to consider that it WASN'T a waste of time. The only value I can find, personally, is that I was there - I lived through it - and now I can help others avoid so many wasted years.

Thank you for your input, though. :) I really appreciate it!

[excathedra]

oldies has to say the brainwashing thing

galen has to say the corps nazi thing

oh well i should just do my thing and curse :)

[skyrider]

She asked me lots of questions and advice. She couldn't believe she was sharing such intimate details of her life with someone she had just met. It was unreal! BUT if I hadn't had the experience I did or if I had been ashamed of it, I wouldn't have been able to help this woman like I was. I floated home on cloud 9 - I had made a new friend, used my experience to help someone and she left feeling so much better and thanking me profusely for sharing all that with her. We swapped phone numbers and plan to do some things together after Christmas.

I guess I realized this week-end that it's not a waste - I believe we're each one here for a reason and, perhaps, this is part of the reason we're here....

AMEN, Belle....

Our experience speaks volumes to scores of people. And, our bullshxx detector is able to help others in all walks of life.

Besides........at last count, I think I've helped about 60 people exit twi's deceptive doctrines. I quit counting about two years ago.

[Belle]

Feels good, don't it, Skyrider? :D It's times like that when I quit being upset about my involvement with TWI. I'm so happy that people feel safe contacting me and that I'm able to help them. Kinda makes all the He11 we went through a lot bearable. Ya know, if I had known you and if I hadn't had the support group I already had in place when I was going through my personal HE11, I would have contacted you. :) I'm glad to know you now!

Excie, you curse away!!! I love you just the way you are and wouldn't change a thing about who you are and how you are!!

[coolchef1248 @adelphia.net]

belle

ya know one of the best things about getting out?

having a place like this and meeting people like you

so a waste?

no

and i might add that twi

did lead me to the love of god

[excathedra]

don't you think god led you to his love ?

but i guess you could say you feel the way was the avenue for you

thanks belle

[skyrider]

Yeah Belle......it does feel good to help others with genuine concern.

And, imagine........we have YEARS ahead of us to keep doing just that! No hidden agendas, no quotas to fill, no classes to promote for some self-serving outfit, no vein-popping confrontations, no deceptions.

Yeah.......LIFE is good. :)

[Oakspear]

It was not a waste of time. I made many friends during my days abusing drugs, and got to help others abuse drugs as well. Heck, I wouln't have been able to lose all that weight if it weren't for my heroin habit.

[Belle]

You know, Oak, you're right. I guess I didn't say it the way I meant. I really and truly have nothing good to take away from my time with TWI.

I didn't have any true friends while I was involved.

I didn't meet anyone who enriched my life or made it better.

I didn't learn anything that I use today - especially not anything that I couldn't have learned somewhere else.

I didn't really have any great times associated with any TWI functions.

I didn't even have true love while I was involved.

I didn't get closer to my family as promised.

I didn't get closer to God as promised.

I didn't come out better than I went in.

I even wasted the money my daddy had saved up for me to have my dream wedding.

I wasted eight years trying to love someone who didn't really love.

I wasted my "fertile" years by not having the children I desperately wanted.

I wasted the time I could have enjoyed getting to know my young cousins who don't know me now and really don't care.

I wasted time at stupid functions instead of attending holiday celebrations, weddings, graduations and family reunions with the people who really do love me.

I really have absolutely NOTHING good to say about my time in TWI.

BUT, I suppose how I deal with this ten year stint with heroin is by trying to turn it into something I can use to keep others off heroin and to help those who are addicted get free from it. You did the same thing for me and for that I am eternally grateful!

[CoolWaters]

Hiya Belle Louise! :)

I've been thinking about this a whole lot...

You know the Man with 1000s of something who runs around here sometimes? His signature says, "The lessons repeat themselves until they are learned."

For me...and for me only can I speak...I have come to understand that regardless of where, with whom, with what group, whatever, I was going to learn the lessons one way or another. (I don't think I intended that pun, but what the heck...it works. LOL)

In other words, nothing can be considered a waste because I was going to have to learn the lessons anyway. I can say for absolute certainty that I am glad I was in twi instead of Moses David/Children of God...which was my cult du jour before twi.

Edited December 22, 2005 by CoolWaters

[markomalley]

Hey, CW...nice seein' your Avatar. Long time!

[Belle]

(((((((THELMA)))))))))

I have SOOOOO missed you!!! I reckon we need to make another date to catch up! I'll call you tomorrow to set a date. :) UNLESS your phone number has changed --- if so, e-mail or call me. :P

Mark O'Malley, You truly are a class act! Thank you for posting here!