I've had trouble with the overachiever/perfectionist part. Having kids helped a lot, because I could not do it all - no SuperWoman here. When I finally stressed and worked my self almost to death, I decided it was time to ignore the cobwebs and smell the roses. Reevaluating my priorites and learning to say "no" without guilt helped me overcome these tendencies.
I've been in your shoes. Then I did a 180. I decided I would not take any crap off ANYONE!! I spoke my mind, and that got me a reputation at work for being the "beyotch". Now I am trying to find the balance.
Mine came form my mother--TWI tried to make me more willing "to please" but by that stage between, parents, family, hubby one and hubby two -- I was in full rebellion. Not so rebellious now but don't take on more than I can chew either--- I like making people happy --but never again at the expense of my own health and sanity.
Example: I've worked for the boss from hell for five years now. Employees from other departments have overheard some of the stupid stupid b.s. this woman has said to me and offered to go to HR for us because it was so bad. But this boss knows I'll do anything to make her look good. Yesterday, she expected me to produce a report - over 100 pages - for one of our hospitals (it's all healthcare stats, physician performance, payer stats - you get the idea) - in just a couple of hours. Oh, and it's due by Friday morning. Considering I'm off on Wednesdays and go in late on Thursdays... I've got less than 12 hours to pull it off and make it look good. But she knows I'll make it happen or kill myself trying. (And I've been 2 years now without a raise - how's that for being a s-u-c-k-e-r ??)
I need to quit that job - but I honestly don't know how.
change is difficult for everyone. all change will cost you something. and even when it is your choice it is a stressful thing .
it takes a year to two years to accept change and in between that time are stages or progression that are indeed predictable. and many not a good place to be mentaly, the important thing is do not get stuck in one stage and stop moving on toward the goal.
a caeer conselor is good. they do cost you some money, but it is a investment in you.
many cities and town have a federal program in place that are a very good warehouse for those in transition or looking for a job. or to boost your skills.
basic skill are there how to build a resume how to change jobs how to interview well.
in this city the govt. has granted 9 million dollars for this resource. 3 years.
this is a small city.
go grap what they have they can provide funding for school, training etc.
chanage is what it is frame it in a different way look at life as an adventure to live in not a trap to suffer in.
no one can change your life, but you.
if your stuck then get unstuck. i do not mean to be flip but life has so many unpredictable changes that hit us like a train on a track why fret over this area when you are clearly the one in control of your life?
find the resources you need to educate yourself on how to do what you want to do every town and city has an unemployment center.. and you can use their reference even if your working of course, go to your nearby campus look at what their conselor reccomends, take a test on what area you would be best suited for and go from there.
Example: I've worked for the boss from hell for five years now. Employees from other departments have overheard some of the stupid stupid b.s. this woman has said to me and offered to go to HR for us because it was so bad. But this boss knows I'll do anything to make her look good. Yesterday, she expected me to produce a report - over 100 pages - for one of our hospitals (it's all healthcare stats, physician performance, payer stats - you get the idea) - in just a couple of hours. Oh, and it's due by Friday morning. Considering I'm off on Wednesdays and go in late on Thursdays... I've got less than 12 hours to pull it off and make it look good. But she knows I'll make it happen or kill myself trying. (And I've been 2 years now without a raise - how's that for being a s-u-c-k-e-r ??)
I need to quit that job - but I honestly don't know how.
There's a little book called "Who Moved My Cheese"! Read It. You'll be laughing at why you took the whole thing so seriously in the first place! Bump
I dunno.. I think if it is something that I really like, like math.. I'll work my rear off..
I don't know if I'm a people pleaser as such, I'm pretty happy in general with myself and life, even though I'm on the trek toward a different career. But it makes my day if I can make someone other than myself happy.
But excie, I already have you down to work registration for the 2010 corps reunion. I just assumed you would want to bless the household. I'll need you to help set up the tents, and then stay a week after to take everything down. I'll be working my old job where I collect the money. If you don't want to be assigned a job, you can send me a note and I will get with the reunion board to consider your request.
It is pretty amazing that we showed up for all that work, and let them pass out assignments for our lives ... I guess we really felt we were helping "move the Word". Some things are still worth volunteering for, but even the "good causes" have people trying to take advantage of others good will.
I have been examining some of my thinking processed lately, and I have come to the realization that I am a perfectionist and an overachiever... That I have a really hard time leaving something undone, or not perfect. I will do anything and everything to meet deadlines. I go over and above at any job I have had, working myself nearly to death.
Why? Because I was taught to work heartily as unto the Lord. Now I don't know when to stop.
I have also realized that I am a people pleaser to the nth degree. I have a major problem with standing up to my bosses, or anyone in an authority position... Why? I think it is a deep seated problem that has roots in my twi indoctrination from an early age - that I need to have the approval of the MOG, that I need to do what I am told without question.
I even realized that most (not all) of my decisions in life were based on what would be best for twi, what was suggested (or ordered) by leadership. That is terrifying. I am not saying that every decision I have made is because of this, but a LOT of them (career changes, moves, education, etc.) were based in twi.
Anybody else out there have/had this problem? How do you get out of it?
I still struggle with the same problem. I fight it constantly. I have to make myself just say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I was very much raised to be sweet, compliant, obedient, helpful etc., which I think was common with girls raised in the sixties and seventies. I was also shy and didn't like to get into trouble, so I was an easy kid, good behavior, good grades, brushed my teeth, was in by curfew.
Then I went away to college. Guess what--all those honed 'skills' were picked up by boyfriends or roomies, and I'd be doing what they thought I should do...and while in college I got into TWI. No wonder it seemed familiar.
What is funny is that it was my TWI hubby--one of the wows who got me into the Word--who pointed out to me that sometimes I just needed to say no and let someone else stay up late and bake the cookies.
I had honestly never thought it through until that time, but I realized that one of the things I really loved about my marriage was that I wasn't always jumping up to wait on hubby etc--I could relax. He could take care of himself!
Of course, TWI didn't think that was a good husbandly quality!
I'm still not sure how I got to thinking that "do all things heartily as unto the Lord" somehow got turned into "work until you you can't."
Oh well... Gotta go to work . I have something like 3 1/2 weeks paid time off but for some reason I can't bring myself to call in for a "mental health day."
Finding another job isn't a problem - I have a business, work out of the home, and do quite well with it. I've almost totally replaced my income from the hospital.
The problem is more of the "people pleasing" sorta thing - part of my hates hates hates going in to that job but part of me doesn't want to let Boss down, so I go back and put up with the crap. Once in a while, true to my smart-a$$ed nature, I get some snide remarks in when she's being especially nasty about something - it's sorta like having to work with a toddler with RN and BS degrees. Very intelligent and very good at what she does but the worst people skills you can imagine. (She's been in her position over 20 years - I've lasted the longest of any assistant she's ever hired - most last two years, at best. One lasted three weeks!)
Sure, talking about quitting is EASY... it's actually getting the chutpaz to do it that's tough...
Sometimes I wonder if we were twins separated at birth, Chas...
I have a similar problem... I don't want to let the company down. And even when I know what they are asking of me is insane (and I tell them that's what I think) I still will do anything possible (including working over 80 hours in less than 5 days) to accomplish the task. I won't even go to bed sometimes to try to get the work accomplished. It's a good thing I don't have any children to worry about yet. My husband gets neglected enough.
I just don't know how to say no sometimes. I don't know how to stop and say - "Hey, I am salaried, but that does not mean that you own me!"
And I still don't really understand why I am like this. Why I don't want to let anyone down. Why I will do what no one else at the job will.
Maybe too many years of doing "whatever it took" to "stand for God" (literal translation: twi)... Being at every event to do set up, tear down, refreshments, ushering, parking, chair stringing, babysitting. Always there - no matter if I was sick, exhausted, or just plain didn't want to...
The first time I didn't go to a meeting was right before I got married. My husband and I needed to go out to register for wedding gifts and had no time with all of our work and ministry responsibilities. We decided to (gasp!) skip a Sunday Service and go register. I seriously felt that something terrible was going to happen because we were not at the Service and I was being idolatrous... It still freaked me out to NOT attend a meeting.
This problem I have with people pleasing when it comes to work is tied up in this attitude of "doing the right thing" by "putting God first" and working heartily as unto Him. I am totally willing to work until death in order to please God...
But is that right? Probably not. I don't think that God would work me to death, but where do you draw the line?
And that's probably why we were so prime for TWI...
Add in the teachings about leaving and you're outside the walls of Zion, outside of the Household and outside of God's will!
We thought we were pleasing God but stepping back on it now and looking at things, it was pleasing people - ungodly people, most of the time.
Pleasing people isn't a crime or even a bad thing. As a mom, there's nothing more satisfying that pleasing my kids - like getting them that "OH YES!" birthday present or taking them to Chuck E. Cheese's just to watch them have a blast. But they also hear me say "NO!" a lot, too. What I'm trying to say is that maybe looking at WHY we are people pleasers - in the negative sense - and how that can change....
We thought we were pleasing God but stepping back on it now and looking at things, it was pleasing people - ungodly people, most of the time.
Pleasing people isn't a crime or even a bad thing. As a mom, there's nothing more satisfying that pleasing my kids - like getting them that "OH YES!" birthday present or taking them to Chuck E. Cheese's just to watch them have a blast. But they also hear me say "NO!" a lot, too. What I'm trying to say is that maybe looking at WHY we are people pleasers - in the negative sense - and how that can change....
yes. Seeing someone I love get what they want from me makes me happier than anything. Balance is what is needed. I don't need to become a be-yotch, but I don't need to bend over backwards for everyone, either.
Catcup's thread about psychology is interesting in this light, too.
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Suda
I've had trouble with the overachiever/perfectionist part. Having kids helped a lot, because I could not do it all - no SuperWoman here. When I finally stressed and worked my self almost to death, I decided it was time to ignore the cobwebs and smell the roses. Reevaluating my priorites and learning to say "no" without guilt helped me overcome these tendencies.
Good luck in your endeavor!
Suda
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Nottawayfer
JJ,
I've been in your shoes. Then I did a 180. I decided I would not take any crap off ANYONE!! I spoke my mind, and that got me a reputation at work for being the "beyotch". Now I am trying to find the balance.
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templelady
Mine came form my mother--TWI tried to make me more willing "to please" but by that stage between, parents, family, hubby one and hubby two -- I was in full rebellion. Not so rebellious now but don't take on more than I can chew either--- I like making people happy --but never again at the expense of my own health and sanity.
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ChasUFarley
I still have this problem.
Example: I've worked for the boss from hell for five years now. Employees from other departments have overheard some of the stupid stupid b.s. this woman has said to me and offered to go to HR for us because it was so bad. But this boss knows I'll do anything to make her look good. Yesterday, she expected me to produce a report - over 100 pages - for one of our hospitals (it's all healthcare stats, physician performance, payer stats - you get the idea) - in just a couple of hours. Oh, and it's due by Friday morning. Considering I'm off on Wednesdays and go in late on Thursdays... I've got less than 12 hours to pull it off and make it look good. But she knows I'll make it happen or kill myself trying. (And I've been 2 years now without a raise - how's that for being a s-u-c-k-e-r ??)
I need to quit that job - but I honestly don't know how.
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pond
change is all in how you "frame" it.
if you want to change your job it is a change .
change is difficult for everyone. all change will cost you something. and even when it is your choice it is a stressful thing .
it takes a year to two years to accept change and in between that time are stages or progression that are indeed predictable. and many not a good place to be mentaly, the important thing is do not get stuck in one stage and stop moving on toward the goal.
a caeer conselor is good. they do cost you some money, but it is a investment in you.
many cities and town have a federal program in place that are a very good warehouse for those in transition or looking for a job. or to boost your skills.
basic skill are there how to build a resume how to change jobs how to interview well.
in this city the govt. has granted 9 million dollars for this resource. 3 years.
this is a small city.
go grap what they have they can provide funding for school, training etc.
chanage is what it is frame it in a different way look at life as an adventure to live in not a trap to suffer in.
no one can change your life, but you.
if your stuck then get unstuck. i do not mean to be flip but life has so many unpredictable changes that hit us like a train on a track why fret over this area when you are clearly the one in control of your life?
find the resources you need to educate yourself on how to do what you want to do every town and city has an unemployment center.. and you can use their reference even if your working of course, go to your nearby campus look at what their conselor reccomends, take a test on what area you would be best suited for and go from there.
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Bumpy
There's a little book called "Who Moved My Cheese"! Read It. You'll be laughing at why you took the whole thing so seriously in the first place! Bump
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Ham
I dunno.. I think if it is something that I really like, like math.. I'll work my rear off..
I don't know if I'm a people pleaser as such, I'm pretty happy in general with myself and life, even though I'm on the trek toward a different career. But it makes my day if I can make someone other than myself happy.
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excathedra
i've been really happy when asked to be a volunteer for something and i say "no"
then the person asking looks at me, like, uh, why ?
and i don't say anything
:)
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excathedra
did i mention i don't give an explanation
oh yeah i just saw that i did sowwy
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Nottawayfer
Excie,
WHY don't you give an explanation??? HUH??
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excathedra
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha good one !!!!!!!!
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rhino
But excie, I already have you down to work registration for the 2010 corps reunion. I just assumed you would want to bless the household. I'll need you to help set up the tents, and then stay a week after to take everything down. I'll be working my old job where I collect the money. If you don't want to be assigned a job, you can send me a note and I will get with the reunion board to consider your request.
It is pretty amazing that we showed up for all that work, and let them pass out assignments for our lives ... I guess we really felt we were helping "move the Word". Some things are still worth volunteering for, but even the "good causes" have people trying to take advantage of others good will.
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gladtobeout
I still struggle with the same problem. I fight it constantly. I have to make myself just say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Bramble
I was very much raised to be sweet, compliant, obedient, helpful etc., which I think was common with girls raised in the sixties and seventies. I was also shy and didn't like to get into trouble, so I was an easy kid, good behavior, good grades, brushed my teeth, was in by curfew.
Then I went away to college. Guess what--all those honed 'skills' were picked up by boyfriends or roomies, and I'd be doing what they thought I should do...and while in college I got into TWI. No wonder it seemed familiar.
What is funny is that it was my TWI hubby--one of the wows who got me into the Word--who pointed out to me that sometimes I just needed to say no and let someone else stay up late and bake the cookies.
I had honestly never thought it through until that time, but I realized that one of the things I really loved about my marriage was that I wasn't always jumping up to wait on hubby etc--I could relax. He could take care of himself!
Of course, TWI didn't think that was a good husbandly quality!
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JavaJane
I hear ya, sister!
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polar bear
No kidding, perfedtion is of the Lord-barf and all that rot.
It's gonna take some time to get out of the rat race we were in.
I'm still trying to change many things in my life.
As to quitting a job. If you can''t afford to just quit, why not just go out and find another one on your days off.
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JavaJane
Thank you all for your replies! Keep them coming!
I'm still not sure how I got to thinking that "do all things heartily as unto the Lord" somehow got turned into "work until you you can't."
Oh well... Gotta go to work
. I have something like 3 1/2 weeks paid time off but for some reason I can't bring myself to call in for a "mental health day."
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ChasUFarley
Finding another job isn't a problem - I have a business, work out of the home, and do quite well with it. I've almost totally replaced my income from the hospital.
The problem is more of the "people pleasing" sorta thing - part of my hates hates hates going in to that job but part of me doesn't want to let Boss down, so I go back and put up with the crap. Once in a while, true to my smart-a$$ed nature, I get some snide remarks in when she's being especially nasty about something - it's sorta like having to work with a toddler with RN and BS degrees. Very intelligent and very good at what she does but the worst people skills you can imagine. (She's been in her position over 20 years - I've lasted the longest of any assistant she's ever hired - most last two years, at best. One lasted three weeks!)
Sure, talking about quitting is EASY... it's actually getting the chutpaz to do it that's tough...
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JavaJane
Sometimes I wonder if we were twins separated at birth, Chas...
I have a similar problem... I don't want to let the company down. And even when I know what they are asking of me is insane (and I tell them that's what I think) I still will do anything possible (including working over 80 hours in less than 5 days) to accomplish the task. I won't even go to bed sometimes to try to get the work accomplished. It's a good thing I don't have any children to worry about yet. My husband gets neglected enough.
I just don't know how to say no sometimes. I don't know how to stop and say - "Hey, I am salaried, but that does not mean that you own me!"
And I still don't really understand why I am like this. Why I don't want to let anyone down. Why I will do what no one else at the job will.
Maybe too many years of doing "whatever it took" to "stand for God" (literal translation: twi)... Being at every event to do set up, tear down, refreshments, ushering, parking, chair stringing, babysitting. Always there - no matter if I was sick, exhausted, or just plain didn't want to...
The first time I didn't go to a meeting was right before I got married. My husband and I needed to go out to register for wedding gifts and had no time with all of our work and ministry responsibilities. We decided to (gasp!) skip a Sunday Service and go register. I seriously felt that something terrible was going to happen because we were not at the Service and I was being idolatrous... It still freaked me out to NOT attend a meeting.
This problem I have with people pleasing when it comes to work is tied up in this attitude of "doing the right thing" by "putting God first" and working heartily as unto Him. I am totally willing to work until death in order to please God...
But is that right? Probably not. I don't think that God would work me to death, but where do you draw the line?
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ChasUFarley
And that's probably why we were so prime for TWI...
Add in the teachings about leaving and you're outside the walls of Zion, outside of the Household and outside of God's will!
We thought we were pleasing God but stepping back on it now and looking at things, it was pleasing people - ungodly people, most of the time.
Pleasing people isn't a crime or even a bad thing. As a mom, there's nothing more satisfying that pleasing my kids - like getting them that "OH YES!" birthday present or taking them to Chuck E. Cheese's just to watch them have a blast. But they also hear me say "NO!" a lot, too. What I'm trying to say is that maybe looking at WHY we are people pleasers - in the negative sense - and how that can change....
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JavaJane
yes. Seeing someone I love get what they want from me makes me happier than anything. Balance is what is needed. I don't need to become a be-yotch, but I don't need to bend over backwards for everyone, either.
Catcup's thread about psychology is interesting in this light, too.
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excathedra
i'll have to go look at catcup's thread
is self-esteem mentioned ?
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JavaJane
I bet that it is... I think you would like it especially, ex!
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excathedra
thanks java
today my friend co-worker (never been wayfer) told me she could not imagine me sitting there being told what to do in a cult !!!!!!
i told her i dream of going back in the same situations and telling them what i think !
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