So much wisdom on this board! I appreciate each and every one of you!!
When I got divorced I really missed human touch. Real live personal touch - so I started paying a certified massage therapist once a month. She sets up the aromatherapy, groovy new age music, lights the candles and leaves me fully relaxed, peaceful and feeling awesome. It's not sex, but it IS cheaper and safer than cruising bars. ;)
I've started working on my health, too. Eating healthier, getting rid of the depression weight I gained and spending more time walking the dog. I'm starting to look better and feel better.
It's been a year and a half and while I'm so much better off, I can't get over the stygma of being divorced sometimes. Like, when you fill out something for a Dr. office or something and they ask marital status...why do they have divorced, widowed and single on there? Why does it matter WHY I'm single? I just check "single" sometimes because I hate checking that "divorced" option.
It's been a year and a half and while I'm so much better off, I can't get over the stygma of being divorced sometimes. Like, when you fill out something for a Dr. office or something and they ask marital status...why do they have divorced, widowed and single on there? Why does it matter WHY I'm single? I just check "single" sometimes because I hate checking that "divorced" option.
Oh Dear Belle,
I remember that too! I had the same exact thoughts about marking those damn forms at a doctor's office. My heart is with you.
“Having once been blind-sided by a divorce I should have seen coming and only able to speak concerning that and "that" woman, I am reminded of the words of wisdom my dear Mother spoke afterwards. " You didn't see it coming because she kept so many things hidden from you".”
Me too. And my husband blamed me for the divorce. It never occurred to him that my reactions were in response to his actions [or lack of].
I fought hard to work it out, by actions, non-actions, changing, etc. I never expected divorce to be an option.
I believe love is a choice. We choose to love others even when they are acting unlovable. It’s hard but is very doable. Today, people take the easier road, which is to leave.
What to do? Cry, get angry, and then start working for your own success. Stay busy. I started taking care of myself. Healthier diet, exercise, and mental growth. Took classes that interested me, put my energies into new job skills. Spent time with my kids.
Today, I'm loving life and making new friends. I will never again have anyone in my life who doesn't add to my life----whether it's friends or husbands. That realization has helped me develop healthy friendships at this point. It has served me well.
I admit I'm gun-shy about romance. I've been badly burned and it's hard to be willing to go there again.
why do they have divorced, widowed and single on there? Why does it matter WHY I'm single? I just check "single" sometimes because I hate checking that "divorced" option.
There is a reason for this, Belle. A divorce is one of the most significant life changes, second only to (but not by much) the death of a spouse. Some might even make a good case for it being equal.
In any event, divorce does have a significant impact on one's health. To wit, the health difficulties you've already expressed.
At one time I believed that marriage should never end in divorce, but for adultry. Back then, I never thought about the marriage committment in terms of the vows. I only saw the vow to stay married, not the vows that are made to each other. I believe those vows are most important, to love, honor and cherish (traditional), more important than the vow to stay married.
amen Abbi! And Socks...I love yer antedotes! I see ya speak from a man thats been happily married between E and G and remebers how to turn on tha light! My girlfriend and I just broke up after a year of dating. So's I fer th taking ladies, I hope ya'll like going mule ridin! Only those that know me will undestand tha pun...but its fer real...I just bought two more mules...I need someone to drive tha oter team,,,and not spill tha guitar & pear juice.
THAT would surely be my idea of pure heaven little hawk.....some girl is sure going to be lucky when she finally finds you.
My spouse is strictly anti equine ...thats ok....the nice thing about raising kids is that usually I can talk one or two of them into indulging in my horse obsessions with me :)
My spouse has given up making me see reason and just stays home to baby sit the younger kids....and though I would prefer he were enjoying the world from horseback WITH me.... babysitting is an important job as well :)
If your love language is quality time, then I would think your husband (who has recommended the book to everyone he knows) would be willing to speak your love language (go riding with you)......Have you both talked about what each other's love language is?
I checked the book out of the library. I like to read books like that every so often. I'm half way through it, but I think one of my wife's love languages is quality time, with the dialect of listening. She'll say stuff to me that repeats the same situations over and over again, and it seems like what the book says is true; she doesn't want me to spit out a solution, she wants me to reaffirm that she's OK and everything's gonna be fine. I don't know what mine is yet.
"what the book says is true; she doesn't want me to spit out a solution, she wants me to reaffirm that she's OK and everything's gonna be fine. I don't know what mine is yet."
That's one of those somewhat typical male/female things. Men want to fix it and women want empathy.
Not likely wafer not...I dearly wish it were so....it wouldn`t have to be horses....it could be karate tourneys with the family....or picnics or fishing.....camping.... take the boat to the river.....a walk in the evening...ANYTHING ..... but it seems that it is still a matter of I am supposed to understand and accept his language.....ie he feeds us and puts a roof over our heads....if that ain`t love.....lol......but for now it is enough that he is managing to act civil.
It would be wonderfull for all involved if he decided that time spent with me or his kiddoes were enjoyable....but after all of these years...I am not holding my breath....I have learned that you cannot force someone to enjoy your presence or to percieve it as anything more than enduring fingernails on a chalk board....lol .....
You cannot impress upon someone who adamantly refuses to see..... the necessity and importance of their presence in their families lives....shrug
Yeah abi, it is one of those things..... sometimes that is all that is needed is a hug and assurance to address the angst.
Such a small thing....but so vitally important....
Yeah, but if the guy hasn't been "speaking your language" for months or years, then suddenly does something right ;) , you're probably not goint to trust it at first.
But it might be fair to tell him he's on the right track!
Yup Shaz, you don`t eliminate 20 years of behavior over night..... The books information is promising....The changes are refreshing......It will be interesting to see if the underlying problems are addressed or not.
Just speaking the same language does not necessarily mean one is willing to make the changes necessary... it certainly makes life easier....but I don`t want that to be an excuse to continue to ignore problematic behavior..........
It takes many years of effort to destroy respect and trust....it probably takes a while to rebuild it in any form.
You are right Socks. When my husband does stuff without any instigation (i.e., he will just get up from the table and start doing dishes), it always AMAZES me! I've never had a significant other do that. So I always tell him "You rock! You are the BEST husband in the whole wide world." I'm not throwing him bones when I tell him that either. I REALLY feel that way.
Johniam, you are a smart guy to figure out what you did about women wanting someone to be there and listen/agree with us.
What I find unique about the book is that the writer puts everything in the context of communication. The last book I read like that was "Intended For Pleasure" which, like many marriage books puts everything in the context of sex. But this book puts even sex in the overall context of communication.
I have an associates degree in communication. This has not done much for career advancement, but it did get me to notice things I was taught about communication in things I see and hear. If Dr. Chapman had started out saying, "Sex isn't the only thing going on in a marriage and I'm going to prove it. Watch this!", then people would have been argumentative from the get go, but he didn't do that, he put it in the flow of love languages/physical touch/ dialects....communication! That was smart, IMO.
OK, I've now read the whole book and I'm impressed with it. It isn't long and it makes very good points. It basically lists 5 "love languages" (words of affirmation, quality time, giving of gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) and theorizes that most people have one primary love language of the 5, so what communicates love for one person might not be true of another. Therefore, many marital difficulties can be minimized by each spouse (or even 1) knowing the primary love language of the other and feeding it.
Someone posted a few years ago (can't remember the thread) about doing something special for his wife on her birthday or something. Spent money, put a lot of thought and detail into it, and she just blew it off and went to sleep. The poster was devastated, but it makes sense to me that people are all different and rather than try to memorize and apply everything we've ever read or heard about ettiquette and love to every body.....it would be easier and more efficient to hone in on the things each person is most sensitive to.
I'm sure everyone responds to all 5 love languages to some degree, but it probably is true that one or two of the 5 will speak louder to each individual. And it isn't limited to a spouse either; what about kids, friends, co workers, etc. Sure, I could use a system like this (try to figure out what peoples' primary love language is) just to see what I could get from them, or I could also do it to see how I could better connect with them to bless them.
Right now I'm inspired by the book and mulling it over in my mind a lot.
That about sums up what my spouse said John. It seems to have turned on some kind of lightbulb for him.
Almost entirely gone is the constant nit picking done in the guise of helping me/the kiddoes *improve* .... He has only slipped once or twice into miser mode ...... *The car is moved..... was that an absolutely necessary trip to town...Do you know how much gas is???*
NAw honey, I am an absolute moron who is incapable of evaluating necessity...and make it a regular habit of indulging in entirely pointless trips with the express purpose of hitting you in your pocket book...
He knows that the kiddoes each sneak our personal favorite amongst the dogs in on cold nights after he goes to sleep and pretends not to notice all of the scurrying dog paws and childrens feet when he wakes up in the morning ....lol One morning I ended up counting 6 different dogs being hustled out the back door by their different accomplices as Daddy loudly and slowly shuffled his way through the house ...giving them plenty of time to accomplish their mission and pretend he didn`t notice.....
Wafer... my cynisism is beginning to lift....I am beginning to have hope in spite of myself.....lol ..
He knows that the kiddoes each sneak our personal favorite amongst the dogs in on cold nights after he goes to sleep and pretends not to notice all of the scurrying dog paws and childrens feet when he wakes up in the morning ....lol One morning I ended up counting 6 different dogs being hustled out the back door by their different accomplices as Daddy loudly and slowly shuffled his way through the house ...giving them plenty of time to accomplish their mission and pretend he didn`t notice.....
Wafer... my cynisism is beginning to lift....I am beginning to have hope in spite of myself.....lol ..
Rascal,
I'm picturing it all now! And I am laughing so hard thinking about those kids hustling the dogs out the door!! Your house sounds so festive!
I am glad that things are looking up!
This book ROCKS imho! My husband and I have no miscommunication when it comes to making each other feel loved. I really think the ideas in that book allowed us to start off on a good foot.
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Belle
So much wisdom on this board! I appreciate each and every one of you!!
When I got divorced I really missed human touch. Real live personal touch - so I started paying a certified massage therapist once a month. She sets up the aromatherapy, groovy new age music, lights the candles and leaves me fully relaxed, peaceful and feeling awesome. It's not sex, but it IS cheaper and safer than cruising bars. ;)
I've started working on my health, too. Eating healthier, getting rid of the depression weight I gained and spending more time walking the dog. I'm starting to look better and feel better.
It's been a year and a half and while I'm so much better off, I can't get over the stygma of being divorced sometimes. Like, when you fill out something for a Dr. office or something and they ask marital status...why do they have divorced, widowed and single on there? Why does it matter WHY I'm single? I just check "single" sometimes because I hate checking that "divorced" option.
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Nottawayfer
Oh Dear Belle,
I remember that too! I had the same exact thoughts about marking those damn forms at a doctor's office. My heart is with you.
Love,
WN
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Rejoice
“Having once been blind-sided by a divorce I should have seen coming and only able to speak concerning that and "that" woman, I am reminded of the words of wisdom my dear Mother spoke afterwards. " You didn't see it coming because she kept so many things hidden from you".”
Me too. And my husband blamed me for the divorce. It never occurred to him that my reactions were in response to his actions [or lack of].
I fought hard to work it out, by actions, non-actions, changing, etc. I never expected divorce to be an option.
I believe love is a choice. We choose to love others even when they are acting unlovable. It’s hard but is very doable. Today, people take the easier road, which is to leave.
What to do? Cry, get angry, and then start working for your own success. Stay busy. I started taking care of myself. Healthier diet, exercise, and mental growth. Took classes that interested me, put my energies into new job skills. Spent time with my kids.
Today, I'm loving life and making new friends. I will never again have anyone in my life who doesn't add to my life----whether it's friends or husbands. That realization has helped me develop healthy friendships at this point. It has served me well.
I admit I'm gun-shy about romance. I've been badly burned and it's hard to be willing to go there again.
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Sushi
There is a reason for this, Belle. A divorce is one of the most significant life changes, second only to (but not by much) the death of a spouse. Some might even make a good case for it being equal.
In any event, divorce does have a significant impact on one's health. To wit, the health difficulties you've already expressed.
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excathedra
a marriage checkbox could also indicate ill health
i'm just saying
i think it probably has to do with insurance or something
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excathedra
____ happily married
____ happily divorced
____ miserably married
____ none of your business
you get the idea....
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gc
This has been an interesting read.
At one time I believed that marriage should never end in divorce, but for adultry. Back then, I never thought about the marriage committment in terms of the vows. I only saw the vow to stay married, not the vows that are made to each other. I believe those vows are most important, to love, honor and cherish (traditional), more important than the vow to stay married.
gc
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dmiller
GC --welcome back!! Good to see you again. :)
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gc
Thanks dmiller! :) It feels good to be back.
gc
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Littlehawk
amen Abbi! And Socks...I love yer antedotes! I see ya speak from a man thats been happily married between E and G and remebers how to turn on tha light! My girlfriend and I just broke up after a year of dating. So's I fer th taking ladies, I hope ya'll like going mule ridin! Only those that know me will undestand tha pun...but its fer real...I just bought two more mules...I need someone to drive tha oter team,,,and not spill tha guitar & pear juice.
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rascal
THAT would surely be my idea of pure heaven little hawk.....some girl is sure going to be lucky when she finally finds you.
My spouse is strictly anti equine ...thats ok....the nice thing about raising kids is that usually I can talk one or two of them into indulging in my horse obsessions with me :)
My spouse has given up making me see reason and just stays home to baby sit the younger kids....and though I would prefer he were enjoying the world from horseback WITH me.... babysitting is an important job as well :)
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Nottawayfer
Rascal,
If your love language is quality time, then I would think your husband (who has recommended the book to everyone he knows) would be willing to speak your love language (go riding with you)......Have you both talked about what each other's love language is?
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johniam
I checked the book out of the library. I like to read books like that every so often. I'm half way through it, but I think one of my wife's love languages is quality time, with the dialect of listening. She'll say stuff to me that repeats the same situations over and over again, and it seems like what the book says is true; she doesn't want me to spit out a solution, she wants me to reaffirm that she's OK and everything's gonna be fine. I don't know what mine is yet.
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Abigail
"what the book says is true; she doesn't want me to spit out a solution, she wants me to reaffirm that she's OK and everything's gonna be fine. I don't know what mine is yet."
That's one of those somewhat typical male/female things. Men want to fix it and women want empathy.
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rascal
Not likely wafer not...I dearly wish it were so....it wouldn`t have to be horses....it could be karate tourneys with the family....or picnics or fishing.....camping.... take the boat to the river.....a walk in the evening...ANYTHING ..... but it seems that it is still a matter of I am supposed to understand and accept his language.....ie he feeds us and puts a roof over our heads....if that ain`t love.....lol......but for now it is enough that he is managing to act civil.
It would be wonderfull for all involved if he decided that time spent with me or his kiddoes were enjoyable....but after all of these years...I am not holding my breath....I have learned that you cannot force someone to enjoy your presence or to percieve it as anything more than enduring fingernails on a chalk board....lol .....
You cannot impress upon someone who adamantly refuses to see..... the necessity and importance of their presence in their families lives....shrug
Yeah abi, it is one of those things..... sometimes that is all that is needed is a hug and assurance to address the angst.
Such a small thing....but so vitally important....
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shazdancer
Yeah, but if the guy hasn't been "speaking your language" for months or years, then suddenly does something right ;) , you're probably not goint to trust it at first.
But it might be fair to tell him he's on the right track!
Regards,
Shaz
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rascal
Yup Shaz, you don`t eliminate 20 years of behavior over night..... The books information is promising....The changes are refreshing......It will be interesting to see if the underlying problems are addressed or not.
Just speaking the same language does not necessarily mean one is willing to make the changes necessary... it certainly makes life easier....but I don`t want that to be an excuse to continue to ignore problematic behavior..........
It takes many years of effort to destroy respect and trust....it probably takes a while to rebuild it in any form.
We shall see.....
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socks
Us men do respond to praise and small rewards for good behavior.
Some Kibblz 'n' Bitz, a new ball now and then.
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Nottawayfer
You are right Socks. When my husband does stuff without any instigation (i.e., he will just get up from the table and start doing dishes), it always AMAZES me! I've never had a significant other do that. So I always tell him "You rock! You are the BEST husband in the whole wide world." I'm not throwing him bones when I tell him that either. I REALLY feel that way.
Johniam, you are a smart guy to figure out what you did about women wanting someone to be there and listen/agree with us.
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johniam
Smart? Me? Now you're scaring me.
What I find unique about the book is that the writer puts everything in the context of communication. The last book I read like that was "Intended For Pleasure" which, like many marriage books puts everything in the context of sex. But this book puts even sex in the overall context of communication.
I have an associates degree in communication. This has not done much for career advancement, but it did get me to notice things I was taught about communication in things I see and hear. If Dr. Chapman had started out saying, "Sex isn't the only thing going on in a marriage and I'm going to prove it. Watch this!", then people would have been argumentative from the get go, but he didn't do that, he put it in the flow of love languages/physical touch/ dialects....communication! That was smart, IMO.
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johniam
OK, I've now read the whole book and I'm impressed with it. It isn't long and it makes very good points. It basically lists 5 "love languages" (words of affirmation, quality time, giving of gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) and theorizes that most people have one primary love language of the 5, so what communicates love for one person might not be true of another. Therefore, many marital difficulties can be minimized by each spouse (or even 1) knowing the primary love language of the other and feeding it.
Someone posted a few years ago (can't remember the thread) about doing something special for his wife on her birthday or something. Spent money, put a lot of thought and detail into it, and she just blew it off and went to sleep. The poster was devastated, but it makes sense to me that people are all different and rather than try to memorize and apply everything we've ever read or heard about ettiquette and love to every body.....it would be easier and more efficient to hone in on the things each person is most sensitive to.
I'm sure everyone responds to all 5 love languages to some degree, but it probably is true that one or two of the 5 will speak louder to each individual. And it isn't limited to a spouse either; what about kids, friends, co workers, etc. Sure, I could use a system like this (try to figure out what peoples' primary love language is) just to see what I could get from them, or I could also do it to see how I could better connect with them to bless them.
Right now I'm inspired by the book and mulling it over in my mind a lot.
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rascal
That about sums up what my spouse said John. It seems to have turned on some kind of lightbulb for him.
Almost entirely gone is the constant nit picking done in the guise of helping me/the kiddoes *improve* .... He has only slipped once or twice into miser mode ...... *The car is moved..... was that an absolutely necessary trip to town...Do you know how much gas is???*
NAw honey, I am an absolute moron who is incapable of evaluating necessity...and make it a regular habit of indulging in entirely pointless trips with the express purpose of hitting you in your pocket book...
He knows that the kiddoes each sneak our personal favorite amongst the dogs in on cold nights after he goes to sleep and pretends not to notice all of the scurrying dog paws and childrens feet when he wakes up in the morning ....lol One morning I ended up counting 6 different dogs being hustled out the back door by their different accomplices as Daddy loudly and slowly shuffled his way through the house ...giving them plenty of time to accomplish their mission and pretend he didn`t notice.....
Wafer... my cynisism is beginning to lift....I am beginning to have hope in spite of myself.....lol ..
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Nottawayfer
Rascal,
I'm picturing it all now! And I am laughing so hard thinking about those kids hustling the dogs out the door!!
Your house sounds so festive!
I am glad that things are looking up!
This book ROCKS imho! My husband and I have no miscommunication when it comes to making each other feel loved. I really think the ideas in that book allowed us to start off on a good foot.
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Belle
For a friend of mine.
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