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censoring yourself


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Random memory crossed my mind this morning. When we were in the Way Corps training, we were expected to keep a diary.

You know, a place where you record your most personal thoughts? A place to record your experiences, perhaps for posterity, perhaps for catharsis. But even in our diaries, we were instructed to "keep it positive". Never record anything negative in your diary, just the "blessings". It was even stated openly that a diary could be subpoenaed and presented as evidence in a court of law. We had such a persecution complex in The Way it was easy to view this as protection from outsiders. It occurs to me in hindsight that this was more in the interest of The Way International to prevent us from recording things that could be used against them.

They had us censoring ourselves all the time, even in our journals.

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Censoring yourself is right. Makes a person wonder how all the different layers of keeping it "positive" affect a person psychologically over the years. The way international's law of believing garbage twists a person badly enough because you wouldn't want to make a negative confession. So many times I have seen people approach situations they were involved and go straight into denial that they were facing something serious. Even Abraham considered carefully what God said concerning his promises - that Abraham was 100 years old, and the deadness of Sarah's womb. Of course that is taught like he ignored the facts.

The lawsuit angle is interesting. I really think Rozilla, and her lawyers have spent the last 10 years or so trying to make the way international bullet proof to another lawsuit. Not that they have stopped illegal activity, just want to be able to stand up in court beyond a reasonable doubt. It all seems so sleeze-ball. On the other hand if you aren't littered with questionable practices would really be anything to worry about?

Anyhoo, time to go write in my journal...

Dear Journal,

Today was just prevailing...

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The internal twi censor (picture a mini-rosie sitting on your shoulder telling you what to do and what not to do - shudder!) keeps people in bondage to twi, it gets them so messed up that they can't even be honest with themselves even at the thought level. Any time they have a negative thought they stop themselves, repeat a retemory or SIT, and boom! Bad thought gone. I think this is psychological conditioning at it's most base form. May as well have electrodes hooked up to your skull, and every time you have a thought you shock yourself.

Not that memorizing verses or praying is a bad thing - it's not... but if you don't allow yourself to have the negative emotions, or the negative thoughts, how can you really know what you are thinking? Let's face it, there are negative things out there. If you just recite a verse at it and put your blinders on, it does not go away - maybe your thoughts do, maybe the uncomfortable feeling goes away for a little while, but the negative is still there.

Thinking evil is not the same thing as noticing that something is not right.

I was once told that since what you believe is what you receive, I should endeavor to never have any negative thoughts about anyone - because it would cause them to be negative towards me. Now, how does that work? Does my believing override theirs? Do my thoughts control them?

Hmmmmmmm......... probably not.

(btw, I flicked that mini-HOGFODAT off my shoulder a long time ago - she was so annoying!)

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All the students at IHOP (Int. House of Prayer) have to keep journals......

and TURN THEM IN EVERY WEEK!

((((((((((((((((((((((((eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*and they are encouraged to be real about ALL their negative thoughts and problems.

(((((((((((((((((((((((shudder)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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I was once told that since what you believe is what you receive, I should endeavor to never have any negative thoughts about anyone - because it would cause them to be negative towards me. Now, how does that work? Does my believing override theirs? Do my thoughts control them?

Now jane, please refrain from using common sense when it comes to all things wayfer. :biglaugh:

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That place makes me think of what the Way must have been like circa 1971. Really got the young people sucked into the so called Emergent Church.

All the students at IHOP (Int. House of Prayer) have to keep journals......

and TURN THEM IN EVERY WEEK!

((((((((((((((((((((((((eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

*and they are encouraged to be real about ALL their negative thoughts and problems.

(((((((((((((((((((((((shudder)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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The internal twi censor (picture a mini-rosie sitting on your shoulder telling you what to do and what not to do ...

...

(btw, I flicked that mini-HOGFODAT off my shoulder a long time ago - she was so annoying!)

Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I love it! you have a wonderful way with words JavaJane!

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When I was in the process of leaving TWI, I was flooded with thoughts that I was allowing myself the think. I would think a thought and then another thought, like hearing LCM yelling, would come to counteract it. I put a lines down the middle of pieces of paper and put my thought on one side, and then the TWI (ie Craig yelling) thought on the opposite side. Back and forth.

Eventually I was able to just think my thoughts, good and bad.

It's pretty bad when you can't even think your own thoughts....

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Dear FLO diary

5am--. I just rinsed the mung bean sprouts and set 6 places at the kitchen table for our house's breakfast. I forgot to soak the wheat berries overnight. Maybe I could soak them for about a half hour and no one will notice they taste like tiny rubber ball bearings. I guess I could substitute some familia from the staples cupboard but if someone should happen to mention it to the wrong person I'll get called on the carpet. Hah! Figured it out! I'll stick the apples in the freezer for a 1/2 hour. That way, everyone will be so taken with their crispness, they won't notice the wheat berries. Gotta get the coffee started so it will be ready when everyone gets up. Man, this "stretching the coffee" sure was a good idea.

5:20--- Time to head for the coordinators basement for morning fellowship. It doesn't start until 5:30 but this way I can stake out a choice spot to sit cross-legged on the cold concrete floor. Heck, I can even catch a short nap and pretend I'm doing my lift list.

5:30--"Someone speak in tongues and----- :sleep1: "

5:45am--What?? The meeting's over? What did I miss? Oh well, let's all run to the big tree and back. We don't really have to concern ourselves with the safety of running down a pitch black country road. Our believing will cover us. Hey! The cows in the pasture next to the road are running with us! It's a sign from Gawd! Not sure what it means. Must mean something, though. It's spiritual, I'm sure.

6:00am--Time to start the shower rotation. We all need to get our showers and head for our jobs. I think I can make it to my job, 20 miles away, in the big city, by 7:30 if I can maintain a constant speed of 85 mph. Piece of cake as long as I don't blow a tire. Oh, my God! I just confessed a negative. SIT much---SIT much---SIT much.

7:30am-4:00pm--Work as unto the Lord at secular job. Be sure to say "God Bless You" to everyone several times throughout day. Look for open doors to witness. Oh, crap! I forgot my green cards back at the house! I'll have some 'splainin' to do if anyone notices I left them on the kitchen table.

4:00pm--Jump in car and head back to FLO houses. Trip back is much slower due to traffic. Can I afford to stop and get some gas?

5:00pm--Here I am, back at the FLO houses. Gotta get cleaned up and help the dinner guy get the evening meal and place settings packed and ready to go to Limb HQ.

5:45--We're pulling into the limb parking lot. Ought to be plenty of time to set our table and grab a quick smoke before 6;00pm mealtime

6:30pm---Dinner is over. That wilted mustard green salad with homemade celery seed dressing and a hard boiled egg really hit the spot after a long day in the hot factory.

6:45--Tables are cleared, chairs and tables are all folded and stacked neatly and in order. Tonight we have a special work assignment. We're going to destroy all the mimeograph plates for the state newsletter mailing list. That's just in case "they" should catch on to us. No proof of membership. After that, we're gonna clean the crappers and mop some floors. The floor drains backed up again 'cause the septic system needs repair. It don't smell like petunias, that's for sure.

9:00pm--Everyone stop working and assemble in group. Crew leaders report on progress made.

9:15--Leave for "houses". 30 minutes away.

9:45--Race into truck stop along the way to pick up smokes. Hey! Can somebody lend me a buck for smokes?

10:00pm--Meet in night twigs until 10:30. It sure is good to hear those teachings from "The Blue Book" being repeated night after night. I'm really blessed.

10:30-- Gotta get those dinner dishes cleaned and start soaking tomorrow's oat groats. Rinse mung bean sprouts again. Hey! Who forgot to rinse them on the last shift? They look pretty funky.

11:00pm--Sneak down to truck stop for one on one conversation with other FLO. We'll just say we're going over there for Moon Pies or something. Call it a "junk run" or something.

12:00 midnight--Lights out--no talking--try to sleep whether you're tired or not.

Edited by waysider
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Dear FLO diary

It sure is exciting to realize we're living a lifestyle that's just like the believers in Acts lived in the first century. I wonder if they had a food co-op or utility fund.

Edited by waysider
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When I was in the process of leaving TWI, I was flooded with thoughts that I was allowing myself the think. I would think a thought and then another thought, like hearing LCM yelling, would come to counteract it. I put a lines down the middle of pieces of paper and put my thought on one side, and then the TWI (ie Craig yelling) thought on the opposite side. Back and forth.

Eventually I was able to just think my thoughts, good and bad.

It's pretty bad when you can't even think your own thoughts....

Wow. That was a great idea to help you get that stuff out of your brain! Amazing.

OMG, waysider. That's right up there with a way disciple / in-residence day. Maybe a little suckier, maybe a lot suckier.

Our WD food was way more tasty, though less healthy - ham sandwiches and nacho cheese Doritos almost every night.

Hahahahahahahahaha!!! I love it! you have a wonderful way with words JavaJane!

Thanks, Gen!!

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waysider inspired me to do an in-rez diary version:

5:30am - wake up, coffee, read Bible. I am not a morning person. I am not waysider. Please don't talk to me. Try to work on spiritual partner letter. All I can write is "I.....am....still.......sleeepy......."

6:00am - morning run - CP#3. A couple miles has the "potential" to actually wake me up. Maybe.

6:30am - shower, shave, etc.

6:59:59am - Travel through entry doors to breakfast. The second hand on the clock knows me. I am not late to breakfast. Breakfast sucks. Warm gruel again. No coffee.

7:15am - Someone at breakfast table is presenting a teaching on their early morning studies. Trying to resist the urge to slam their face into their gruel. It's not good to have anger issues this early in the morning.

7:45am - "wah, wah wah wah wah" - what I picked up from Corps coordinator's comments at end of breakfast. High amount of words, low amount of meaningful content.

8:00am - off to work program. Oh joy. What will it be today? Peeling potatoes? Or scrubbing toilets? But before working, I apparently need to hear another teaching as the two at breakfast have not sufficed. What do I need to hear today before working? Yes, Obedience. How it equals believing. How doing exactly what you are told is obedience, and believing. How doing more than you are told is disobedience and unbelief. We cannot have any free thought involved with working. That would be wrong. That would be insubordination. That would show up on my job evaluation review. That would require a one on one teaching from my Corps coordinator.

12:00 - 1:30 - Lunchtime - the one decent meal a day - looking for a table with a family with a bunch of kids so I can take advantage of seconds.

1:45 - 5:00 - study time. I get to a) go over the STS again - as if it wasn't boring enough the first time. b) Blue book - the dead horse isn't quite dead enough yet, apparently c) study the FNC again - because justifying some of those leaps of logic really require some intense effort. Kind of like learning how to dance. Around topics. d) Research Corps Night notes. All of those options sux0rs. I know, I'll study something I'm actually interested in. And on my study time report, I'll tell them what they want to hear. This way I can avoid another lecture.

Note: morning and afternoon vary, switch, involve classes, sometimes full day workdays on a project where it's a little more fun than the routine drivel, etc.

5:00pm - supper time. Note that it's not lunch and dinner, it's dinner and supper. Why? Because in the midwest po-dunk hicksville German culture, that's what it's called. And so therefore is an unwritten rule at all location areas. Because we must learn not only to imitate the VP's study and teaching habits, we also must live in an environment where culture and personal habits conform.

5:45pm - dishroom / dining room duty. Oh joy. And I'm paying to be here!!!

7:00pm - no time to change - class starts. We are taking the FNC - AGAIN! Because the 82 times I already took it on the field it didn't quite sink in. Nevermind the fact that people are already imitating all the stupid little phrases and expressions like little dumb@$$ yorkshire terriers. "Thot's roight!!!!" I'm sure there's some underlying great fantastic life changing truth that will come out of it this time. Boy, did you recognize the principle of "scripture buildup" in the 4 crucified teaching? I did. Aren't I spiritual?

10pm - aftermeeting - a bunch of people in a room. a few attention wh0r3s. a microphone. what - could - possibly - be - better - than - this? I know - an elbow shot to the ribs when someone's hand goes up.

11:15 - ish - bedtime, re-arranging clothes, writing more spiritual partner letters until fall asleep. waiting for the next glorious day.

NOTE: you know, I really need to work on this censorship stuff. I mean what if like, my Corps coordinator snuck in my room and read through my journal or something? They wouldn't do that, would they? After all they just walk by revelation. Nobody ever spies on people around here or anything. I mean the k1ss - @$$ sneaking out of the Corps coordinator's residence trying to exchange the dirt for a one-up assignment at graduation is just motivated by the love of God, right?

Edited by chockfull
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Mr. Garden, a jolly independent sort, never fell for the wheat berries and familia breakfast crap. He used his own money to buy the real stuff - bacon, sausage, eggs, pancake mix, whatever HE thought was a breakfast. The women's apartment where I resided was more like Waysider's experience. I don't even think we had coffee.

When Mr. Garden graduated from FLO and moved on to real life, the coordinators of the food program, called appropriately, Manna (means "what is it?") were horrified to find several large bags of familia stashed here and there in the kitchen.

When he shared this with me after we were married, I was horrified - no wonder he was cheerful in the mornings!

WG

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Eeeks! Chcokfull, what year were you in-residentured way corps? I gotta tell you - I was in around 2000 to 2002 or so and except a couple of time slot changes that is EXACTLY what is was like.

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nono5.gif OldSkool, we are talking about a group who does the same thing at every STS, every class, every fellowship, with NO CHANGES EVER.... DId you really think the WC program would EVOLVE??

(It is a NEW DYNAMIC CHURCH?? REALLY?)

And on a side note, have I expressed how very very thankful I am that I never went into the WC?? dance.gif

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nono5.gif OldSkool, we are talking about a group who does the same thing at every STS, every class, every fellowship, with NO CHANGES EVER.... DId you really think the WC program would EVOLVE??

(It is a NEW DYNAMIC CHURCH?? REALLY?)

It was emphasized to us that the program had changed, but from what to what and when was never stated. Perhaps this is for another thread. I would be interested in getting info from folks and working a very loose time line to document the changes. I understand that years ago there were way more classes and actually some educated people teaching.

And on a side note, have I expressed how very very thankful I am that I never went into the WC?? dance.gif

Thank God, praise Jesus, rub Buddha's belly, knock on wood, count your lucky stars, or whatever else you may want to do to express your thankfulness!

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It was emphasized to us that the program had changed, but from what to what and when was never stated. Perhaps this is for another thread. I would be interested in getting info from folks and working a very loose time line to document the changes. I understand that years ago there were way more classes and actually some educated people teaching.

Thank God, praise Jesus, rub Buddha's belly, knock on wood, count your lucky stars, or whatever else you may want to do to express your thankfulness!

Oh but it has changed, there are fewer people in it.

Posting on GSC works too

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Dear FLO diary

9:30---Well, work detail is over for the evening. If I put the pedal to the metal, I can swing into the truck stop to pick up some moon pies and ciggies before night fellowship starts at 10.00pm. Wife got asked to stay at HQ to clean the limb leader's house. Poor guy. His wife is out of town on ministry business and his days are so consumed with working the word, he scarcely has any time to do any house cleaning. I know it must really bless her, though, 'cause last time she was called on, she came home in the wee hours of the morning with a really contented smile on her face. I sure am learning a bunch about the first century church here.

Edited by waysider
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When I was in the process of leaving TWI, I was flooded with thoughts that I was allowing myself the think. I would think a thought and then another thought, like hearing LCM yelling, would come to counteract it. I put a lines down the middle of pieces of paper and put my thought on one side, and then the TWI (ie Craig yelling) thought on the opposite side. Back and forth.

Eventually I was able to just think my thoughts, good and bad.

It's pretty bad when you can't even think your own thoughts....

That's a pretty interesting technique! Did you come up with that yourself? When you say "eventually", how long was that generally, days, months, years?

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