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I have a tough decision


Psalm 71 one
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I've some added thoughts now that you've posted this most recent information.

1. Be ware of the woman who won't communicate, who 'runs' when times are tough for another, such as when you needed help after your surgery.

2. When your husband isn't working, they seperate themselves from you? How is that honest? How is that good to teach kids?

3. It doesn't sound to me like communication between the adults is happening much at all and that is a huge recipe for disaster, eventually.

Kelly went to stay with a friend of mine in February, got stuck there in a blizzard, has a B L A S T !!! When she was finally able to get home, she cried, wanted to go back, it was a very tough moment for both of us.

At this friends house, she didn't have to do chores, didn't have to have a bedtime, didn't have to do a damn thing. Of course when she got home, there was chores and homework and mom.

The material things they might offer your son are all good and well, I get that. But the lack of communication from the adults is the damage in the making.

And the teenager in the house with dad and the two clashing, that I understand too. You said you have to change some things and I'd agree and know it's very very very hard.

As I've stated, the dilemma as to why this decision was considered in our house was 'cuz of teenage stuff and a 'break', and it would have been wonderful for awhile. But long term, no, which is why she stayed home.

It's tough to parent and sometimes painful, we know that. And what about when Ben is this age?

Some of our questions are tough for you, I'd imagine. But it bears consideration and the thoughtful, careful time you're putting into it now.

But the poor communication with them worries me in a huge way....................

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I don't know you and this is certainly a big and difficult decision.

One thing I do know...I wouldn't want my kids to learn to avoid friends and loved ones in their troubled times. Reminds me too much of TWI, kick-em-while-they're-down-because-of-their-bad-believing. I'd rather they learned to show compassion and empathy, and used some elbow grease to help out.

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I think father-son clashes are not unusual...we have them here in our house. I have to coach son on how to deal with dad sometimes. But I think He was intended to be his father as much as you his mother.

I think it sounds like Mom and Dad may need to figure things out, but if you figure all this out and then just announce to dad--where does that put you in regards to dad...

Money shmuny---that stuff should not be an influence. Deferred gratification is one of the great strengtheners...read "Emotional Intelligence" by whatshisname.

talk soon

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<B>I think father-son clashes are not unusual...we have them here in our house. </B> I have to coach son on how to deal with dad sometimes. But I think He was intended to be his father as much as you his mother.

I think it sounds like Mom and Dad may need to figure things out, but if you figure all this out and then just announce to dad--where does that put you in regards to dad...

Actually, father and adolescent son clashes are normal and actually healthy, despite anything we may have heard in TWI. A boy has to "test the waters" for adulthood and develop his own autonomy in his growth to manhood.

It's just part of growing up. To deny the boy this interaction with his father would do a great disservice to the boy and set him up for failure in later life.

Money shmuny---that stuff should not be an influence. Deferred gratification is one of the great strengtheners...read "Emotional Intelligence" by whatshisname.

talk soon

I couldn't agree more, WW!!!!!

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Reading back over your posts, I get the impression that this man was a teacher in a small Christian school for TWO YEARS? That is hardly getting started. Mr. Garden's first year where he teaches now, it seemed he sent kids to the office every week. This year, his fifth, he's maybe sent three the whole year. He knows how to handle the little darlins.

And I agree that father-son clashes are pretty much the rule during this time in the young man's life.

I haven't had a chance to talk to Mr. Garden. He is in something of a unique position because the school system where he teaches is somewhat small and "country" but really really really good.

I would definitely hash out some stuff with these friends, though. How are they going to handle it if Isaac's dyslexia, which they say doesn't exist, gives him challenges in some areas. It can be a real bytch, as I'm sure you realize, for a kid of any age to get grief about being stupid or inferior because of something he can't help. Ask my five-year-old grandson whose mother is too lazy to take him for speech therapy! (But that's another story).

I think Isaac is truly fortunate to have you for a mom! And I know you will make the right decision.

I'll try to chat with Mr. Garden this weekend about your dilemma. We are both working two jobs right now so kind of say Hi - Bye on weekdays.

WG

Edited by Watered Garden
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I'm just running out of the house, and have only been able to read the first few "setting up the situation" posts. These suggestions are not sequential, and I certainly don't mean that all of them should be (or even could be!) implemented at the same time. But any one of them alone might fit (or might not; only you will know). But if I may, please allow me to mention the following points:

1) have your child tested for dyslexia. In most places, even if the child is homeschooled, the school district in which the child resides is responsible to test for suspected learning disabilities. If there are suspected disabilities, it's free to get them tested in schoool, but much more expensive if you have to have it done privately (for college, for instance). Students with dyslexia do not generally do well in college unless they are protected by I.E.P.'s that prescribe, for instance, more time for tests, a note-taker in class, or audio recordings of textbooks. (Just wait until his first week of college, when he has to read five and six chapters a night.) If the tests show dyslexia, your teacher friend will have to admit that the child has it. Should your son's testing show a diagnosis of dyslexia, and your friend still not acknowledge it, this will help you decide whether you want that person to teach your son, no matter how nice he is.

2) Consider a move to the town where the person lives. If your husband isn't working, and you're homeschooling, there may be a better set of opportunities in the new town, but regardless, your son could still live with you while being taught by your friend.

3) get your husband to an employment counsellor. Many state employment offices provide this service. Inertia is a dangerous thing, and could keep him out of the workforce longer than he needs to be.

4) don't be so down on yourself. People don't have to know everything to homeschool their children; that's what the homeschool computer programs are for. I'm concerned that this potential teacher thinks that he knows more than the thousands of educators and physicians who do believe that dyslexia exists. If he's made you feel inferior, don't let him. I'm concerned that he seems to be pressuring you.

5) consider a good, local public school. They have dedicated teachers who really want to make a difference.

6) if this is all really about your friend being concerned about your sons being brought up in an unhealthy situation, consider whether he is right or wrong, and take action, if necessary.

Good luck with this; it's a hard decision. Only you will know which path is the right choice.

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Psalmie, the more I read on this the more it seems that he ought to stay with you. The stuff you posted about your friends not wanting to be there when you were in need because they didn't know what to do is worrying. What your son can learn from YOU, in compassion and looking out for people, will open doors for him in the workplace that education cannot. (Not that I'm saying an education isn't important.) There are lots of other educational opportunities for homeschooled kids that regular schooling cannot cover and they could give him a unique perspective/skills list if suitably tailored.

And Dads'n'Lads time or therapy/mediation is a good idea too. What are Dad's unique or special skills to teach his son?

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I've read what you all have said. and want to comment, plan on commenting. I can't right now.

I do know with all the prayer and soul-searching I've been doing this week, the loudest i keep hearing is, Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from the Lord. . .

I BEGGED for this child, I pleaded for this child, I ORDERED God to give me this child (waybrain). I did all sorts of things to help God give me this child. I lost several before I had him. I finally got quiet and accepted that maybe I wasn't gonna have any children. That was when God gave him to me. This gift-- this wonderful gift of laughter we called Isaac. He's a gift God gave to US. Both of us! Weakneses, mistakes and all.

People certainly have every right to give a gift that was given to them, to someone else to hold or keep for awhile. But if it's a gift THIS precious, I better make darned sure that those who hold this gift are fully trustworthy!

The woman was telling me i had to do what is best for Isaac. Well, her opinion of what that is and mine might not be the same!

(I know, duh, but i am too quick to second guess my own self)

I'll be back, and I am so thankful to all of you for your observations and prayers!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have to apologize for not getting back here to let you know what we decided.

The long and short of it is, we are NOT sending Isaac to the friends. I called the woman to tell her no, and while I was at it, I told her she had overstepped my boundaries in making that offer as well as other things she "suggested" (pushed). To her credit, she apologized and expressed concern that I would walk away from a five-year friendship. The suggestion was her husbands, and she wouldn't have been able to let her son go either. As for the friendship, I'm torn. Yeah, we were friends for 5 years so i don't want to let that go either. BUT just how healthy was that friendship? I'm wary now. They invited us to their home for memorial day. My hubby and I are a bit aprehensive, but we will go. We're also ready to cut and run if necessary!

As for Isaac going for any long weekends again, we're not going to let that happen for awhile.

This whole thing has stirred up a can of worms with my hubby and myself. It has been a tough few weeks, but I think it's a good thing--it's the only place to be if we're gonna work some things out. I don't want to get into that here, but prayer would be a great thing for now! If ya tell me we oughta be going for counselling, well, yeah I totally agree, but my hubby still won't go. But at least we ARE talking--the lid is off the can of worms! That's hard, but I know it's a real good thing.

BTW, my hubby finally has a job-- at the local grocery store--it's physically hard labor (lots of heavy lifting) and he's 56. It'll pay a few bills. He hates it, but he's faithfully staying with it, and I thank him frequently!! Ben and I give him foot rubs and backrubs! LOL! We still need him to find something that pays better or we will eventually lose our house. (The mortgage company IS working with us, so that is good). I have a part time job, too. It's working for a friend, doing some online reseach for her--and then i have to type stuff up. I'm real slow at typing, so the pay per hour isn't real good, but it's something! I'll probably get something more when we are done with school for the summer, but this is good for now! Thanks for all the prayers about the job situation!

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Sheesh! You say 56 like it's old or something!

:biglaugh:

I'll bet that once he gets back into the swing of working, the physical part will seem less and less demanding.

Times are tough right now. Any work is better than no work if you have no other revenue. It sounds like wheels are turning on the other matter, too. Always good to have at least some kind of movement or the train will rust itself to the tracks.

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Hey Psalmie

I think you made a wise choice there. Take along plenty of pies for the weekend if all goes well you can eat them, if you need to cut and run, they'll provide great cover. If ya need any backup just yell and Mr. Feathers will send Dove Force One down for a flyover, cause I know how inept those little pigs of your are. :biglaugh:

PS since you'll be gone I reckon that means no one will be guarding the house,, he,he,he maybe some surprise remodeling for the house while you're away. Maybe a new coat of paint even......... And it looks like ya need some more Kudzu vines, I'll plant a few hundred for Ya.

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Hi Psalmie,your majesty :), and I hope new friend,

I hope you and your husband worked it out o.k. with your friends.

I know how it feels to realize that a long term relationship maybe wasn't what I thought it was. And let me add that I hope that this is not what happened to you. I'm just waiting for some news.

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That darn Feathers feller planted kudzu all over our property! It took me all this time to hack through it! I lost one of the dogs for three days! Every time I stopped to rest, it grew back 10 feet! SHEESH! I think I got it all, though, and I'm gonna tar and feather :blink: him!

Anyway, thank you all for the encouragement! Ron, you're funny!!

Jeff, YES! new friend! Be careful though! I do surprise flyovers! :biglaugh:

My hubby IS getting into the swing of the job better. He still hates it, he's been used to a sales job, and he happens to be in the most physically demanding location of the store-- the dairy dept-- heavy stuff. He's lost a lot of weight and is thankful for that!

The visit to the friends' house was good. My hubby and I were pretty nervous about going, and he almost backed out--10 min before we were supposed to leave. The boys were out waiting in the car and we were both inside with him going back and forth about going. I couldn't make that decision for him. He finally decided he was going (20 min after i wanted to leave! ARRRGGHH!) But it was a good thing he went-- I think the visit wouldn't have gone as well if he'd stayed home again.

There were a lot of other folks there, but he got a chance to talk a bit with the man. They didn't really discuss the "school issue", but it's like the pressure is off. Our two families have been friends for 5 years, and it seems the friendship is still there, but there is an aloofness, or something there with all of the adults. The kids are all friendship as always. This family has moved on, it seems. They have made a lot of new friends in a homeschool group, and they are doing all sorts of things with them.

Wanna hear something stupid? I'm jealous of the new friends. We were once--according to the woman in this couple, "so valuable of friends" and they were so glad we'd remained their friend all these years. (That was last year, when we'd been friends 4 yrs) How's that go, how the mighty have fallen? er sompin? And in the phone call I had made to her, she stated that she hoped this incident wouldn't ruin our friendship. I agreed, and yet I am sorta on guard. But when I felt the "on guard" back from them, and they are making new friends, and feeling like we might be replaced, I was jealous! I know, I'm weird! LOL!

We have been invited back and we will be going, I guess it's just going to take some time to rebuild the friendship and keep well-defined boundaries. Why does life have to be so complicated? LOL!

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Just for the record...

Kudzu roots grow up to 6 feet deep making it almost impossible to eradicate.

I have a friend who put a few cuttings in to to augment his pasture for goats...maybe 3 or 4 cuttings about 15 years ago. The place is covered, now.

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