Don't wait until it's too late

[Shellon]

What if we are unkind to another and never get a chance to say we’re sorry, never get another moment with them, never get to repair damage done to a broken spirit, a broken heart.

Blows to ones person bruise and cut and linger until they disappear, albeit not forgotten. What about blows to one’s emotional well being, verbal damage that lives in another’s memory often longer than a physical hit? Maybe a lifetime.

Suppose we say ugly things to someone we love and we never get a chance to repair that, never get a chance to apologize or explain.

In our world too often we forget to notice the good, we sometimes forget to look at the behind the scenes information. If you’re in an ugly mood and snip at me, doesn’t it behoove me to consider that it might not be me at all? Maybe you’ve had an awful day, maybe you’ve got things going on in your life that are laying heavy and you took it out on me. Maybe the boss chewed your hide and I happened across your path.

Why can I not ask you something like “hey you ok?” and invite you to share what is really going on?

How many of us have said or done something unkind or outright ugly to another human being? Who among us has severed a friendship and allowed the estrangement to go on and on, into months and years, then heard one tragic day that the other person is dead?

The grieving is for the living, the sense of tremendous loss and pain is suffered by those that loved and now remain. Then it’s made greater because we must address the reality that the last thing we said to them was of an unkind content, or we never told them we loved and appreciated them.

Are we so stubborn as to not be unwilling to be first with “I’m sorry”? Consider the loss of laughter, or life shared, of memories being missed. We don’t get to celebrate others’ victories, or comfort them in their losses, we miss out on lessons they might teach us, or experience they might share that could enrich our own lives.

Because of biting words spoken or hurtful things done that neither have the courage to address and try to understand.

We’re all human beings, we all say and do things that are going to hurt another; it’s reality, it’s this life. Be the first to deal with it, be the bigger person, extend a forgiving hand and heart, and then really listen.

Don’t find yourself wishing you had and knowing you’ll never get the chance.

[ex70sHouston]

Yes extend the helping hand and forgive.

Yes then do it again. O lets do it again.

Love is grand until a persons hate, bitterness, whatever drives you into the ground.

Sorry but today I just don't feel like being the forgiving type.

[Abigail]

Very well said, Shellon! I was sharing with someone yesterday a bit about the death of my mom.

My mom was not a happy person. She was angry and miserable and often directed that anger and misery at those closest to her, her children. She and I were not close.

However, at some point after she became sick and before the cancer had destroyed her brain, she dictated letters to a friend, for all three of us kids. Mine was the last one she wrote and she never did finish it. In it, she told me for probably the first time in my l life that she was proud of me.

Now you may think "awww, how wonderful she said that" and to some extent that is true. On the other hand, it really really angered me that she literally had to die before she could 'utter those words.'

Don't wait until it is too late!!!! that is huge!!!!!

[WordWolf]

Sometimes it costs very little- just overcoming reluctance to step outside your comfort zone-

to make a small gesture which makes a large difference to the person you made it to.

[act2]

On my way home from the shop, I stopped by to see my 84-year-old dad. I never know what frame of mind he will be in, but nevertheless, I stop by. Sometimes I hold my tongue and just smile and agree with him, though inside I am not smiling. My arguing days with him are over. I told him I was selling my 'way stuff' on ebay and he told me that I should BURN IT!!! I shouldn't lead anyone astray. I told him that the ones buying some things are already led astray and if he wanted to give me $650.00, I wouldn't sell anymore!!! He kinda smiled, but didn't offer me any money!!!

I want the last words that I say to him to be "Dad, I love you", which is what I told him before I left.

He is my dad and no matter what, I love him.

My mom, well, I love her and tell her ALL THE TIME. We have a super relationship.

Thanks for those encouraging words, Shellon. They are so true.

[George Aar]

I've been trying to think of some nasty remark I really regret making, but, I can't.

I guess I'd need some imput from somebody who's been the recipient to figure out what I might have said to really pi$$ somebody off. And I don't get much of that anymore. Hell, I don't get ANY anymore.

I did manage to give my mother a hug yesterday, though. First time in my life that I can recall. Maybe that's somethin', huh?

[Abigail]

(((George)))

Really, this was a very timely thread for me. Next week is the Jewish New Year, followed by the 10 days of introspection and then Yom Kippur. It is good for me to think on these things :)

Edited September 8, 2007 by Abigail

[What The Hey]

Perhaps we also know of people who apparently have a lot of problems and trouble with speaking to you directly face-to-face, but they seem to have no difficulty whatsoever talking to others about you behind your back. How does one begin to reconcile a broken relationship with them - or is that even possible?

[rascal]

*I`m sorry* is an excellent way to begin wth.

[ciythog]

I don't post very often, but... this thread makes me want to share something that I will forever carry with me...

The last 4-5 years of my mom's life we didn't see eye to eye on very many things... and I went from the daughter that faithfully (if not religiously) called my mom weekly (because that was the way she brought me up)... to calling her maybe 3 times a year... about a month before she passed I received a call from my oldest sibling telling me that mom was in ICU... they didn't know if she was going to live or die... and they didn't know how long she had to live...

Needless to say I called my full time job and told them I was hopping a plane to the state that she lived in... I also had a part time job and told the owner what I was doing and he told me he didn't need me any more... I spent 2 1/2 weeks sitting next to her hospital bed talking about absolutely nothing of importance... during those talks there was so much forgiveness & healing in my heart... that when I got on the plane to come back home ... I was at peace within my heart concerning our mother/daughter relationship...

Fast forward 11 days... I was at work and my mom was heavy on my heart... so I called her... just to tell her that I was thinking about her... she told me that she was tired... I told her that I'd let her go and that I'd talk to her again soon... and that I loved her... 2 hours later I received a call that she had passed away... I am so glad I got to tell her those 3 words... and they were the last three words she heard from any of her children...

[Rocky]

I don't post very often, but... this thread makes me want to share something that I will forever carry with me...

The last 4-5 years of my mom's life we didn't see eye to eye on very many things... and I went from the daughter that faithfully (if not religiously) called my mom weekly (because that was the way she brought me up)... to calling her maybe 3 times a year... about a month before she passed I received a call from my oldest sibling telling me that mom was in ICU... they didn't know if she was going to live or die... and they didn't know how long she had to live...

Needless to say I called my full time job and told them I was hopping a plane to the state that she lived in... I also had a part time job and told the owner what I was doing and he told me he didn't need me any more... I spent 2 1/2 weeks sitting next to her hospital bed talking about absolutely nothing of importance... during those talks there was so much forgiveness & healing in my heart... that when I got on the plane to come back home ... I was at peace within my heart concerning our mother/daughter relationship...

Fast forward 11 days... I was at work and my mom was heavy on my heart... so I called her... just to tell her that I was thinking about her... she told me that she was tired... I told her that I'd let her go and that I'd talk to her again soon... and that I loved her... 2 hours later I received a call that she had passed away... I am so glad I got to tell her those 3 words... and they were the last three words she heard from any of her children...

That was a wonderful gift you gave to your mother AND to yourself. Thanks for sharing it.

I imagine many of us that were involved with twi in the 1970s and 1980s have parents aging rapidly (hah, as if WE aren't?). Right now, my mother's still alive and kickin, being to ornery to die. (She and I talk every couple of weeks) My dad passed away 10 years and 6 months ago. Even though he and I were not estranged from each other, I wish I had had the opportunity to tell him I loved him just before he passed. I heard from my stepmother the day before, but I apparently got a wrong number for the hospital and tried all night but couldn't reach anyone in ICU where he died.

[doojable]

Perhaps we also know of people who apparently have a lot of problems and trouble with speaking to you directly face-to-face, but they seem to have no difficulty whatsoever talking to others about you behind your back. How does one begin to reconcile a broken relationship with them - or is that even possible?

Depends on the situation WTH. Some folks can't seem to think of something to say because of their own anger. Others still feel like you don't like them. I've known many a person in this second category. They believe you don't like them so they are uncomfortable around you, then they talk about how uncomfortable they are and how much you hate them.

It never really has anything to do with how you feel - because they haven't asked. It's really how they believe you feel - and that seems to take precedence in their minds.

To reconcile you have to make the first move. Sometimes you need to obviate a bit and anticipate how they feel - hopefully a simple question asked in honesty will get the ball rolling.

[Lifted Up]

The examples I have seen here have been about people dealing with each other live, much of it family. That seems reasonable, especially since our most important relationships...and the ones that have the most to lose from not communicating...are with them. Accepting that, though, I wonder how much of Shell's inital post can apply to our cyber relationships; I mean, between people we dont otherwise know about other than their posts?

[krys]

WTH - sometimes a broken relationship can't be repaired...or at least not now. in my life, I have one of these.

For the time being, I have just suspended him and the embaroiled arguement and parked it someplace where it will do me no further damage, and I don't bother to contact him anymore.In my opinion it's wrong to give up on somebody UNLESS their actoins and words start attacking your family. You can make all the overtures you want, but some people will never change no matter what. If this grinds on you and your family, you have no choice but to walk away and leave them alone.

I found it very very hard to do, but it was absolutely necessary. I pray yoour situation is better than mine was.

[Larry N Moore]

A few years ago, my daughter (out of anger) had both myself and wife arrested on a charge of domestic violence. In this state, at least, the police have to arrest you whenever such a charge is made.

So both myself and my wife were taken to jail (on a Friday evening) and were told if we couldn't post bond by 11:00 PM we would have to spend the weekend in jail. We managed to post bail. I can't imagine having to spend the weekend there.

Anyways, when we got home and had a family "meeting" (minus my older daughter) the consensus of my family was to disown my older daughter -- their sibling. I got angry with them. Despite what she had done she was still my daughter and their sister. If they couldn't find it in their hearts to forgive her and welcome her back when she came to her senses -- fine -- but as long as I'm still the head of this household and she wants to come back I would welcome her with an open heart and open arms. She's back.

I suppose everyone has to deal with things differently. I just happen to approach such things with the attitude of love. What does love tell me to do?

Anyways, just thought I'd share that. Take it or leave it. :)

[doojable]

The examples I have seen here have been about people dealing with each other live, much of it family. That seems reasonable, especially since our most important relationships...and the ones that have the most to lose from not communicating...are with them. Accepting that, though, I wonder how much of Shell's inital post can apply to our cyber relationships; I mean, between people we dont otherwise know about other than their posts?

Good thoughts Lifted Up. I don't know if it's possible though.

While the internet offers a great opportunity to meet folks you wouldn't normally meet. It also offers an even greater opportunity for anonymity.

I think the bottom line is that if a person wants people to get to know them, then that person reaches out. I believe that the beginning of every relationship starts with honesty and mutual respect. It's not impossible to establish that here in cyberland - but it may be harder to maintain.

Edited September 8, 2007 by doojable

[bowtwi]

snip

I suppose everyone has to deal with things differently. I just happen to approach such things with the attitude of love. What does love tell me to do?

:)

You must have some way to make sure they can't hurt you again as they had - care to share it? I have ridiculous problems with my family. I continue to love them, but they've done such unbelievable and hurtful things to me and others in our family that I can't be around them or expose my daughter to them. One nephew stays in occasional e-mail contact with me and each time I hear from him I respond that same day and love him up via e-mail. The rest seriously suck the life out of me and take anything I have that's not nailed down.

I was reminded in the prayer room to pray for my family, which I hadn't done for some time now - beyond that I have no idea what I could or maybe even should do. I feel that I've done more than I could or should and the only thing to do now is to avoid them to prevent further pain and damage to myself and my daughter.

Generally speaking, I think it's good to keep the air clear and let those we love know we love them, but I think it's past possible in my family, as my "sin" is that when they see me it reminds them of their guilt and then they behave unbelievably badly.

[Larry N Moore]

You must have some way to make sure they can't hurt you again as they had - care to share it?

I'm not sure you can stop from being hurt again. All you can do is determine how you're going to respond to it.

I have ridiculous problems with my family. I continue to love them, but they've done such unbelievable and hurtful things to me and others in our family that I can't be around them or expose my daughter to them. One nephew stays in occasional e-mail contact with me and each time I hear from him I respond that same day and love him up via e-mail. The rest seriously suck the life out of me and take anything I have that's not nailed down.

Hmm . . . in your case I think if your "life is sucked out of (you)" then it's probably best that you do avoid them.

You have a daughter to protect -- that will/should always be your first concern. If there's no other way to protect your daughter then how you've chosen to do so -- well -- that makes you a good parent. Don't feel guilty about that. Be proud.

Do you have a plan on how to explain this to your daughter (if you haven't already)?

[bowtwi]

I'm not sure you can stop from being hurt again. All you can do is determine how you're going to respond to it.

Hmm . . . in your case I think if your "life is sucked out of (you)" then it's probably best that you do avoid them.

You have a daughter to protect -- that will/should always be your first concern. If there's no other way to protect your daughter then how you've chosen to do so -- well -- that makes you a good parent. Don't feel guilty about that. Be proud.

Do you have a plan on how to explain this to your daughter (if you haven't already)?

Yes. She was part of an incident a couple years ago where one of my brothers tried to force her to eat something she dislikes very much. (I don't make her eat what she doesn't want to eat as long as she doesn't complain.) She was present during his and my heated discussion and his subsequent apology to me.

From there, over the phone there were some very intense discussions (unrelated to the incident with my daughter) that led to my disassociating with them and my daughter doesn't know about those details, but will if and when she needs to. She had no desire to go back and see them after the food issue, so it's really not come up for her.)

The rest of the family issues are all adult issues, so at 11, she's not aware of them. My son (now 27) never knew any of the really bad past stuff until just 5 years ago when I reunited with the other brother after 25 years estranged. It only took about 3 years to return to separation from him, which took place shortly after stopping contact with the older brother. I had to explain the past to my son at that point, as he was about to meet up with his cousins, who all knew the history from their parents' points of view.

[Larry N Moore]

I have a brother who is an alcoholic/drug addict. I've let him know that he's always welcomed at my home but his alcohol/drugs are not.

It's very difficult (sometimes) to enjoy his company but, seeing as how he's choosing a life that might end it at anytime -- I don't want the last thing I remember (or him remembering) being -- he's not welcomed into my home and heart.

I think you're making some wise decisions. You're not the one with the problem. From what you share it seems to me some of your family has problems. But -- bottom line your immediate family ALWAYS comes first.

[Shellon]

Lifted, I wasn't applying to anyone specific, whatever applies to me or to you.

I have developed very few cyber friends that I invest time and emotions in.

For some that would be more applicable.

And as has been stated here, some relationships can't be "fixed" or even attempted at. It's not the same for everyone all the time.

[excathedra]

it's very sad when those who die waited until it was too late

i asked and cried over a few coffins.....