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Walking on Water with Chris


Juan Cruz
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quote:
*(Except one thing -- the East River runs between Manhattan and Queens/Brooklyn.

New York Harbor, and the Hudson River is between NY and Jersey.

But don't let that slow us down)

By NO means, heh heh. Hey, at least I got us in the right REGION..

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doc: So, (ahem) how long have you been able to part the waters?

CG: Are you doubting me?

doc: well, it IS a rather extraordinary claim.

CG: I'll be glad to let you in on the secret. But you hafta BELIEVE for it to work. For two hundred bucks, I'd be even willing to show you HOW.

doc: Well then, if it works, lets see you "believe" to get out of this straight jacket..

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Well, I admit I tried walking on water once, in college, at Ohio State on Mirror Lake, over twenty-five years ago. I shouldn't have been drinking before trying it, though. There is nothing worse than waking up to a 400 pound fat woman giving you CPR and wondering if she used her tongue.

I don't remember too much, except I believe I might have been able to run across the water like Remo Williams. Either that or upon waking up to the the female Jabba the Hut, might have leaped over the lake to the other side.

I don't know.

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The following is a work of fiction and satire...

Auglaize County Sheriff's Department, sometime in the distant past....

Officer: "Well, Mr. Geer, it appears that your paperwork is in order for a concealed weapons permit. I still have to ask you a few questions and then we can finish the paperwork so you can be on your way".

CG: "I'll be happy to cooperate"

Officer: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

CG: "Committed or convicted. There's a difference, you know."

Officer: "Well, the form says convicted"

CG: "And are we talking about Ohio or Massachusetts?"

Officer: "Either one"

CG: "Because there was this incident, I wouldn't call it a felony..."

CG: "More like a dispute..."

Officer: "Was it a felony?"

CG: "Over a dead cat..."

Officer: "Well, that doesn't sound like a felony issue"

CG: "No, I don't think so.."

Officer: "So the answer is no?"

CG: "No"

Officer: "No, you didn't commit a felony?"

CG: "No, no, I've never been convicted of a felony"

Officer: "Ohhh-kay, I think we can move on"

CG: "You know officer, that's a very impressive belt you're wearing."

Officer: "It's part of the uniform"

CG: "Did you ever spank anyone with that belt?"

Officer:

CG: "Nevermind, it just brought back some memories..."

Officer:"Mr. Geer, why do you need a concealed weapon permit?"

CG: "For security and pest control"

Officer: "Pest control?"

CG: "Yes, pest control."

Officer: "What kind of pests?"

CG: "Well, cats."

Officer: "Cats?"

CG: "Yes, cats"

CG: "I don't like cats"

Officer: "So you want a carry permit so you can kill cats?"

CG: "No, not to kill cats, just pest cats"

Officer: "So you have a pest cat problem?"

CG: "No, I just want to make sure that it doesn't develop into a problem"

Officer: "What is the type of handgun you will be carrying?"

CG: "A 44 caliber Automag"

Officer: "That's more of a collector's piece than a carry weapon"

CG: "But you should see what it does to a cat's hea.."

Officer: "I've always wanted to see an Automag..."

CG: "I can show you mine" CG puts his hand under his coat and pulls out a gun.

officer karate-chops CG's wrist and the gun falls to the desk. Officer picks up the gun and cycles the action. Several fat shiny cartridges clatter onto the floor. Second officer pulls CG's arms behind his back and handcuffs him."

Officer: "Mister Geer, you have the right to remain silent..."

A tear forms in CG's eye and rolls down his cheek. Not from the pain of the broken wrist, or from the seething rage toward the officer. No, a tear of embarresment, for realization of having to tell Dr. V.P. Wierwille about his incident at the sheriff's office...

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  • 2 years later...

how to smother a light-hearted thread, huh?

well, it's Blood Simple to revive....

CG: (at the wheel) (sinning soto voce)

"The word of God was in my heart,

like a burning fire shut up in my bones.....

I grew weary,

with obeying,

I could not stay, O Lord, I could not stay."

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hmmm, maybe not so simple after all...

this one is gasping

maybe CG jokes, however inside they are

are not funny anymore in light of the history of pain and suffering...

Paw, if this entire thread is unwelcome

I understand and would ask you to rerelegate it to the archives.

meanwhile...

CG: wanna go running, Gradguy?

GG: sure!

CG: I notice you didn't ask how far.

GG: thaaat's riiiiiiight.

(they start out at an easy pace.... GG slows down for CG when he stumbles through a puddle)

CG: this is not a race, OK?.. let's start and end together

GG: sounds good to me, you soggy SOGWAP

(after a brisk 3 mile run, CG is breathing hard... GG, who is the best runner on his high school cross country team, isn't.

With 150 yards or so to the agreed upon endpoint, CG breaks into a sprint, leaving GG behind.)

CG: (stomping his wet running shoes -trying to look less than winded)

It's all in the believing, GG

GG: hmmmmm

CG: you've got to be sold out to the Word

GG: guess so

CG: I was believing to win.

GG: you don't say....

( 6.5 years later GG leaves TWI, a wiser and somewhat paunchier man)

Well, we're still not as lighthearted as we once were... you remember back in the funeral home, ICU and Sheriff's office?

but we'll get there.. it takes lot of believing to be irreverent, lighthearted.. frivolous etc. .. we gotta get our believing up?

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Walking on water is easy.

a real coincidence here... it was CG who introduced Senora Cruz's little boy to the interesting properties of corn starch....!

Do you think Jesus... nah... never mind.

Juan's daughter, when she was about 7 years old, asked, "Daddy, you don't really believe that a man walked across water do you?"

And I loved my girl for that.

She now, at 14, understands the true role of the literal gospel story. I love my girl for that - she's cult proof.

She goes, unbidden, to our church almost every week and joined it this year. She works in a youth-started-and-run soup kitchen. She attends a weekly Bible study 3x a month, with all adults, at 7am on Saturday! She teaches "Christianity and Vegetarianism." I love my girl.

She's the best runner on her cross country team. I'd love her even if she wasn't. To me... she walks on water.

The peach of Christ,

Juan

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  • 3 years later...

Everyone who thinks it's important to walk on water shouldn't baby step into doing it. That's whupped. Who wants to walk on a puddle?

Get a boat, go out on any large lake, or the ocean, get a mile or so from shore and - well, just get out of the boat and do it. No life vest, no life saver, no rope if you sink, don't make plans or allowances for getting back in the boat "if" you don't walk on water - see, that's unbelief, fear. Doing those things indicates you aren't trusting God and might as well be working for the Devil.

Just do it. Then report back after you do and let everyone else know how it worked out! :wave:

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I gather that CG, literally, sat at the wheel of the motorcoach while Victor abused our sisters.

Anything to say, CG?

he can't respond at the moment, but i can tell you 'tis sad but true

jesus christ and CG -- i don't like the comparison at all

if my dear lord walked on water, great. if he didn't i don't care. he's the only one who kept/keeps me from drowning

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Funny thread, thanks for bumping it, Ham.

I'd like to see CG walking on Loch Lomond (near Gartmore).

Hey, suppose he walked on Loch Ness (famed for its monster).

CG: Nice day for a stroll.

LNM: Get off my back!

CG: Who said that?

LNM: My name is Nessie and I have lived in this loch for thousands of years.

CG: No, you and all your kind were wiped out with the first heaven and earth.

LMN: What kind of creature are you anyway? Are you edible?

CG: I am a human being and my kind have been around for 4000 years.

LNM: I give you 4 seconds to get out of my space.

CG: I will cast you out - you are just an evil spirit.

LNM: (slurps)

LNM: (thinks) Maybe that wasn't such a good idea...got indigestion now...

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You got it, Waysider.

It is three days later.

Nessie still has indigestion.

LNM: This indigestion is getting worse.

CG: Wouldn't you like more harmony...

LNM: More harm...?!

CG: Help you separate truth from error!

LNM: I would like to separate you from me.

CG: You can learn to believe for healing!

LNM: Eeling? Eels??!!

CG: If you would just sign this green card, I can guarantee that it will bring ...

LNM: Will you STOP banging that drum!

CG: It's word over the water.

LNM: (Has had enough) (vomits CG into a used lipstick-stained coffee cup)

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It's Natures Way..

the difference between twelve dreams, and fresh garbage..

Scary, but not to me..

You have the world at your fingertips..

can't make it better than you..

See what we've done to the what.and the sun..

You have the world, at your fingertips..'

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