Begats can't be choosers: You're stuck with your parents.
(Don't) Show Me the Money
A journalist watching Mother Teresa care for a dying charge once remarked, "I wouldn't do that for a million dollars." Mother Teresa replied, "Neither would I."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well', he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother Of God he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Divine DoppelgängersThey've never been seen in the same room together. They clearly share a high percentage of the same genes. Meet the people who have been... quite literally... born twice.Previously on Born Twice...Todd Bentley
The "family" he belongs to is famously obsessed with death, mortification, weird clothes and creepy buildings – but hey, that's Catholicism for you. Wikipedia characterises Uncle Fester as a "barrel-shaped man with dark, sunken eyes and often a deranged smile." Yes, Papa Benny would surely be welcomed with open arms by Lurch, Morticia and Cousin Itt. As if to prove it, Thing is even pictured in the left-hand photo above.
I heard this on on a local Radio show. The guest was the president of "the Sons of Norway", who in this part of the country is a real class act, almost local royalty in some circles.
"YA, WE'RE THINKING ABOUT CHANGING THE NAME OF THE GROUP TO THE SONS OF BITCHES......"
(Stunned silence from the hosts)
"DAT WAY THE SVEDES CAN JOIN"
(IMO this was the 2nd funniest thing I ever heard on the air.)
(added in editing)
I'm half Swede and almost half Norwegian, so this scandinavian rivalry I've seen from both sides of my family. I think it's just funny, not insulting. How else could I get through either sides family reunions without laughing?
A friend of mine said he had the sure-fire cure to end the plethora of divorces in his state. He said that every six months all men over 21 had to find a women they hated... and then buy her a house...
Let me say before I tell this joke that I used to play soccer (that's football for you non- United States readers) and coach youth soccer. I also believe that it is wrong to disrespect and oppress certain lifestyle choices that many cultured allow. But this joke seems sooo good that I hope that my disclaimer here is enough for folks to understand that I have no hate or prejudice in it and that I have no axe to grind any sport in general.
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Mark Clarke
How do you get holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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Kit Sober
From the Catholic Digest:
just a letter or two...
Carpe diet: Seize the non-fat.
Begats can't be choosers: You're stuck with your parents.
(Don't) Show Me the Money
A journalist watching Mother Teresa care for a dying charge once remarked, "I wouldn't do that for a million dollars." Mother Teresa replied, "Neither would I."
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doojable
My daughter collects funny one liners:
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Where there is no patrol car there is no speed limit. ~ Peter Beckmann
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ~ Ernest Hemingway
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling people that sometimes corn needs to lay the phluck down!
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.
~ Groucho Marx
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Dude, that was freakin' awesome!"
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dmiller
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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Mark Clarke
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
--Groucho Marx
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cheranne
Holy Men and The Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well', he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother Of God he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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cheranne
Uncle Fester
Richard Turnbull
John Wesley
Andrew Rumsey
Rowan Williams
Joseph Naumann
Mel Gibson
Richard Chartres
Ariel Sharon
From W. Addams, 1 July 2008
The "family" he belongs to is famously obsessed with death, mortification, weird clothes and creepy buildings – but hey, that's Catholicism for you. Wikipedia characterises Uncle Fester as a "barrel-shaped man with dark, sunken eyes and often a deranged smile." Yes, Papa Benny would surely be welcomed with open arms by Lurch, Morticia and Cousin Itt. As if to prove it, Thing is even pictured in the left-hand photo above.
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Steveo
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Mark Clarke
A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down her throat!"
The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An ambulance is on the way."
When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a fish over his wife's mouth.
"What on earth are you doing?" exclaimed the EMT. "Didn't the 911 operator tell you to wave a piece of cheese over your wife's mouth?"
"Yes," the man replied. "But I gotta get the cat out first."
:o
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JeffSjo
I heard this on on a local Radio show. The guest was the president of "the Sons of Norway", who in this part of the country is a real class act, almost local royalty in some circles.
"YA, WE'RE THINKING ABOUT CHANGING THE NAME OF THE GROUP TO THE SONS OF BITCHES......"
(Stunned silence from the hosts)
"DAT WAY THE SVEDES CAN JOIN"
(IMO this was the 2nd funniest thing I ever heard on the air.)
(added in editing)
I'm half Swede and almost half Norwegian, so this scandinavian rivalry I've seen from both sides of my family. I think it's just funny, not insulting. How else could I get through either sides family reunions without laughing?
Edited by JeffSjoLink to comment
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cheranne
As punishment for being late for choir,this angel w
as reassigned to the Hilton sisters! 
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Zshot
From the title of this thread, I thought it was about the vertically impaired
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GrouchoMarxJr
The shortest joke I can think of is...hmmm...
...Hillary wept?
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Greek2me
A friend of mine said he had the sure-fire cure to end the plethora of divorces in his state. He said that every six months all men over 21 had to find a women they hated... and then buy her a house...
puh dum, *cymbal*
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JeffSjo
IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE RUNNING AROUND NAKED YOU SHOULD DRINK SOME WINDEX FIRST.
IT'LL KEEP YOU FROM STREAKING.
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Tom Strange
well... he is short...
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kimberly
What is the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey ya'll.....watch this!!"
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doojable
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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excathedra
did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
she still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue
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mstar1
EW excie!
HERES a good blonde joke
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Raf
That is funny.
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excathedra
ditto
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Mark Clarke
What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.
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JeffSjo
Let me say before I tell this joke that I used to play soccer (that's football for you non- United States readers) and coach youth soccer. I also believe that it is wrong to disrespect and oppress certain lifestyle choices that many cultured allow. But this joke seems sooo good that I hope that my disclaimer here is enough for folks to understand that I have no hate or prejudice in it and that I have no axe to grind any sport in general.
WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT PLAYING SOCCER?
TELLING YOUR FATHER THAT YOU ARE GAY.
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