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Jokes for the Ladies


Suda
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Jokes for theLadies This is to bright, funny women to make their day! And for bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. . . Whoosh. . .immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position...

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always rough draft before the masterpiece.

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T-Bone,

You and all the male GSers are welcome here. Especially if they are . . .

bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

I sure get a good chuckle out of jokes showing the foibles of us women.

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I am renaming my mail folders as we speak!!!!!!!! That would be the day....One of my husbands one liners to the family is....WATCH AND LEARN! If he would just take another moment before saying that and just think it through, he would not have to look at our perplexed faces. We have learned that he makes mistakes. Better him than us. HAHAHAH :biglaugh: That has always brought laughter to us all. We love him just the way he is. :love3::love3::love3:

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  • 1 month later...

Great Signs From Restrooms

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men

Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,

and time is a waste of life,

then let's all get wasted together

and have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not,

"How high are you?"

it's

"Hi, how are you?"

Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shi+.

Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war...

Hell, do both

GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Revolution Books, New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con,

then what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Men's Restroom, The House of Representatives, Washington DC

Express Lane:

Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals

Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

You're going to have trouble with it.

Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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EXERCISE

-----Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just post it to them!

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As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,

unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and

all the less important ones just never go away.

And the real pains in the foot are permanent.

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  • 2 months later...

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

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