My testimony

[bowtwi]

All my life, as far back as I can remember I've wanted to really know God and have a close, personal relationship with Him. I grew up with a pretty wild family. My mom considered men disposable and had been married and divorced six times by the time she died at age 38. I really never felt like I belonged anywhere much except in church. As a kid I always loved the way people treated each other there. As a teen living in foster homes and such I never settled into a church.

I was 18 when my mom died. When I was 21, I got involved with some people that I thought were just a nice group of people who met in their homes rather than church buildings and we studied the Bible together a few times a week and did our best to live what we learned. I was involved in that group for about 15 years, raised my son in it. We thought we were the modern day, real life Book of Acts.

I was newly married at the time I met up with these people. My husband wanted no part of Bible study or worshiping God. He loved the changes in me as I became more of what the Bible said about being a wife, but he had no interest in joining me in my Christian studies and activities. We stayed married for 14 years until I had progressed up the ranks in what I thought was a terrific ministry. When I could no longer "grow" any further with him according to the cult, I was convinced by the cult leaders that I needed to divorce him so I would be free to do the things they said God wanted for my life.

After my divorce, my son and I were missionaries for a year, and then moved into a college campus setting where I was going to take a 2-year in-residence course for a degree in theology. I was gonna be a MINISTER and love God's people like I thought HE would have me do. I was so sure that I was right where I belonged, right where God wanted me. I enrolled my son in the local high school. All of a sudden one day my son and I were kicked out with one hour's notice to pack up and leave over false accusations. I won't go into those details this morning– maybe another day. But I can tell you I was devastated. My son actually told me to call the leadership and tell them to ask God what happened or didn't happen. But of course, the leadership wouldn't consider anything we had to say.

I had alienated everyone who knew me and loved me outside of the cult – unless they were members of the cult I had no time or energy for them. Now all of a sudden nobody IN the cult could talk to me – I had been what they called "marked and avoided"; I'd been excommunicated. If the leadership found out someone had talked to me they would've been kicked out next. I called my closest friends in the cult and they refused to speak to me. I was persona non grata. I might as well have been dead. They told me I was now outside of God's hedge of protection and He wouldn't even spit in my direction. I was lost and without hope. They told me they had turned me over to Satan to have his way with me and surely I would die a miserable death.

I believed them.

I lived pretty much like a hermit for the next 10 years. For at least 2 years every time my phone rang I thought it was someone from the cult calling to tell me they'd caught their mistake and wanted us to come back. My son was 14 when they kicked us out and refused to allow us to even know who made the accusations. I went so far as to find out it would have cost $225 each to take a lie detector test to prove the accusations were false. To this day I don't know by whom or why we were singled out. Today it no longer matters to me. Today I just thank God they kicked us out 'cause I'd have probably never left on my own.

A year or two out of the cult I discovered a tumor in my abdominal wall. They figured it'd been growing for at least two years, maybe three. Turned out to be benign, but of course I feared the devil was taking me out. I lived in pretty constant fear that any moment could be my last.

Over my 10 years in Florida I tried to go to a few different churches. I was so brainwashed by the cult and to its doctrine that no matter where I went to church somebody said something that cut through me like a knife. Stuff like a song at one church they sang praising Mary and calling her the mother of God and then praying to her, I had to get up and leave. I couldn't bear to stay there, was afraid I might throw up. I thought there were devils all over that place.

When a minister at another church prayed to Jesus I almost did throw up and had to about run out of that church. The cult's main claim to fame was that they believed Jesus was not God and that the dead are as if asleep and not in heaven now, and that if you prayed to anyone other than God you were risking praying to the devil and if you thought otherwise they'd bully you, badger you, beat you over the head with twisted scripture til you saw it their way. They demanded everybody believe everything all the same as they did. Everything.

I didn't make a deliberate decision to join a cult. I came to realize a few years after I'd been kicked out that it had been a cult all along. It was a tough realization - that I had been caught up in a cult. I would've thought I was too strong-minded to be fooled like that!

Finally, after 10 years of living in Florida 'cause that's where they told me to go when they kicked me out and I was waiting for them to call me and admit their mistake and welcome us back, I took a huge risk, made a huge move and began my escape out of that bondage. I originally came to this town to help another former cult member move and settle into his new home. I intended to stay here for a 4-week working vacation and then return to my life in Florida.

So, we first came to this town on what I thought was going to be a 4-week working vacation. I'm a medical transcriber and work from home so as long as I have electricity and an internet connection I can pretty much work anywhere.

My friend was friends with a couple that live here. I had met this couple a few times over the years at different cult events around the country. I have a very special place in my heart for these two lovely believers.

They welcomed me into their lives like a long-lost family member. I must've looked to them like a deer caught in headlights. I really hadn't socialized much at all since being kicked out of the cult. They invited me to be a part of everything they did with people. They were so busy loving and teaching people every day! I saw and spoke to more people each day while visiting with them than I did in a month back home. They did what they called "cult exit counseling". I'd never heard of such a thing. It was fascinating. And it was fun.

One day the wife was preparing for her weekly meeting with a couple Jehovah's Witness ladies. She wanted to prove a particular point using Scripture. I was in awe of her ability to still enjoy the Bible post cult. I'd barely opened mine in ten years. I wanted to, but every time I tried I heard that man's voice telling me that God wanted nothing to do with me, that I was no longer inside God's hedge of protection, that I'd been turned over to Satan. I was without hope. I felt hope-less.

When my friend was preparing for this discussion with the Jehovah's Witness ladies, we were sitting outside at her mom's house at a patio table. She very casually asked me to look through the Bible she placed in front of me and find certain scriptures for her to help her make shorter work of what she was doing. I was dumbstruck! I was like, What, ME???? Are you kidding???? I can't do that – it's been YEARS. Fortunately, my friend is who she is and she just kinda giggled and said its okay, you can handle it. I need some help here and I know you can do this.

That was the start of my return to my life as an active Christian. I opened the Bible and did as she asked. Sounds pretty simple now as I look back, but at the time it seemed so hugely difficult. She loved me into doing what I wanted to, but was afraid to do.

I came to this church several times over a few years. Five years ago my little brother came to visit me and he wanted us to attend church together. I brought him here. We were both delighted to be allowed to partake of communion and talked for hours afterward about how great this church was, how sweet the fellowship here was.

Then I started trying to come on my own, without my brother. He lives 800 miles from here.

When I didn't talk myself out of it we'd arrive just in time for Sunday School if I could handle that, or just as the service was beginning if I didn't think I could handle actually talking to anybody. I still felt the sting of being kicked out of the cult. I was afraid to talk to you! I was afraid if you knew I'd been kicked out by the cult you'd judge me unworthy too. I was so full of fear, fear and guilt for being kicked out of a cult! Sounds bizarre even to MY ears now, but that's how I felt for years. I felt like I'd let God down and couldn't be forgiven.

I tried to come to here several times and just plain chickened out in the parking lot and went back home without even getting out of the car. One time, my daughter and I came here and I had a panic attack right in the middle of the entryway out there! I froze where I was standing and just started to cry. My daughter was about to run off to Sunday school. I was panic-stricken and seriously unable to move. She asked me if I needed her to help me walk. I said no, but I gotta get out of here! She asked if she had to leave too, or could she go on down to Sunday school? I let her go and I made my way back out the door. I sat out in my car in the parking lot and just sobbed. I can't explain what that kind of fear is like. I wanted to be down there in the Sunday school class, but there I was - stuck out in the parking lot in my car, bawling like a baby feeling like once again I had failed God. After Sunday School my daughter came out to the car and we went home. I think that's the first time she started to really get how badly I'd been affected by the cult.

I t took a lot of work to get to where I could actually just drive here and come inside the building and sit down and enjoy the service, much less participate in the coffee and donuts fellowship time and actually speak to people. Today I enjoy coordinating the refreshments for the Sunday morning fellowship time between the services and occasionally helping out in the nursery. That's as much as I've felt I had to give up until just recently.

I spoke with the pastor here many times over those years. Seemed to be more than just a coincidence that I'd see him every now and then around town or over in the next town when I'd be at a gas station or bank, I didn't know a lot of people around here my first several years here, yet I kept seeing him, almost everywhere I went. I didn't run into other people like that til after I started coming here regularly, just this pastor! He was such a breath of fresh air. I felt so comfortable talking with him. I could feel the love of God in this man. He didn't care that I'd been kicked out of a cult. He wasn't afraid of me! He WANTED to talk to me. He wanted to know what I believed NOW. He wanted to share the love of God with me. He wanted to talk to me about Jesus! He knew and loved this couple I had told you about that were also ex-way and he wanted to get to know me, too. He didn't even flinch when I said I would never be able to actually become a member of His church, but I wanted to attend whenever I could physically get here. He welcomed me whenever I could make it. He said it wasn't HIS church, it was JESUS' church and EVERYBODY was welcome here. He didn't require me to change what I believed to line up with what he believed like the cult did. He told me this congregation would welcome me and love me no matter who had rejected me before. He asked me if only perfect people were allowed here how full did I think the pews would be? He said it was about loving the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and loving our neighbors as ourselves, not about what they could get from me. He loved me with the love of Jesus into loving myself again. What the cult stole from me, he helped me gain back.

What I saw in the pastor I also saw in (names of 8 people here in my town) and so many other people here that I did speak with over the first several years I came here what I recognized as the love of Jesus. None of them expected anything out of me. They invited me to join them in what they were doing: Sunday School, fellowship dinners after the service, Bible studies, women's fellowships, outreach activities. They didn't ask me what my sin was like the cult did. They just continually showed me the love of Jesus! Now I'm strong again and able to show that love to others.

It's no longer a struggle for me to get to church each week. It's more of a struggle for me to get through the week when I haven't made it to church. I'm so thankful to have found this congregation where I feel safe to come and simply worship God with other Christians. This congregation lives the great commandment as Jesus taught it! You all loved me through what I needed to get through and now I have something to give back.

I think I'm one of those people the pastor mentioned last week about there are people that might be our neighbors who are just waiting to be loved into feeling welcome here. I'd like you to consider your neighbors or co-workers and friends – maybe there's somebody you know that might be like I was, who for whatever reason feels unworthy to enter a church but really wants to; they're just starving to feel welcome in a church and maybe you'd like to invite them to join us on a Sunday or maybe a Wednesday night.

Thank you so much! God bless you! (January 2010)

Edited November 22, 2010 by bowtwi

[soul searcher]

Great story, bowtwi. Thanks for sharing.

[Dot Matrix]

This is a little naughty and X rated but Bow with your triumphant testimony all I kept thinking about was this movie and Bruce Willis so here goes:

Forgive the dirty word ~ it is the joyous sentiment I wanted to share!

[newlife]

That is awesome!!! I'm so glad you shared your story with us. I am still trying to "find" my place in a church and still struggling with things....Your story gives me hope....lots of it.....Thank you so Much!!

[frank123lol]

Hoo-ray for you getting out of said cult,There is victory in Jesus,and it ain't said cult.

[Ham]

I've come to terms with the idea that said group was trying to sell a path to something that does not exist. The path they are trying to sell, that is. Not the "something"..

[bowtwi]

This is a little naughty and X rated but Bow with your triumphant testimony all I kept thinking about was this movie and Bruce Willis so here goes:

Forgive the dirty word ~ it is the joyous sentiment I wanted to share!

A little naughty? LOL That's like a little pregnant!

I think it's very fitting and you know, I've always appreciated a well-placed F-bomb.

Very funny, Dot Darlin! :biglaugh:

I've come to terms with the idea that said group was trying to sell a path to something that does not exist. The path they are trying to sell, that is. Not the "something"..

Maybe you'd like to start a thread on how you came to terms with all that and share your testimony? Or even put it here, would be fine with me.

Hoo-ray for you getting out of said cult,There is victory in Jesus,and it ain't said cult.

Soul Searcher, Newlife, Frank - Thanks for the positive comments - I appreciate them!

[waysider]

What can I add except, "You go, girl!"

[Gen-2]

A lot of this stuff I read, and I find the experiences many of you lived through difficult to completely comprehend personally. For all my own problems, I've led a charmed life in comparison.

bowtwi, I am glad you are reclaiming your life. I know, I sometimes make flippant replies to things (it's my nature, my way of dealing with things), BUT I FEEL LIKE CHEERING FOR YOU !!! Your story resonates,... you are a gifted storyteller, and that is quite a compliment.

[PurpleDays]

Touching testimony. It speaks volumes!

[Twinky]

Bowtwi, that's wonderful, awesome.. God knew what he was doing when he prompted you to move to that town. You thought you were doing this - but his plan was something else!!!

The church sounds tremendous and very healing. What a lovely man the pastor sounds like. Many of the congregation wouldn't comprehend what you went through, but so what, they just lived what they know to live. Knowing, really knowing, the love of God - is what has truly set you free.

Go and grow, girl!! Thanks for sharing this.

[Ham]

Maybe you'd like to start a thread on how you came to terms with all that and share your testimony? Or even put it here, would be fine with me.

I've shared my steps into insanity, a few times.. heh.

there were a few steps along the way..

One of them was a look into some kind of light, for about 1.5 seconds..

and that is all it took.. all but a mere skin of individuality left.. no, no drugs were involved..

then there was the WalMart visit.

I think that was the "kicker"..

no joke.. in one SOBER moment..

the employees looked like zombies..

maybe I shouldn't elaborate. But after that, I started to look and dig.. why was it what it was I was (am) seeing..

ha! The last time I heard grad students in a conversation with the words "Wal Mart" and "gross national product" mentioned.. it had my attention..

I sprung from my desk like a spring chicken..

I thought they said some correlation between wal mart and GPA.. grade point average..

and the people who were talking could see some kind of correlation between the two..

maybe this is more than what you are asking for..

but I've figured out a few things.. where I am or have become enlightened.. it alters me to the extent I cannot deny it, compromise, or whatever.. I will never buy again at Wal Mart..

Yeah, in other ways, I'm and *they* are as screwed up as I am. But we are working on that very problem..

[excathedra]

dear bow (and my love to bow jr)

i have absolutely no interest in any church, but your pastor and people sound like angels

love,

ex

[Ham]

scary question I know..

but where do angels abide..

If you want to abide where I am at.. wonderful.

If not..

what do we do now..

[Ham]

sorry.. it isn't the x.. at the end up of x, at the end of x..

where do we want to begin from here, from the biginning of here..

[bowtwi]

dear bow (and my love to bow jr)

i have absolutely no interest in any church, but your pastor and people sound like angels

love,

ex

I came into this church declaring that I'd NEVER be a member and NEVER would contribute my money after all the way took from me and mine.

They genuinely loved me continually over a long period of time, never ever demanding or even suggesting I do anything at all - until the pastor asked

me if I felt ready to give my testimony. There wasn't even any pressure then. I hadn't told anyone but our precious Dot Matrix the thoughts and dreams

I was having while seeing other people teach from the pulpit when the pastor was away and altho she encouraged me to tell the pastor I thought I

wanted to fill it at some point, I only told GOD that. I also only told GOD my other deepest hearts' desires. When the pastor asked me specific things

that I had only said to GOD in my thoughts (yeah, still believing some twi doctrine) THEN I felt that this was really of GOD and not just some man's

recognition that I could be worked...

This has happened very specifically several times here and that's why I've even dared to step into this church thing at all after all the pain from

being involved in the way. Like you, I never quit loving God and Jesus. If you're ever up for a trip to the midwest, I'd love you to come and see

for yourself this church congregation. It's the real deal, I'm convinced!

[Twinky]

Bowtwi, I'm so pleased for you.

You have so very much to contribute, to share, to teach in such a loving way.

You're going to be a real blessing and (dare I say it) safe pair of hands in that church.

You may find your ministry really opens some new doors to a whole different group of people.

God bless you.

[bowtwi]

Thanks, Twinky and God bless you, too. You're one of the people here I look to see what you've posted anytime I see you've posted. :)

Last winter after I presented my testimony a couple of the associate pastors invited Annie and me out to dinner and asked me to consider organizing a sort of outreach program.

They wanted to reach people who'd been hurt by churches but might still be interested in some sort of fellowship with believers. We started having kickball games and a cookout

afterward - out at a farm that was given to our church. We don't meet at the church. In the winter we're thinking we'll have dances or karaoke nights, something we can rent the

town's Community Center for an evening for. We have no teachings, we simply hang out and have fun. Yep, I'm definitely enjoying this "outreach minister" thing. No pressure,

but if and when folks that attend these bring up the subject that they want to check out a church we tell them which church seems to us would suit them best, even if it isn't ours.

I especially like those parts of it - WE don't bring it up and we don't necessarily suggest OUR church.

I don't know that I'll ever actually pastor my own church, but I'm having fun and I'm loving God's people - for now, that's what I want to be doing. I'm very satisfied - for now.

[Twinky]

Thanks, Bowtwi. I always look out for your posts, too.

Your outreach thing sounds great! Just the thing.

Sad in a way - that people who have been hurt by the church are so prevalent.

But excellent that they still want to hang out.

You'll do so well, helping them. Helping them see that their church that hurt them, and God, are not at all the same. You may end up sharing your story a lot.

And it's nice that you can offer people churches to suit where they're at now.

There are so many different ways to enjoy "church" and to stick to one rigid style simply keeps God crammed in a box and prevents him, or perhaps his people, being enjoyed in every variety.

The church I go to has a surprising number of people in it who have been hurt elsewhere, or come from bitter church splits. The vicar has always been very careful how he says things. It's been healing for me.

I like my church but lately it hasn't seemed to meet my needs, or where I'm at.

I've started to go to an evening service at a different location.

Such a different feel. Yet it's just what I need at the moment.

And it's okay to do that!

[chockfull]

Thanks, Twinky and God bless you, too. You're one of the people here I look to see what you've posted anytime I see you've posted. :)

Last winter after I presented my testimony a couple of the associate pastors invited Annie and me out to dinner and asked me to consider organizing a sort of outreach program.

They wanted to reach people who'd been hurt by churches but might still be interested in some sort of fellowship with believers. We started having kickball games and a cookout

afterward - out at a farm that was given to our church. We don't meet at the church. In the winter we're thinking we'll have dances or karaoke nights, something we can rent the

town's Community Center for an evening for. We have no teachings, we simply hang out and have fun. Yep, I'm definitely enjoying this "outreach minister" thing. No pressure,

but if and when folks that attend these bring up the subject that they want to check out a church we tell them which church seems to us would suit them best, even if it isn't ours.

I especially like those parts of it - WE don't bring it up and we don't necessarily suggest OUR church.

I don't know that I'll ever actually pastor my own church, but I'm having fun and I'm loving God's people - for now, that's what I want to be doing. I'm very satisfied - for now.

This sounds like a great blessing and open door, Bow. One thing that has struck me most recently is how much more effective that a Christian local church can be in a local community, as they actually have real ties there. Buildings, taxes, etc.

TWI has absolutely nothing to offer in this capacity. Their local ministers are traveling vagabonds, that most likely will be moved within the next 5 years. They own no property as it's against their rules. They own no buildings, but meetings are held at free or cheap facilities. They don't even commit to renting a facility for a long period of time like many of the starter churches do in areas. They have no investment in their local communities. They really have no ministry leadership making any effort to visit them and teach, etc. All they do is sit on a rural farm, act like hotshots, put out boring teaching tapes, and make up new rules to restrict the Christian further.

Your average Christian church in a local community is a far better vehicle of reaching out to people about Christ than TWI ever will be. All they offer is an egotistical elitist attitude, and a bunch of rules.