Oh What a Tangled Web of Lies We Weave

[FreeAtLast]

Naivete, that's something of which I am often accused. Proof in point; This day when I find out someone I have been friends with for nearly two years has been lying to me throughout the entire time. Now I don't plan on going into the details of the lies since that would only cause hurt to his wife of two years. A woman I had no clue, until today, even existed.

It was the end of October beginning of November 2005 when I met this man. I had just been tragically dumped by a man that I can say I truly loved. It had to be love since even after finding out that he had been addicted to perscription medications I was willing to stand by his side and help him through it. He asked me to move in so that we could help each other, he said that even if a romance didn't work out that we could still help each other by living together. It sounded like the perfect arrangement as he explained what it would be like, but because of the addiction I felt that it would be best for him not to have to deal with three active children. I even spoke to his best friend to get her take and she felt it was best not to move in but her perspective was more because of the influence this man would have on my children. So I began backing down from that arrangement.

Then for reasons not fully understood by me, he dumped me. I can say that I don't ever recall having such feelings for a man as I did that guy. So imagine the pain I felt when he decided I was unworthy of his love. I was pretty close to being suicidal at that point considering my financial woes, losing a man I truly loved, and now finding myself with all these emotions to sort through. (consequently I have not found a man I can love more since losing him.)

But a hero arrived on the scene, He made me feel beautiful and loved and worthwhile. We went on a date but the feelings I had for him didn't match the feelings he had for me. Or should I say the feelings he made me believe he had for me. I loved him for his 'wisdom' and care and concern for others, but I was not "in love" with him. To me this man was becoming one of my best friends. He was someone I could call when I was upset and he would talk me down and if he ever needed me I would have been there for him as well.

Nearly two years our friendship continued. We went through a time when an anonymous person on the internet was slandering me. They would write him and tell him lies about me. One of which was that I was getting married, and few other choice lies more vicious and slanderous. He played Santa for my daughter Bethany one christmas which was very sweet of him. Needless to say when I started to receive word that he was someone other than what he presented to me it was hard for me to swallow. I initially wrote it off as a bunch of bull or a woman scorned but as more and more information came to me it started to fit with little holes I had seen during our two years of friendship.

Today I find out that he's been married all this time, I even spoke with his wife. Here he has been giving his friendship to me when he should have been giving those goodies to his wife. I find that he has lied to others about me. This woman knew all about our date the time frame of it and many other true details along with the lies. Lies that I only called this man for money and never gave him "anything" in return if you know what I mean. I never asked him for one thin dime and all but one time refused his offers. The one time I did accept his offer it was only as a loan, and only because I was in a position where I would lose all my furniture and big ticket items if I didn't get the use of a moving van. The only money he ever gave me was a loan for 400 for that moving van. Everything else I out right refused but he tells this woman that I only called him when I wanted money.

So today I am numb, confused and a bit dumbfounded to find that the man I considered my best guy friend is really no friend at all. I promised his wife I would never communicate with him again even though we were just friends and I will hold to my promise.

I cried this afternoon, but not for myself. Yes I will miss the man I thought he was but he wasn't that man at all. No I cried for his wife. I felt the pain she must have been feeling at that moment as we talked and as she realized her husband was out playing on her. I still feel pain for that woman. It's hard not to take some of her pain on my shoulder's as I am one that was involved in the hurt and the lies her husband had dealt to her.

A friend of mine asked me why I called her. Well the number I got I thought was for the woman giving me the info and I thought it would be easier to talk that type back and forth but when I got the voice mail of this woman bearing the same last name of my friend I asked her to call me back. I wanted to be sure that he was truly married and that this woman wasn't just a cousin or sister. She called me back and I found out that he is married. It's moments like these that makes this optimistic girl start to give up hope on the human race.

[GeorgeStGeorge]

Dear Free,

The guy's a scumbag, what can I say? Don't feel hurt over losing this loser, feel MAD! Then get over it and find a guy who will be worthy of a sweet, gorgeous, Christian woman like you. I have a lot of female friends, but they all know I'm married to a wonderful woman -- because I tell them! I pray that your heart will be healed soon.

George

P.S. I don't know if Kansas has a website like THIS , but it might help you "check out" any other guy who might come your way.

Edited February 24, 2007 by GeorgeStGeorge

[FreeAtLast]

Thanks for you kind words.

I am not really hurt for myself but for the other women he did hurt and especially his wife. I never was attracted to him that way. We were just friends. I guess I just feel for everyone else more than I should. But truth is I don't have any pity for him and I would like to see him pay for what he has done to these beautiful women. He truly is a loser and these women were really hurt by him.

[Lori]

Hi Free!

It is so hard when we find out people we know have been lying to us. I'm just glad you weren't involved to a greater degree.

You're definitely worthy of much better!

Lori

[QuietThinker]

Discovering a friend isn't really a friend can be as devastating, too. I think it's Horrid, FAL...and your compassion for his wife is admirable.

Hope he gets his, frankly.

~QT

[Sudo]

Free,

Not much I can offer you other than my heartfelt sympathy. But I have always wondered why it is that women are so attracted to and fall in love with the 'wild side' kind of men. I guess the bald pot bellied accountant types aren't as exciting. Same thing with men. They don't go for the dowdy menopausal women who would make good wives either do they? Naw.. they want their wives to look like Britney Spears (or however you spell her name) and cook like Rachael Ray. Actually, she doesn't look half bad herself, huh?

Boils down to this, Free... You've been deceived and lied to. But you're young and will love again. Learn your lessons and don't make the same mistakes again. I see your pic and you're good looking. You'll have no problems finding men interested in you.

sudo

[FreeAtLast]

Sudo,

I am not young. I am on my way to the big 50, will be 44 in a couple of months. But that doesn't really bother me. I wasn't in love with this creep, I just considered him a good friend but the whole event did remind me of why we became friends. One of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. Now I remember the man he helped me get over and that pain does resurface. But once this is all history it too will subside.

I am not concerned with finding love per se. I realized a mom of 3 little ones has little hope of that. I am comfortable being in my skin and being with me. Maybe a bit too comfortable. lol. But I am social and friendship is important. But friendship that is built on honesty and openness. Not this farce I have been a part of for nearly two years. And yes I feel for those he has truly hurt.

I am still in shock at the fact that I believed the bs this man put down. I am in shock that I have been his friend for 2 years and never even suspected he was married. I always thought this guy literally walked on water to accomplish all he did and from that I felt inferior because I couldn't handle all he had on his plate and keep my house clean and do all the activities with my children that he does with his. But he did have help.

I go to school full time, work full time and raise three kids. My house is alway below my standard of clean, my laundry is never caught up, and I feel like life gets away from me. Here was this man raising 5 kids on his own and managing everything else. Running his own business, running for public office, managing one on one time with each of his 5 kids, coaching their sports teams, being involved in many of the local groups and organizations, public service all the way. And he did it without a wife. I would look at that and think I wasn't living up to the standard that I should be living up to.

Now I can be easier on myself and stop criticizing the fact that I can't keep up with my load and he can because he has someone full time supporting he and his children. He has the help that I don't have. In a way that was liberating.

[waysider]

The world is filled with people who will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. They do so to satisfy their own desires, whether they be financial, sexual or a feeling of control.

You deserve better. Don't let this experience blind you to real friendship when it comes along.

Be thankful the truth of the matter came to light.

[Rocky]

what you say!? 44 IS young... don't grow old in your mind too early, eh!

Sorry to hear about the heart achey situation. Any time someone has lied to you in such a way, it's a real kicker when you find out.

Hopefully, you have a good (non-cyber) support system... but even if not, you have good friends here.

And with a good support system, you'll get through this soon. :)

Wish I had better insight... but can just really let you know I understand.

...running for public office,...

Yikes! Not someone worth ANYONE'S vote!!!

Your ability to be honest with yourself and your friends is very valuable indeed. Obviously, that bozo had some serious self-esteem issues that he managed by overinflating himself in the eyes of others.

Pretty soon, you'll be VERY thankful you found out before wasting ANY more time with him.

[Sudo]

Free,

Re:"I am not young. I am on my way to the big 50, will be 44 in a couple of months."

Well aren't you the old hag? You were in the 1st grade when I graduated high school lassie and belive it or not.. you're a youngster. You want drama? Ever seen Moulan Rouge where a man falls in love with a prostitute? Here's the dramatic video that shows that a man can be as devestated as a woman. I am a romantic myself. I hope you like tangos. So sensuous. Give a it a minute. ...

sudo

[Dot Matrix]

Free

That was a very painful story for you and his wife. What a big butt he is.

I am very sorry. I have felt pain like that before so I know how shocked you must be. Makes you wonder about everything.

((((FREE)))))

[excathedra]

dear free, something very similar happened to me my freshman year in college

i was shocked, devasted beyond words

i actually became "friends" (but not really) with the jerk's wife (she knew i didn't know is what i mean)

you might be 44, but think of your life's experiences

take heart, you will be okay

[FreeAtLast]

amazing performances Sudo. I haven't seen that movie but it seems a bit dark. However, I did thoroughly enjoy watching it. Thanks for sharing.

Dot and Ex thanks for the encouragement.

Edited February 24, 2007 by FreeAtLast

[GarthP2000]

Running his own business, running for public office, managing one on one time with each of his 5 kids, ...

Oh, he'll win the election all right. With the background that FreeAtLast gave us, he'll win.

They always do. <_<

[FreeAtLast]

Garth he broke the mold and lost. Thank God. Could you have imagined what he would have done in an official position. Imagine the women he would have hurt. OMG. I am glad he lost.

[fellowshipper]

We christians can often be naive. Did you ever check out his address? Did you ever notice a ring finger that wasn't tanned. Why we fall for the deceit is beyond me. Goood you kept your chastity. And you are brave to talk to the wife. Maybe she should leave him as maybe he is playing others. Sorry for your bubble being popped after two years. You will find someone just give yourself time even though you want it now. I have been down this road too. Do me wrong once shame on you, wrong me twice shame on me, shame me thrice three strikes you are out.

[FreeAtLast]

Fellowshipper. I never really was interested in him romantically so I just tended to believe him based on trust that was built between us and never had reason to see if there were ring marks. And yes there were other women that he actually was with during our friendship that were not his wife. And as one of his scorned women check into his history, something I am not inclined to do but then again I am not one of his women scorned just a friend that was lied to, but as she checks him out she feels the need to send me information about his sordid past. That is one thing I do wish would stop as I have heard enough. For her it's a need to construct the truth in attempt to vindicate herself. I feel real sorry for these women and have done what I can to let them know they are worthwhile. But I may have to stop doing that because the barrage of information about this guy is wearing me out.

And no I am not really all that anxious about finding a guy per se as I am way too busy. I have a full time schedule in School and at Work, and I raise 3 kids on my own. My time is limited and my social life challenged. Last night I could have been out on a date and I chose to spend the time at home. My kids were spending their one night a week with their dad. That's my night to let loose. What did I chose to do? Stay home. I was so tired I just wanted to lay around going out with the guy that asked me out would have taken too much energy. lol. Is that a sign of old age or what. lol

[polar bear]

Dear Free-sorry to hear about what happened to you. You don't deserve this crap. Time will heal and you will find a good man one day. Until then-you are loved here by many good friends that you can count on anytime.

[Ron G.]

All too often, we're sold a bill of goods by someone who turns out to be quite different than the image they originally projected.

It's happened to me and I'm sure many, many others, although we don't always like to admit we've been scammed like that. I really admire your candor in posting this. You're a brave lady.

That's why I'm of the opinion that one should know someone at least a year before getting too involved in such an emotional investment.

When the mask falls off, and it will, as it did for you, it'll hurt, but at least you're not burdened with this person in an authority position over you or your kids or other areas of your life that would prove untenable to you and yours...and you have to go to extreme lengths to rid them from your lives. (Am I the master of the run on sentence or what?)

No one should have to wake up some morning, rub their eyes, and discover they became enamored with a fictitious character that didn't ever really exist...and they're lying next to you.

As for being old, I have 15 years on you and I'm still a spring chicken...you're just a kid.

How very telling that this guy was/is in politics. It seems par for the course.

Thanks for your honest and eye opening post.

Edited February 24, 2007 by Ron G.

[Belle]

((((Free)))))

Married men who cheat are VERY GOOD at what they do, even when it's just playing a game like he was with you. :(

I've been there. Had the home, cell and work phone numbers. His secretary even knew what he was doing and never said a word. Heck, he even met my parents! Never wore a ring. We would go out with my friends all the time and he'd pick me up at work for lunch dates..... Just no way to know really.

It makes you not want to trust people, but we can't live like that.

[FreeAtLast]

Thanks for your honest and eye opening post.

Hey Ron np. It was a new lesson in life for me.

Belle sweetie thanks for sharing your story too. It's amazing that there are so many slime balls out there.

[Dot Matrix]

Well Free, once upon a time, I was looking for Jesus and found a great group of believers. Their leader was a great guy living and doing the Bible. I gave them money, a large portion of my life and my "stand". Then, I found out most of it was a lie.

Since then, I have tried to collect facts.

Sometimes I have failed.

Once, I dated a guy who was nuts for me. It turned out I looked EXACTLY like the girl who dumped him, except she had bangs. His friends warned me, but it was hard to believe. So, I fashined my hair like I had bangs and took my picture. I left it sit out. When he came in, he nearly fainted when he saw it. He then confessed that when he kissed me he pretended I was her. Our whole dating experience was HIM pretending I was HER. We had been dating nearly a year.

Like you, I was sick about it.

[FreeAtLast]

(((Dot))) How horrible to find out such a horrible truth.

YOu are worth much better treatment.

At least you didn't have to deal with what a friend of mine had to deal with. Her husband would picture another guy while he and she,,,, you know :redface: