All of the professionals make sure that people understand that cheating is not about any lack in one's partner and relationship, but is about one's own lack...of maturity, self-control, self worth, etc.
Having been cheated on, it's hard to believe this...but it's true.
Having had several opportunities and reasons to cheat but not cheating, I know it's true.
Something I tell men when they try to convince me to cheat with them "because my wife" blah blah blah: Go home and put this much energy, this much effort, this much time, this much money into convincing your wife that you're somebody worth sleeping with. Trust me, things will change for the better.
If one thinks that one has the option of cheating, then one is not putting into the relationship anything close to what one wants to get out of the relationship.
See, a person has to give him/herself permission to cheat before he/she even starts the process. It's in a person's mind long before it's in a person's reality. And it was always there from the beginning. Cheating starts waaaaaaaaaaay back when one's coping skills were being formed. Instead of facing one's problems, solving them, then moving on, one learned early in life that the way to cope with problems was to quit in the middle of something and take up something new.
In a bad marriage? Loveless? Abusive? Cold? Maybe your partner is dying or something?
Whatever excuse it may be, the mature person resolves their situations before getting into others.
That's what the professionals say...
And that's what my life experience has shown me to be true.
Re:" always wondered what brings people to the point where they look at the person they love or used to love and decide it is okay to run around"
The really fun part is, after they've already started the "running around", is all the faults they find with their spouse in order to minimize what they're doing wrong.
I know it is up to the person to KEEP their commitment and I find it interesting how some do and some don't
A friend of mine told me that in marriage you will find thousands of reasons to LEAVE everyday, the trick is to find the reasons in staying together. But being cheated on is very painful.
It seems that woman who do breakdown and do it, do so because their relationship lacks meaning/attention and a man who cheats seems to say, "It didn't mean anything...." ya know the "other woman". So, if it means NOTHING then why do it?
MEn say cheating is meaningless and woman cheat to find meaning....
And with a woman if you are seeking meaning perhaps there are parts of yourself you need to find...
I dunno....
It is just so painful. Two of my friends have been/are being cheated on right now. The one finally got divirced and the guy married the mistress in 3 weeks. His wife of 30 yearsish is just laying in bed in pain. The other found her husband is running around with the neighbor.
Sometimes I think attraction is a great thing, like when you first date. But when LIFE happens, there are bills to pay, illness happens, death in the family, job loss it kind of overrides all the simple reasons you loved the person to begin with. Then the new person, without any of the cumbersome things of LIFE is sitting there looking good and uncomplicated.....
But then they get involved with them and LIFE happens.
CoolWaters, staying together must really be about the "core" of each person, I imagine. Good post, BTW
George, I know people who fuel their cheating by making it their partners fault, I guess the spouse is an easy target when you are laying next to your cheater new boy/girl friend
It is just such a painful thing to live through. (Cheaters) Why not break up BEFORE you date others? Ya know? Sorry that happened to you
Call me old fashioned, but I thought it was all about pleasing the spouse, not pleasing ones self. If the focus leaves the spouse and focuses on "me," "me" becomes very vulnerable to temptation to cheat.
I personally haven't, but I've noted that the times where I've been tempted have been at a time that I've focused on my own self versus on my spouse. And pretty much whenever I've talked to somebody who has cheated on his/her spouse, their sentences are always punctuated with "me" "me" "I" "I" and so on.
Not to say that it's the easiest if the spouse is constantly a black hole (absorbs everything, gives nothing). Hopefully both adequately discerned their attitudes towards giving/receiving/etc., before they got hitched.
Geo is absolutely right in what he says, though. The fault-finding. The blame. In order to justify the behavior. But, again, it's a matter trying to justify one's behavior (i.e., it's still about "ME")
And CW is absolutely right in what she says: it's immaturity. Sort of like a 3-year old saying "me, me, me"
But I think the bottom line is a matter of egocentrism, all in all.
I can see how the loneliness just gets into depression and how it all happens, still not an advocate, but I see how it can happen. I do not really see how to prevent it if you go to your spouse over and over and ask them to pay attention to you, or look for a compliment and they ignore your needs for feeling "connected" I can see how someone being NICE to you can be a long forgotten piece of candy.
People want to feel loved. They want someone to want them. Not be wanted.
If you want more love and attention give more love and attention. Don't ask to be loved more.
Kiss like you want to do the wild monkey. Not like you kiss your mom or dad.
Ladies believe it or not men like affection/love.
Make your man want to come home to momma.
If you want us to go run off and cheat heres the list.
Quit caring how you look.
Quit saying nice things.
Start telling us how other men do things.
Get made if we play a little grab foot in the kitchen.
Have a head acke all the time and then when you want it expect us to be up in a second.
Dont act affectionate.
React badly if we look at a pretty girl. Please note I said look.
Maybe act like you do love us even when we're not perfect.
The list can go on and on.
Some times we all look or are driven off.
Also some of us just like to flirt. Its a shock though when we playingly flirt and a woman flirts back.
Sorry I ramble. Basic concept is that we all want love. Its even better when it comes with sex.
Ok... I cannot fathom cheating for any reason. I have been involved in a difficult marriage for nearly 20 years....There simply is not any acceptible excuse for doing this in my book..
Get a divorce rather then put your partner at risk for a life threatening disease without their knowledge.
I want to tell a story.....
My Mom, has a new neighbor ..... she talked about the poor lady, a recent refugee from a very nasty divorce.
Her ex was a wealthy local attorny...she had the big house the whole works...and gosh darn it...the man ended up turning to drugs cheating on her repeatedly .... running with a bad croud...n doggone it he ended up stealing all of her jewlery and selling it.....they are older...in their late 60s btw ...
Well here is the REST of the stowry.....
I met the neighbor and low n behold I KNOW her! I actually stayed with her and her husband right after they were married at their cottage on the river as a guest of the husbands son`s family about 10 years ago.
The grown son at the time ... shared with me how he detested them both because they had been cheating together most of the time he was growing up while my friends father was married to his mom....
It broke his mothers heart to have her spouse go out to walk the dog several times weekly ....ionly to meet the girl friend /future 2nd wife half way around the block for their little flings <_< The kids knew and hated him for it....
She then becomes 2nd wife when kids are safely grown and this guy divorces wife number 1 to marry long time girl friend ..
So this poor gal then has the NERVE to tell me when we are chatting this week that poor baby ex hubby was such a NICE man before he started the drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd
Hellooooo??? She knew this rat bastard cheated on his first wife and mother of his children for years before he divorced to marry her....What the he ll did she THINK he would do when he got bored with HER...or she got a little less perky looking and fun???
Anyway, here she is old...alone... used up and she blames HIM!!!
Worse yet she talkes about him being skeletally thin arms and legs like tooth picks due to the drugs....with the behavior he has exhibited....she damned well better get herself checked out to make sure he hasn`t left her a permanent *gift* to remember him by :(
Moral of the story? A spouse who would cheat isn`t a spouse..they have broken that trust .....they are just playing games...and might as well leave anyway.
Personally, I would say good ridance to a spouse who could excuse cheating....they weren`t worth a damn to begin with if they break their vows.
All great insight everyone. Everyone of those reasons apply.
I have just one tip for NOT cheating...........
"do not con yourself into thinking your 'just freinds'"
I have dealt with this for many girlfriends.
Girls night out, guys night out, colleage to lunch, biz meetings....etc...
These can potentially spell disaster for the "not so satisfied" spouse.
DON"T GO THERE!
you can easily "like' someone new, because you get all those endorphines rushing like you did the first month you dated your spouse. It's new and exciting , so duh, you can "fall" for someone else, easy.
So DON"T START
Say NO thank you to the so called "business lunches with the opposite sex" esp, if you have ANY attraction whatsoever. Why develop the attraction any further?
I've had to learn not to be offended when men (mostly godly) don't look at me in the eye, keep it short, or just not bother chatting with me. I use to. But I have realized this is what leads to trouble.
Esp when it comes to "ministers" and such. We've all learned our lesson here haven't we?
There were times in the ministry when men grouped me too much, then, when others didn't I used to say "what 's wrong with me?" Then I grew up. I don't want them drooling, I want respect. If I need spiritual counsel, after my own hubby(not all can do this, I know), I'll go to the "wife" for help.
At the church we attend, the head pastor has a cop follow him around to hold him "accountable". why?
Because women flock to get "help" from him, and he wants to help, he just needs help to keep it strictly "on the word".
So, there are many reasons why people cheat, it all comes down to , self, like Mark said.
You should always turn "toward" eachother, not away.
If you can't, well divorce is another topic. :blink:
Not ever having been 'cheated on', nor having ever been a 'cheater' I have no idea of what makes someone do that. I would have to assume that it is likely neglect somewhere.
... Something I tell men ... Go home and put this much energy, this much effort, this much time, this much money into convincing your wife that you're somebody worth sleeping with. Trust me, things will change for the better.
However I can say that there are circumstances where a spouse does already know that your somebody 'worth' it, but that commonly she simply does not have the libido or sex-drive to care.
Not saying that 'love' is not there, but that any drive to have a physical relationship with another human is simply missing in some. I have sought counseling, and I have found that there are others who also have spouses who are wonderful people, but who simply have no drive to ever have a physical relationship with someone else. Sometimes it does not happen until after the honeymoon, and sometimes libido levels seem okay until after a child or two.
I assure you that wining and dining and flowers and holiday trips and special moments, just don't change a person's physical emotional drive levels.
... If one thinks that one has the option of cheating, then one is not putting into the relationship anything close to what one wants to get out of the relationship.
I agree.
Though if a spouse does have some level of libido, and their spouse does not; then no matter what level of effort, money or doctor's visits they go through it is not going to change. None of this justifies 'cheating'.
some of us, do however face the decision of celibacy within marriage, as the only option of maintaining our marriage vows.
I have been very fortunate by having a very devoted wife, and I have had wonderful examples set before me in the form of an uncle who took care of and nursed his invalid wife for a decade before she passed away.
So I do know that celibacy within marriage can and does work. and my wife and I are both dedicated to making it work, even if the physical side of a relationship does not work for us.
After 24 years together with her, I think that perhaps men who do focus entirely on sex, are perhaps a little out of focus in life. Sometimes it does take a lot of effort though, to stay in control of my mind.
Dang Dot.... why didn't you pose a simpler question like.... "What is the meaning of life?" Jeez...
Now we already know that IF we were TRUELY spiritual then this wouldn't even BE an issue because we would know that "it's just like shaking hands, if you can handle it" (He said tounge in cheek).
How you communicate with your spouse depends on the response you will get. If I am trying to get my husband's attention and I say "Honey, I'm going to bed. I hope you can meet me there." and he is busy, well that just frustrates him. If he's busy and I go in where he's at and start kissing his neck and ask him if he can come and cuddle me or whatever, that works much better. He will always be willing to drop whatever he's doing.
If I didn't realize that my words could frustrate and make my husband feel guilty (like in the first scenario), then I could feel neglected by my own fault. And I could probably justify getting my needs met elsewhere, right or wrong. It's hard to leave a marriage even when you are miserable. If you are not satisfied and can't work things out, it is better to just get a divorce. I did everything wrong the first time. I had thoughts that I wanted to go find someone else just to hurt my ex husband because of his neglect. I could have done better with how worded things to him instead of being bitter and peesed off all the time. I never cheated with husband #1, but I sure wanted to.
(BTW, email me I lost your address so I can put it in my record)
So, some think that appearance is a factor -- such as stop caring about the way you look...
That may apply to some, but Halle Barry a beauty had her guy running around, so that can't be all of it.
Maybe if the Guy is so worried about his wife's appearance it isn't about LOVE but about people viewing him as LUCKY to have such a hotty, which would make a person an object....
Such as a guy marries a beauty not because of her heart but her looks, then the first time she is ugly with the flu his feelings may change. So, that would be about the person not marrying for the right reasons...
Which gets back to what Coolwaters said when she said (ineffect) it was about the person doing the cheating, the maturity of that person.
Maybe if they had self worth then they wouldn't blame things like well she was all big and pregnant and it was a turn off...
When one isn't happy in a relationship perhaps one isn't happy with self, and being as most do not want to evaluate SELF they evaluate the spouse and make it THEIR fault they had to cheat....
My friend's husband was mad at her as she gained about 25 pounds over 30 years, but he was also mad she became a successful atty. He wanted her to be cute and cooking at home in his kitchen....
I say "you" not meaning anyone just using it as a pronoun in my thought process..
So, if what you look for in a mate is to have your needs met... rather than finding yourself, then when your mate does not fill your bottomless pit, you begin to look for someone else who might fill you...
So, some marry not for love but for "what you can do for me" "How I feel when I am with you" "If she is pretty, everyone envies ME." If she gains weight "people make fun of ME."
I know wonderful women who were kind, successful and "there" for their spouse and the spouse still cheated.
I thought it was about "sex" but after Halle Barry got cheated on -- it can't be about just looks and sex but maybe a search for something. Or loneliness.
Or couples are together that shoud not be, or people stop talking to each other I dunno.
I do not cheat, but my one friend had a horrible husband who emotionally abandoned her, would not ever schedule alone time, life became all about their kids to him. He told people, he would always side with his kids -- they are forever; wives may not be. She cheated on him for 3 years. If they divorce she gets nothing, and although I do not advocate it, in her shoes I may have done the same thing.
Very lonely union. She tells the daughter you cannot get a thong bathing suit, the father - right in front of the mother- says I'll buy it for you. The spoiled daughter had a fight with the mother, beating the mother on the floor. The daughter grabbed a knife to stab the mother and the father came home, the wife screaming "help me!"
Father walks in and says, "Stop it girls." And walks away.
To me he put the daughter in the position of the equally yoked and the wife was the goat in the back of the truck. She shrank and died. Then a guy came along and told her she was gorgeous and treats her like a queen.... It may be wrong but the whole thing is wrong -- all of it.
So, where does blame lie? Is cheating always wrong?
.... It may be wrong but the whole thing is wrong -- all of it.
So, where does blame lie? Is cheating always wrong?
I think that divorce is wrong.
I think that cheating is wrong.
I think that being abusive either physically or emotionally is wrong.
That being said we live on Earth, where many things are done wrong. I think that honestly getting a divorce and moving away from the abusive ex-spouse to start again is a 'far better evil' than staying in some situations.
Most people who do not approve of having multiple sexual partners have been conditioned that way. They feel betrayed and it hurts like hell and can be devastating. However, there are those who are not hurt and get along fine. In countries where multiple spouses are allowed it doesn't seem to be an issue. Even in the Western world "wife swapping" is practiced.
I don't think multiple sexual partners can be out and out condemned. The couple would have to both agree to it for it to work and if they do, more power to them. Who am I to tell them they are wrong.
Most people who do not approve of having multiple sexual partners have been conditioned that way. They feel betrayed and it hurts like hell and can be devastating. However, there are those who are not hurt and get along fine. In countries where multiple spouses are allowed it doesn't seem to be an issue. Even in the Western world "wife swapping" is practiced.
I don't think multiple sexual partners can be out and out condemned. The couple would have to both agree to it for it to work and if they do, more power to them. Who am I to tell them they are wrong.
I also have known a few polygamists. But that is not 'cheating', that is done by agreement and contract. Decent and in order. And as such it is fully biblical.
I also have known a few polygamists. But that is not 'cheating', that is done by agreement and contract. Decent and in order. And as such it is fully biblical.
The bible allows most sexual acts between a man and a woman including incest. Don't know if it is a real good reference as to what is right in this area.
I think men cheat because they get horny and want sex. Different sex. And I know some women who have cheated, and it was because they were horny and wanted sex. Different sex.
"Different sex". Johnny, do you mean they want sex with someone other than their wife? Or does different mean something considered out of the norm than they usually do?
I also have known a few polygamists. But that is not 'cheating', that is done by agreement and contract. Decent and in order. And as such it is fully biblical.
OK Galen and Stayed Too Long, I'll bite. . . . What Scripture supports this? ? ?
Are you saying that just because it happened in the Bible it's Biblical?
What about , "..let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband?"
OK Galen and Stayed Too Long, I'll bite. . . . What Scripture supports this? ? ?
Are you saying that just because it happened in the Bible it's Biblical?
What about , "..let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband?"
There is an account of some guy's daughters getting him drunk to have sex with them, and there was no condemnation of the women by God. The Kings in the bible had concubines and were not held accountable by God. God did get upset with David once but only because he had the concubine's husband killed first. In Timothy a leader is told to be the husband of one wife, which indicates it was available to have more than one wife.
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CoolWaters
All of the professionals make sure that people understand that cheating is not about any lack in one's partner and relationship, but is about one's own lack...of maturity, self-control, self worth, etc.
Having been cheated on, it's hard to believe this...but it's true.
Having had several opportunities and reasons to cheat but not cheating, I know it's true.
Something I tell men when they try to convince me to cheat with them "because my wife" blah blah blah: Go home and put this much energy, this much effort, this much time, this much money into convincing your wife that you're somebody worth sleeping with. Trust me, things will change for the better.
If one thinks that one has the option of cheating, then one is not putting into the relationship anything close to what one wants to get out of the relationship.
See, a person has to give him/herself permission to cheat before he/she even starts the process. It's in a person's mind long before it's in a person's reality. And it was always there from the beginning. Cheating starts waaaaaaaaaaay back when one's coping skills were being formed. Instead of facing one's problems, solving them, then moving on, one learned early in life that the way to cope with problems was to quit in the middle of something and take up something new.
In a bad marriage? Loveless? Abusive? Cold? Maybe your partner is dying or something?
Whatever excuse it may be, the mature person resolves their situations before getting into others.
That's what the professionals say...
And that's what my life experience has shown me to be true.
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George Aar
Dot,
Re:" always wondered what brings people to the point where they look at the person they love or used to love and decide it is okay to run around"
The really fun part is, after they've already started the "running around", is all the faults they find with their spouse in order to minimize what they're doing wrong.
It's just a real special experience...
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Dot Matrix
WOW to both of your honest answers.
I know it is up to the person to KEEP their commitment and I find it interesting how some do and some don't
A friend of mine told me that in marriage you will find thousands of reasons to LEAVE everyday, the trick is to find the reasons in staying together. But being cheated on is very painful.
It seems that woman who do breakdown and do it, do so because their relationship lacks meaning/attention and a man who cheats seems to say, "It didn't mean anything...." ya know the "other woman". So, if it means NOTHING then why do it?
MEn say cheating is meaningless and woman cheat to find meaning....
And with a woman if you are seeking meaning perhaps there are parts of yourself you need to find...
I dunno....
It is just so painful. Two of my friends have been/are being cheated on right now. The one finally got divirced and the guy married the mistress in 3 weeks. His wife of 30 yearsish is just laying in bed in pain. The other found her husband is running around with the neighbor.
Sometimes I think attraction is a great thing, like when you first date. But when LIFE happens, there are bills to pay, illness happens, death in the family, job loss it kind of overrides all the simple reasons you loved the person to begin with. Then the new person, without any of the cumbersome things of LIFE is sitting there looking good and uncomplicated.....
But then they get involved with them and LIFE happens.
CoolWaters, staying together must really be about the "core" of each person, I imagine. Good post, BTW
George, I know people who fuel their cheating by making it their partners fault, I guess the spouse is an easy target when you are laying next to your cheater new boy/girl friend
It is just such a painful thing to live through. (Cheaters) Why not break up BEFORE you date others? Ya know? Sorry that happened to you
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markomalley
Call me old fashioned, but I thought it was all about pleasing the spouse, not pleasing ones self. If the focus leaves the spouse and focuses on "me," "me" becomes very vulnerable to temptation to cheat.
I personally haven't, but I've noted that the times where I've been tempted have been at a time that I've focused on my own self versus on my spouse. And pretty much whenever I've talked to somebody who has cheated on his/her spouse, their sentences are always punctuated with "me" "me" "I" "I" and so on.
Not to say that it's the easiest if the spouse is constantly a black hole (absorbs everything, gives nothing). Hopefully both adequately discerned their attitudes towards giving/receiving/etc., before they got hitched.
Geo is absolutely right in what he says, though. The fault-finding. The blame. In order to justify the behavior. But, again, it's a matter trying to justify one's behavior (i.e., it's still about "ME")
And CW is absolutely right in what she says: it's immaturity. Sort of like a 3-year old saying "me, me, me"
But I think the bottom line is a matter of egocentrism, all in all.
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ex70sHouston
People want to feel loved. They want someone to want them. Not be wanted.
If you want more love and attention give more love and attention. Don't ask to be loved more.
Kiss like you want to do the wild monkey. Not like you kiss your mom or dad.
Ladies believe it or not men like affection/love.
Make your man want to come home to momma.
If you want us to go run off and cheat heres the list.
Quit caring how you look.
Quit saying nice things.
Start telling us how other men do things.
Get made if we play a little grab foot in the kitchen.
Have a head acke all the time and then when you want it expect us to be up in a second.
Dont act affectionate.
React badly if we look at a pretty girl. Please note I said look.
Maybe act like you do love us even when we're not perfect.
The list can go on and on.
Some times we all look or are driven off.
Also some of us just like to flirt. Its a shock though when we playingly flirt and a woman flirts back.
Sorry I ramble. Basic concept is that we all want love. Its even better when it comes with sex.
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rascal
Ok... I cannot fathom cheating for any reason. I have been involved in a difficult marriage for nearly 20 years....There simply is not any acceptible excuse for doing this in my book..
Get a divorce rather then put your partner at risk for a life threatening disease without their knowledge.
I want to tell a story.....
My Mom, has a new neighbor ..... she talked about the poor lady, a recent refugee from a very nasty divorce.
Her ex was a wealthy local attorny...she had the big house the whole works...and gosh darn it...the man ended up turning to drugs cheating on her repeatedly .... running with a bad croud...n doggone it he ended up stealing all of her jewlery and selling it.....they are older...in their late 60s btw ...
Well here is the REST of the stowry.....
I met the neighbor and low n behold I KNOW her! I actually stayed with her and her husband right after they were married at their cottage on the river as a guest of the husbands son`s family about 10 years ago.
The grown son at the time ... shared with me how he detested them both because they had been cheating together most of the time he was growing up while my friends father was married to his mom....
It broke his mothers heart to have her spouse go out to walk the dog several times weekly ....ionly to meet the girl friend /future 2nd wife half way around the block for their little flings <_< The kids knew and hated him for it....
She then becomes 2nd wife when kids are safely grown and this guy divorces wife number 1 to marry long time girl friend ..
So this poor gal then has the NERVE to tell me when we are chatting this week that poor baby ex hubby was such a NICE man before he started the drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd
Hellooooo??? She knew this rat bastard cheated on his first wife and mother of his children for years before he divorced to marry her....What the he ll did she THINK he would do when he got bored with HER...or she got a little less perky looking and fun???
Anyway, here she is old...alone... used up and she blames HIM!!!
Worse yet she talkes about him being skeletally thin arms and legs like tooth picks due to the drugs....with the behavior he has exhibited....she damned well better get herself checked out to make sure he hasn`t left her a permanent *gift* to remember him by :(
Moral of the story? A spouse who would cheat isn`t a spouse..they have broken that trust .....they are just playing games...and might as well leave anyway.
Personally, I would say good ridance to a spouse who could excuse cheating....they weren`t worth a damn to begin with if they break their vows.
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bliss
All great insight everyone. Everyone of those reasons apply.
I have just one tip for NOT cheating...........
"do not con yourself into thinking your 'just freinds'"
I have dealt with this for many girlfriends.
Girls night out, guys night out, colleage to lunch, biz meetings....etc...
These can potentially spell disaster for the "not so satisfied" spouse.
DON"T GO THERE!
you can easily "like' someone new, because you get all those endorphines rushing like you did the first month you dated your spouse. It's new and exciting , so duh, you can "fall" for someone else, easy.
So DON"T START
Say NO thank you to the so called "business lunches with the opposite sex" esp, if you have ANY attraction whatsoever. Why develop the attraction any further?
I've had to learn not to be offended when men (mostly godly) don't look at me in the eye, keep it short, or just not bother chatting with me. I use to. But I have realized this is what leads to trouble.
Esp when it comes to "ministers" and such. We've all learned our lesson here haven't we?
There were times in the ministry when men grouped me too much, then, when others didn't I used to say "what 's wrong with me?" Then I grew up. I don't want them drooling, I want respect. If I need spiritual counsel, after my own hubby(not all can do this, I know), I'll go to the "wife" for help.
At the church we attend, the head pastor has a cop follow him around to hold him "accountable". why?
Because women flock to get "help" from him, and he wants to help, he just needs help to keep it strictly "on the word".
So, there are many reasons why people cheat, it all comes down to , self, like Mark said.
You should always turn "toward" eachother, not away.
If you can't, well divorce is another topic. :blink:
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Galen
CoolWaters -
Not ever having been 'cheated on', nor having ever been a 'cheater' I have no idea of what makes someone do that. I would have to assume that it is likely neglect somewhere.
However I can say that there are circumstances where a spouse does already know that your somebody 'worth' it, but that commonly she simply does not have the libido or sex-drive to care.Not saying that 'love' is not there, but that any drive to have a physical relationship with another human is simply missing in some. I have sought counseling, and I have found that there are others who also have spouses who are wonderful people, but who simply have no drive to ever have a physical relationship with someone else. Sometimes it does not happen until after the honeymoon, and sometimes libido levels seem okay until after a child or two.
I assure you that wining and dining and flowers and holiday trips and special moments, just don't change a person's physical emotional drive levels.
I agree.
Though if a spouse does have some level of libido, and their spouse does not; then no matter what level of effort, money or doctor's visits they go through it is not going to change. None of this justifies 'cheating'.
some of us, do however face the decision of celibacy within marriage, as the only option of maintaining our marriage vows.
I have been very fortunate by having a very devoted wife, and I have had wonderful examples set before me in the form of an uncle who took care of and nursed his invalid wife for a decade before she passed away.
So I do know that celibacy within marriage can and does work. and my wife and I are both dedicated to making it work, even if the physical side of a relationship does not work for us.
After 24 years together with her, I think that perhaps men who do focus entirely on sex, are perhaps a little out of focus in life. Sometimes it does take a lot of effort though, to stay in control of my mind.
Bless you.
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Al Poole
Dang Dot.... why didn't you pose a simpler question like.... "What is the meaning of life?" Jeez...
Now we already know that IF we were TRUELY spiritual then this wouldn't even BE an issue because we would know that "it's just like shaking hands, if you can handle it" (He said tounge in cheek).
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Nottawayfer
How you communicate with your spouse depends on the response you will get. If I am trying to get my husband's attention and I say "Honey, I'm going to bed. I hope you can meet me there." and he is busy, well that just frustrates him. If he's busy and I go in where he's at and start kissing his neck and ask him if he can come and cuddle me or whatever, that works much better. He will always be willing to drop whatever he's doing.
If I didn't realize that my words could frustrate and make my husband feel guilty (like in the first scenario), then I could feel neglected by my own fault. And I could probably justify getting my needs met elsewhere, right or wrong. It's hard to leave a marriage even when you are miserable. If you are not satisfied and can't work things out, it is better to just get a divorce. I did everything wrong the first time. I had thoughts that I wanted to go find someone else just to hurt my ex husband because of his neglect. I could have done better with how worded things to him instead of being bitter and peesed off all the time. I never cheated with husband #1, but I sure wanted to.
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Dot Matrix
Hi Al-
Yea, the simple things in life...Ahhhhh
(BTW, email me I lost your address so I can put it in my record)
So, some think that appearance is a factor -- such as stop caring about the way you look...
That may apply to some, but Halle Barry a beauty had her guy running around, so that can't be all of it.
Maybe if the Guy is so worried about his wife's appearance it isn't about LOVE but about people viewing him as LUCKY to have such a hotty, which would make a person an object....
Such as a guy marries a beauty not because of her heart but her looks, then the first time she is ugly with the flu his feelings may change. So, that would be about the person not marrying for the right reasons...
Which gets back to what Coolwaters said when she said (ineffect) it was about the person doing the cheating, the maturity of that person.
Maybe if they had self worth then they wouldn't blame things like well she was all big and pregnant and it was a turn off...
When one isn't happy in a relationship perhaps one isn't happy with self, and being as most do not want to evaluate SELF they evaluate the spouse and make it THEIR fault they had to cheat....
My friend's husband was mad at her as she gained about 25 pounds over 30 years, but he was also mad she became a successful atty. He wanted her to be cute and cooking at home in his kitchen....
He used this as a reason TO CHEAT...
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Dot Matrix
Just thinking here....
I say "you" not meaning anyone just using it as a pronoun in my thought process..
So, if what you look for in a mate is to have your needs met... rather than finding yourself, then when your mate does not fill your bottomless pit, you begin to look for someone else who might fill you...
So, some marry not for love but for "what you can do for me" "How I feel when I am with you" "If she is pretty, everyone envies ME." If she gains weight "people make fun of ME."
hmmmmm food for thought
BTW, Wayfer Not
I know what you are saying
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excathedra
why do spouses cheat ?
why does the frikkin sun rise ?
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Dot Matrix
We could say "because they do"
But that would be an excuse.
I know wonderful women who were kind, successful and "there" for their spouse and the spouse still cheated.
I thought it was about "sex" but after Halle Barry got cheated on -- it can't be about just looks and sex but maybe a search for something. Or loneliness.
Or couples are together that shoud not be, or people stop talking to each other I dunno.
I do not cheat, but my one friend had a horrible husband who emotionally abandoned her, would not ever schedule alone time, life became all about their kids to him. He told people, he would always side with his kids -- they are forever; wives may not be. She cheated on him for 3 years. If they divorce she gets nothing, and although I do not advocate it, in her shoes I may have done the same thing.
Very lonely union. She tells the daughter you cannot get a thong bathing suit, the father - right in front of the mother- says I'll buy it for you. The spoiled daughter had a fight with the mother, beating the mother on the floor. The daughter grabbed a knife to stab the mother and the father came home, the wife screaming "help me!"
Father walks in and says, "Stop it girls." And walks away.
To me he put the daughter in the position of the equally yoked and the wife was the goat in the back of the truck. She shrank and died. Then a guy came along and told her she was gorgeous and treats her like a queen.... It may be wrong but the whole thing is wrong -- all of it.
So, where does blame lie? Is cheating always wrong?
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Galen
Dot Matrix -
I think that divorce is wrong.
I think that cheating is wrong.
I think that being abusive either physically or emotionally is wrong.
That being said we live on Earth, where many things are done wrong. I think that honestly getting a divorce and moving away from the abusive ex-spouse to start again is a 'far better evil' than staying in some situations.
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Dot Matrix
That sounds right.
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Stayed Too Long
Good explanation.
Most people who do not approve of having multiple sexual partners have been conditioned that way. They feel betrayed and it hurts like hell and can be devastating. However, there are those who are not hurt and get along fine. In countries where multiple spouses are allowed it doesn't seem to be an issue. Even in the Western world "wife swapping" is practiced.
I don't think multiple sexual partners can be out and out condemned. The couple would have to both agree to it for it to work and if they do, more power to them. Who am I to tell them they are wrong.
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pond
I think we live in grace with all the wrong doing, each personmust live with what he can.
I know some marriages that want the adultery to make the job easier and they do no have to do it.
me? I do not get alot of what marriage is anyway. to old to learn now.
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Galen
I also have known a few polygamists. But that is not 'cheating', that is done by agreement and contract. Decent and in order. And as such it is fully biblical.
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Stayed Too Long
The bible allows most sexual acts between a man and a woman including incest. Don't know if it is a real good reference as to what is right in this area.
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J0nny Ling0
I think men cheat because they get horny and want sex. Different sex. And I know some women who have cheated, and it was because they were horny and wanted sex. Different sex.
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Nottawayfer
"Different sex". Johnny, do you mean they want sex with someone other than their wife? Or does different mean something considered out of the norm than they usually do?
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Kit Sober
OK Galen and Stayed Too Long, I'll bite. . . . What Scripture supports this? ? ?
Are you saying that just because it happened in the Bible it's Biblical?
What about , "..let every man have his own wife and let every woman have her own husband?"
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Stayed Too Long
There is an account of some guy's daughters getting him drunk to have sex with them, and there was no condemnation of the women by God. The Kings in the bible had concubines and were not held accountable by God. God did get upset with David once but only because he had the concubine's husband killed first. In Timothy a leader is told to be the husband of one wife, which indicates it was available to have more than one wife.
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