"Different sex". Johnny, do you mean they want sex with someone other than their wife? Or does different mean something considered out of the norm than they usually do?
Well, I guess I meant with a different person. But also, let's say a wife has a strong aversion to giving oral sex, then maybe that guy misses it or whatever, or, if he had never had it, would like to go out and "get one" for the first time or whatever. Geez, I would think that a prostitute would be in order in that situation.
I know a gal whose husband refused to have oral sex with her, and so, to cure that problem, she went and found a lover who would do such things with her. It was her fix for that problem I guess. And so far, she is still married to that guy. But it is still a deception and a secret that could easily wipe out her marriage.
I think that with men it is way more of a straight on sex thing. but I do believe that with women it is probably more complicated than just sex. Probably alot more about being appreciated and understood and all of that, like someone else mentioned before.
Wow, we do have a lot of different opinions here. I couldn't imagine going to a prostitue to get oral sex would be healthy for a marriage. I guess I am a firm believer that we live in a day and age that you have the openness talk about those things before you get married.
What if that wife had more than oral sex with her lover? Come on here. How in the heck does a man ONLY have oral sex to help a woman out? I'm sorry; that is plain weird to me. Did her husband know about the guy who did the special favors for her? gakkkkk!
I'm glad that my husband doesn't view it as "just sex". It's about the bonding, giving of yourself, and the expression of love that goes with it all. I'm sure you are well aware of that. I would just like to think that spouses would be willing to do WHATEVER to make their significant other satisfied in that area of life.....in a perfect world right?
I guess it is about getting what you want in the marriage.
My cousin has a nice marriage they seem happy , they went through a thing when their daughter got involved with a man dad didnt approve of and seperated but worked it out.
I begged her to tell me the secret, I laugh as she stated honestly "neither one of us likes sex"/
lol yes they have ONE child adopted and another one of natural means.
funny huh?
she said if they never do it again they wouldnt care and as far as they know neither one of them cheats.
ha
but some people cant deal with changes within a marriage and seek their "needs" and I mean just sex outside the marriage although I would say something is missing in the marriage what if one of them gets depressed and doesnt want to anymore but the other does?
neither would care as long as they work it out between them as was said earlier.
why ruin a marriage over something so simple ?
My niece poor dear got a disease and found out the hard way what her man was doing and they worked it out, honestly you have to know the guy but he was drunk and she was a slut... my niece and him worked it out and let me tell ya... they are better for it.
In todays world if you cheat.....you are not only foolishly putting your own life at risk...but you also have endagered your spouse unbeknownst to them, and without their consent.
This is inexcusable. There is no provication that makes the exposure to a slow and horrible death without their knowledge and consent acceptable.
It isn`t honest and it isn`t fair....if you need more excitement then get out of the marriage so that you are not putting anybody else at risk with your stupidity.
Both my husbands cheated; the first one left; I kicked the second one out. Interestingly, both were in the church.
Our modern day society has helped feed this concept of cheating as "no big deal." It's excused all over the media [tv and movies]. It's excused in our court system of easy divorce [the bible gave two only two reasons, and remember God says, "I hate divorce"]. We excuse out of wedlock pregnancies, and there's a never ending stream of welfare to support the mothers when the father just disappears.
Statistically, far more men cheat and leave than women do.
It shows they only think of Me, Me, Me; they don't care about the life of the ones they walk out on. Those of us who were single parents cannot put into words the depth of worry and exhaustion we dealt with. I did learn that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I made it; raised my kids and today they are all on their own, financially successful, and with good spouses.
I choose to remain single. I am happy and fulfilled. I grieved the fact that I don't trust to be in another relationship, but I have learned that twice bitten is enough.
Now now now. I did not say that I endorsed such activity. I am just saying that this is one reason why I believe some people cheat, as per the thread question. And as far as the gal who gets her "oral sex fix" from this other guy, well I did not say that was all that happened between them. Obviously if two people are willing to go that far, they will no doubt go all the way, which of course, they do. And as far as the prostitute thing goes, I was only saying that if a guy is going to step outside of his marriage for a bj, he'd probably make it simpler and less complicated by going to a prostitute. But, my particular belief is that it is wrong to do either, that is: To cheat with some "regular person", or cheat by going to a prostitute is the same and is still wrong. I was just thinking that a prostitute would be simpler and less of a chance of a mess. But either one also carries the health risk to your spouse.
So once again, I didn't say that this is right, but I believe that it is one major reason as to why people cheat, as per the question of this thread asks...
Promiscuity (and hence infidelity) can be a symptom of mood and personality disorders. What comes first the chicken or the egg I dunno but some of those disorders stem from childhood stuff so your perception of immaturity and hence a me me me thought process is right.
I've had women walk out of their bedrooms butt nekid n ask me to join them in the shower, I've had mothers tell me it was ok if I *went out* with their daughters (three times) and of course the usual lonely believer lady that had needs. I saw it as compromising my integrity so I passed on the invites.
Funny how growing up changes your perception of things.
I read a book couple years ago called "All the good ones are married". This lady interviewed 50 love triangles (2 spouses, 1 person which one of the spouses was cheating with). It wasn't all heterosexual either, but one conclusion she came to was that women who are looking to cheat...their first choice is a married man because they felt married men were less likely to be impotent or twisted. Also, that for men, cheating was largely an ego thing and that's why men are more likely to get caught than women.
I think ideally it shouldn't happen, but yeah, if someone's really miserable in a relationship and divorce is the LAST option, then of course they're going to consider it. I've never cheated on my wife and to my knowledge she hasn't either.
I believe that the Lord has a spouse for each of us -- his own and/or her own.
when you find that one that the lord has made (such as Eve for Adam), then there is no more looking. (I have.)
Perhaps if one found oneself married to the wrong one, and then the right one comes along further on down the line. . .decisions must be made.
Some people in our group back in the early 90s "found their made in heaven" mate outside of their marriages -- when they were in their 40s and broke up two marriages and 7 kids (I think) in putting their "perfect marriage" together.
Last I heard they were both happy together.
Although I have lost touch with these people, I wish them the best (as I do everyone) and hope they are happy and that the "fallout" people are doing good too (as usual, the kids, suffer the most it seems) .
The Bible does not say anything specifically about God "setting up" Mary and Joseph. He didn't orchestrate the relationship, He didn't create them "for each other." From what I understand in the Gospels, that relationship was already in place when Mary got pregnant.
My point? If God didn't do anything to cosmically and supernaturally bring the two people together that would raise His own son on earth, why do so many Christians here in 21st century America think God's gonna do that for them? What happens too many times in the church is that people say God changed His mind, or they weren't really listening when He told them who to marry. "Don?" I thought you said "Dan", Lord!
When people believe God brings them together, it's somehow easier for them to believe God will separate them if he has a change of plan. Bottom line is, it takes out the responsibility of the partners to maintain the relationship and put the necessary work into the marriage. Interestingly, far too many Christians use that same excuse to cheat. I've seen it too many times within the church.
I don't mean to say that God has nothing to do with the selection of a mate. God can certainly answer prayer and the desires of the heart. It is an honorable thing do desire a godly mate, and I believe God can certainly work in someone's heart and life to make that happen.
Maybe for me it's kind of like someone giving you a brand new Porsche as opposed to saving for 10 years to get one on your own. Which one will most people work harder at maintaining?
Like fatal heart attacks, women are quickly catching up to men in this area also.
I have heard this one before. I always wondered about it.
In a room filled with couples, say 10% of the husbands 'cheat', then according to this idea only 5% of the wives will 'cheat'. Now convert this to real numbers. If that was 100 couples, with 100 men and 100 women, than that 10% of the men would mean that 10 men 'cheated'. That 5% of the ladies would mean that 5 ladies 'cheated'. so this 10 men and 5 ladies each 'cheated'. If each of the 'cheating' ladies 'cheated' once, that would account for all of the 'cheating' ladies, but would leave 5 of the 'cheating' men without ladies to 'cheat' with. So who wold these extra men be 'cheating' with?
I understand that my circumstances have been 'unusual'. I understand that my lifestyle has been 'unusual'. I have worked with a lot of men. I have served as their Protestant Pastor onboard various submarines. there are most certainly sailors who do 'bang' every female that will let them. I have seen many couples where the wife cheated and eventually deserted her husband, during the same 20 years I saw very few husbands cheat on their wives. from my experiences, my observations and those that I have known; females are overwhelmingly the majority of 'cheaters' compared to males. And they are by far the majority in the case of deserting their marriages.
As I got older, I must say I have learned how to be alone and I prefer alone time. Sometimes being with a guy you do not like is lonelier than being alone. We have had long patches in our relationship where I would have given a body part to have his yelling silenced. But even when things were so horrible I wanted to jump off a cliff, I just never thought another man would make my life better.
It is awful but at this age I see men as bossy nuisances. Most men in my life have been controlling abysses of need. Why would I want another one? I never was attracted to NICE guys but to BAD (Wild) boys. And bad boys are fun in their twenties, maybe a cute rebel in their 30's but by 40.... Well, the drinking, pool shooting, porn watching man to me is not attractive.
I wish I had gotten with a NICE guy. So, cheating to me is not appealing at all. Now, a quiet home in the country, with 10 dogs and cats, an hour from a mall is my idea of heaven. I would miss my husband, but life with the toliet lid always down has a certain appeal to me. Much more appealing than a new man.
I just read what I wrote, and I apologize to all nice men everywhere. I just never dated you.
Ya know, I sayI am just not interested in cheating.
But I do know what cheating did to me when I was young. Not a spouse but the love of my life. One day we were so happy. He was funny and so wonderful to be around. He had everyone laughing. He was quick and always doing something fun. But he was a bad boy. Drinking beer, shooting pool and always had the attention of girls.
Tall with green eyes and a smile that could launch a ship it had so much energy.
I loved him. I really loved him with every part of me. We were good together. We always had people in stitches, always planning something different. And we could not keep our hands off of each other. I loved him.
Then one day, I did not get fat; I was still young and attractive. I was still fun. I still made people laugh; I was still “cool” (when that was “in”) I was still in great sassy clothes with long hair and perfectly applied make-up. But one day that wasn’t enough.
One day, on the day of my prom where I never looked better, he cheated on me. It wasn’t for sex as he was my first and we were always “together”. She wasn’t better looking, she didn’t dress as well… She was just there and available and he did it.
And I was crushed. I mean listlessly my heart fell from me and pain replaced it. We talked and went back together…. But he cheated again….
Soon instead of feeling good when I was with him I was jealous all the time. I hated that in myself and shortly thereafter we split.
I have tried to figure out what I did wrong for 30 years. It wasn’t looks, fun, getting along, sex or anything I can finger. He just went away with someone else and never came back. I guess the biggest thing about cheating is the other person always wonders “why?”.
Re:"I have tried to figure out what I did wrong for 30 years."
Like, duh, Dot.. you've already told us. You were attracted to and went out with the bad boys.. not the good boys. I knew girls like you in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day. I thought even then in my adolescent mind that one day those girls would one day be sorry they were dating future minimum wage earning guys.
As I got older, I must say I have learned how to be alone and I prefer alone time. Sometimes being with a guy you do not like is lonelier than being alone. We have had long patches in our relationship where I would have given a body part to have his yelling silenced. But even when things were so horrible I wanted to jump off a cliff, I just never thought another man would make my life better.
It is awful but at this age I see men as bossy nuisances. Most men in my life have been controlling abysses of need. Why would I want another one? I never was attracted to NICE guys but to BAD (Wild) boys. And bad boys are fun in their twenties, maybe a cute rebel in their 30's but by 40.... Well, the drinking, pool shooting, porn watching man to me is not attractive.
I wish I had gotten with a NICE guy. So, cheating to me is not appealing at all. Now, a quiet home in the country, with 10 dogs and cats, an hour from a mall is my idea of heaven. I would miss my husband, but life with the toliet lid always down has a certain appeal to me. Much more appealing than a new man.
Im laughing about this dot.
A very thoughtful post and I KNOW your not the only one.
I was working a job with all women , married women , LONG time married women , just married women but all people in their forties. I was the only single one.
MY boss a beutiful lady and an excellent boss would ask me what did you do last night or last weekend?
and to be nice I would share my life you know oh I went to the new show, or I went swiming or camping or I went and saw my grands..I try to be positive and happy I live a good life
Im single been single all of my life Yet I have children I raised some alone some with a sometimes when it was good for him and his new wife .
so one day she sounded like your post.. just wnated to be left alone.. kind of sick of the marriage, but she is such a loving soul , I knew she still loved him. she was angry at some of the situations in the marriage.
Let me tell ya in my estimation the single life is ATTRACTIVE! I have down days and then i go on a date or two with a few middle age guys and realize how happy I really am heehee.
but I will say to you what I looked in her eyes and said.
any life choice isnt perfect , they all have a down time.
I am single and happy because I have come to place of realizing that is what I am, it might change tommorrow or it might not but i can not stop my life because I need a husband. NOR can I need a husband enough to stop my life.
YOU can not be happy being single without alot of work and change and adjustments and yes heart break.. anymore than I can get married without losing a great deal of what I know as life.
niether is right or wrong.
they just are.
It is important to be ok where your at.. yes , change is good but not if the change causes so much adjustment to life as you know it isnt worth it. or you miss what you know as how life is for you.
think hard think long dot.
the grass isnt greener . it is just a different yard.
I have control of my toilet seat, but I do not have twom incomes.. it seems with every give a take is around the corner and I have thought about it , this is pretty much my chice.. until the perfect man comes through the door, Jesus himself probably. YOU would lok for what ever you get out of your relationship that is good and miss it and maybe it would not be worth thinking anything eles is worth trying or wishing for.
Dearest (((dott))) I am laughing here....you JUST described my little slice of heaven...(cept I only have 7 dogs n 4 cats)....
Yeah I have to share it with the 7 kids and the husband.....so it isn`t always *quiet* I guess you cannot have everything :) Although MY guys are all trained to keep the lid down since one of the little ones fell in and waking up to mama`s ear splitting shrieks when SHE fell in the dark....lol
Your statement about being married but being alone struck a chord with me ...I have been there....the deepest lonliest place to be .... and no cheating was never attractive to me either.
I knew what it had done to my mother and her 4 small children....
I one time yelled at my spouse that in marrying me and then refusing to love...he had condemned us both to an entire lifetime without love...and damn him it just wasnt fair.
Cheating has never been an option, guess we were both too tired....lol ...But something strange has begun to happen...I don`t know if we are growing up or what but in the last year things have turned around.
It all started with him reading a book...
Anyway...instead of viewing his family as how much we *cost* him every day...what we consume in groceries...how much gas did I burn up in the car....how high our feed bill is....all of a sudden we are being viewed and apreciated as an asset.
I don`t know exactly what I am trying to say....except that maybe after 20 years of toughin it out...maybe just maybe I am hoping that we might be going to reap some benefit.
Re:<B><I><font color=red>"I have tried to figure out what I did wrong for 30 years."</font></I></B>
Like, duh, Dot.. you've already told us. You were attracted to and went out with the bad boys.. not the good boys. I knew girls like you in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day. I thought even then in my adolescent mind that one day those girls would one day be sorry they were dating future minimum wage earning guys.
<center>sudo</center>
*laff*. So this is why I learned to play guitar and joined a band ! In high school I had yet to fill out so I wasn't much interested
in sports and at that time they only sport I really knew well was soccer so the jock route was out of the question for me at that time. I pursued other sports it in college though. Anyway because of that I was just one in a very long line of regular guys who were routinely "dissed" by the more popular girls in favor of the alpha male types. But once I started getting my rock band together boy did that ever change ! I couldn't believe it ! Girls everywhere ! The stuff hit the fan though when one of the cheerleaders ditched her b/f to come watch us rehearse and this gang of footballers came looking for her. It was like West Side story - the Jets and the Sharks ! It was just a bunch of posturing and shouting because the football guys soon realized that they weren't in the "right side of town" and they got nervous when some burly, tattoed,"institutional" types came out to greet them (friends of the band). Funny thing though was after all this blew over the football guys took a liking to us but I think it was only because they noticed that at our parties and gigs that there were lots of very pretty girls ! So Sudo. IF the dentist gig doesn't work out for you then get a band together ! *laff*
My Regional manager was a very professional woman. She taught me an enormous amount and encouraged my rise in my profession. It meant a great deal to me that, as time went on, she began to treat me not only as a collegue, but as a friend. The friendship only strengthed when we endured together the loss of a mutual co-worker to cancer.
During the budding days of the relationship, she introduced to her boyfriend. This gentleman was also very courteous and friendly, an easy, fun guy to get to know and have around. They made a good pair.
My friend had a stroke, and when I went to visit her (I lived in Austin, they in Dallas) she confided in me that, in fact, her guy was a married man, and that his wife did not know they were seeing each other. Well, I was knocked on my butt. Her reason for confiding in me was her belief that she had the stroke because she was being punished. She told me the whole story (she left her husband and the boyfriend was still on the fence).
Sometime over the next few months, the guy finally made the decision to leave his wife and marry my friend. By that time I was dating a friend of theirs, and, after being given a promotion, moved to Dallas, This would allow me to continue my relationship with the guy I was dating (didn't work out) and involve me even further on a personal level with my friend.
The new husband's family were not entralled with the new wife in any way. Oh, they were gracious when they had to be, but the barbs were there, and continued for years. I watched through her tears and saw pretty much first hand the uncomfortable transition from rejection to a kind of cold war acceptance. I don't think his family will ever fully accept her.
My feelings were, to say the least, torn. My respect for her had diminished, though I really tried not to show it. This was a few years after leaving TWI, and having no family means that any friends I made became very important. So many times I felt like a hypocrate, soothing her on the one hand while wanting to ream her out on the other. But it wasn't my place. Their affair starting a year before I ever met them, and they had already carved this path out for themselves. So many people were being judgemental, and I just didn't want to be one of them, so I keep my opinions to myself.
Considering how many of this situations can end so badly (the Betty Buckley story comes to mind) theirs continued on as peacefully as could be. But I know that I never saw her in the same light again, and could see how awful this was to all of their friends and family. They are still married, almost 13 years later, but it has been heartbreaking for all.
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J0nny Ling0
Well, I guess I meant with a different person. But also, let's say a wife has a strong aversion to giving oral sex, then maybe that guy misses it or whatever, or, if he had never had it, would like to go out and "get one" for the first time or whatever. Geez, I would think that a prostitute would be in order in that situation.
I know a gal whose husband refused to have oral sex with her, and so, to cure that problem, she went and found a lover who would do such things with her. It was her fix for that problem I guess. And so far, she is still married to that guy. But it is still a deception and a secret that could easily wipe out her marriage.
I think that with men it is way more of a straight on sex thing. but I do believe that with women it is probably more complicated than just sex. Probably alot more about being appreciated and understood and all of that, like someone else mentioned before.
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Nottawayfer
Wow, we do have a lot of different opinions here. I couldn't imagine going to a prostitue to get oral sex would be healthy for a marriage. I guess I am a firm believer that we live in a day and age that you have the openness talk about those things before you get married.
What if that wife had more than oral sex with her lover? Come on here. How in the heck does a man ONLY have oral sex to help a woman out? I'm sorry; that is plain weird to me. Did her husband know about the guy who did the special favors for her? gakkkkk!
I'm glad that my husband doesn't view it as "just sex". It's about the bonding, giving of yourself, and the expression of love that goes with it all. I'm sure you are well aware of that. I would just like to think that spouses would be willing to do WHATEVER to make their significant other satisfied in that area of life.....in a perfect world right?
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pond
I guess it is about getting what you want in the marriage.
My cousin has a nice marriage they seem happy , they went through a thing when their daughter got involved with a man dad didnt approve of and seperated but worked it out.
I begged her to tell me the secret, I laugh as she stated honestly "neither one of us likes sex"/
lol yes they have ONE child adopted and another one of natural means.
funny huh?
she said if they never do it again they wouldnt care and as far as they know neither one of them cheats.
ha
but some people cant deal with changes within a marriage and seek their "needs" and I mean just sex outside the marriage although I would say something is missing in the marriage what if one of them gets depressed and doesnt want to anymore but the other does?
neither would care as long as they work it out between them as was said earlier.
why ruin a marriage over something so simple ?
My niece poor dear got a disease and found out the hard way what her man was doing and they worked it out, honestly you have to know the guy but he was drunk and she was a slut... my niece and him worked it out and let me tell ya... they are better for it.
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rascal
In todays world if you cheat.....you are not only foolishly putting your own life at risk...but you also have endagered your spouse unbeknownst to them, and without their consent.
This is inexcusable. There is no provication that makes the exposure to a slow and horrible death without their knowledge and consent acceptable.
It isn`t honest and it isn`t fair....if you need more excitement then get out of the marriage so that you are not putting anybody else at risk with your stupidity.
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Rejoice
Wow....this is an emotional topic!!
Both my husbands cheated; the first one left; I kicked the second one out. Interestingly, both were in the church.
Our modern day society has helped feed this concept of cheating as "no big deal." It's excused all over the media [tv and movies]. It's excused in our court system of easy divorce [the bible gave two only two reasons, and remember God says, "I hate divorce"]. We excuse out of wedlock pregnancies, and there's a never ending stream of welfare to support the mothers when the father just disappears.
Statistically, far more men cheat and leave than women do.
It shows they only think of Me, Me, Me; they don't care about the life of the ones they walk out on. Those of us who were single parents cannot put into words the depth of worry and exhaustion we dealt with. I did learn that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I made it; raised my kids and today they are all on their own, financially successful, and with good spouses.
I choose to remain single. I am happy and fulfilled. I grieved the fact that I don't trust to be in another relationship, but I have learned that twice bitten is enough.
Dot and Rascal, you are loved!
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J0nny Ling0
Now now now. I did not say that I endorsed such activity. I am just saying that this is one reason why I believe some people cheat, as per the thread question. And as far as the gal who gets her "oral sex fix" from this other guy, well I did not say that was all that happened between them. Obviously if two people are willing to go that far, they will no doubt go all the way, which of course, they do. And as far as the prostitute thing goes, I was only saying that if a guy is going to step outside of his marriage for a bj, he'd probably make it simpler and less complicated by going to a prostitute. But, my particular belief is that it is wrong to do either, that is: To cheat with some "regular person", or cheat by going to a prostitute is the same and is still wrong. I was just thinking that a prostitute would be simpler and less of a chance of a mess. But either one also carries the health risk to your spouse.
So once again, I didn't say that this is right, but I believe that it is one major reason as to why people cheat, as per the question of this thread asks...
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herbiejuan
Promiscuity (and hence infidelity) can be a symptom of mood and personality disorders. What comes first the chicken or the egg I dunno but some of those disorders stem from childhood stuff so your perception of immaturity and hence a me me me thought process is right.
I've had women walk out of their bedrooms butt nekid n ask me to join them in the shower, I've had mothers tell me it was ok if I *went out* with their daughters (three times) and of course the usual lonely believer lady that had needs. I saw it as compromising my integrity so I passed on the invites.
Funny how growing up changes your perception of things.
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johniam
I read a book couple years ago called "All the good ones are married". This lady interviewed 50 love triangles (2 spouses, 1 person which one of the spouses was cheating with). It wasn't all heterosexual either, but one conclusion she came to was that women who are looking to cheat...their first choice is a married man because they felt married men were less likely to be impotent or twisted. Also, that for men, cheating was largely an ego thing and that's why men are more likely to get caught than women.
I think ideally it shouldn't happen, but yeah, if someone's really miserable in a relationship and divorce is the LAST option, then of course they're going to consider it. I've never cheated on my wife and to my knowledge she hasn't either.
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Galen
I think that doing such is just throwing the 'blame' onto an innocent party.
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Stayed Too Long
Like fatal heart attacks, women are quickly catching up to men in this area also.
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Kit Sober
I believe that the Lord has a spouse for each of us -- his own and/or her own.
when you find that one that the lord has made (such as Eve for Adam), then there is no more looking. (I have.)
Perhaps if one found oneself married to the wrong one, and then the right one comes along further on down the line. . .decisions must be made.
Some people in our group back in the early 90s "found their made in heaven" mate outside of their marriages -- when they were in their 40s and broke up two marriages and 7 kids (I think) in putting their "perfect marriage" together.
Last I heard they were both happy together.
Although I have lost touch with these people, I wish them the best (as I do everyone) and hope they are happy and that the "fallout" people are doing good too (as usual, the kids, suffer the most it seems) .
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wwjesuslaughat
The Bible does not say anything specifically about God "setting up" Mary and Joseph. He didn't orchestrate the relationship, He didn't create them "for each other." From what I understand in the Gospels, that relationship was already in place when Mary got pregnant.
My point? If God didn't do anything to cosmically and supernaturally bring the two people together that would raise His own son on earth, why do so many Christians here in 21st century America think God's gonna do that for them? What happens too many times in the church is that people say God changed His mind, or they weren't really listening when He told them who to marry. "Don?" I thought you said "Dan", Lord!
When people believe God brings them together, it's somehow easier for them to believe God will separate them if he has a change of plan. Bottom line is, it takes out the responsibility of the partners to maintain the relationship and put the necessary work into the marriage. Interestingly, far too many Christians use that same excuse to cheat. I've seen it too many times within the church.
I don't mean to say that God has nothing to do with the selection of a mate. God can certainly answer prayer and the desires of the heart. It is an honorable thing do desire a godly mate, and I believe God can certainly work in someone's heart and life to make that happen.
Maybe for me it's kind of like someone giving you a brand new Porsche as opposed to saving for 10 years to get one on your own. Which one will most people work harder at maintaining?
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excathedra
having watched my father almost kill my mother, and other things too horrible to mention, i think cheating would have been a walk in the park....
i guess it's all about perspective
"cheating" what an interesting word. as is murder, betrayal, dah dah dah
this life is crazy. now there's another word
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Galen
I have heard this one before. I always wondered about it.
In a room filled with couples, say 10% of the husbands 'cheat', then according to this idea only 5% of the wives will 'cheat'. Now convert this to real numbers. If that was 100 couples, with 100 men and 100 women, than that 10% of the men would mean that 10 men 'cheated'. That 5% of the ladies would mean that 5 ladies 'cheated'. so this 10 men and 5 ladies each 'cheated'. If each of the 'cheating' ladies 'cheated' once, that would account for all of the 'cheating' ladies, but would leave 5 of the 'cheating' men without ladies to 'cheat' with. So who wold these extra men be 'cheating' with?
I understand that my circumstances have been 'unusual'. I understand that my lifestyle has been 'unusual'. I have worked with a lot of men. I have served as their Protestant Pastor onboard various submarines. there are most certainly sailors who do 'bang' every female that will let them. I have seen many couples where the wife cheated and eventually deserted her husband, during the same 20 years I saw very few husbands cheat on their wives. from my experiences, my observations and those that I have known; females are overwhelmingly the majority of 'cheaters' compared to males. And they are by far the majority in the case of deserting their marriages.
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Oakspear
not everybody in the "room" is married Galen
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Dot Matrix
As I got older, I must say I have learned how to be alone and I prefer alone time. Sometimes being with a guy you do not like is lonelier than being alone. We have had long patches in our relationship where I would have given a body part to have his yelling silenced. But even when things were so horrible I wanted to jump off a cliff, I just never thought another man would make my life better.
It is awful but at this age I see men as bossy nuisances. Most men in my life have been controlling abysses of need. Why would I want another one? I never was attracted to NICE guys but to BAD (Wild) boys. And bad boys are fun in their twenties, maybe a cute rebel in their 30's but by 40.... Well, the drinking, pool shooting, porn watching man to me is not attractive.
I wish I had gotten with a NICE guy. So, cheating to me is not appealing at all. Now, a quiet home in the country, with 10 dogs and cats, an hour from a mall is my idea of heaven. I would miss my husband, but life with the toliet lid always down has a certain appeal to me. Much more appealing than a new man.
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Dot Matrix
I just read what I wrote, and I apologize to all nice men everywhere. I just never dated you.
Ya know, I sayI am just not interested in cheating.
But I do know what cheating did to me when I was young. Not a spouse but the love of my life. One day we were so happy. He was funny and so wonderful to be around. He had everyone laughing. He was quick and always doing something fun. But he was a bad boy. Drinking beer, shooting pool and always had the attention of girls.
Tall with green eyes and a smile that could launch a ship it had so much energy.
I loved him. I really loved him with every part of me. We were good together. We always had people in stitches, always planning something different. And we could not keep our hands off of each other. I loved him.
Then one day, I did not get fat; I was still young and attractive. I was still fun. I still made people laugh; I was still “cool” (when that was “in”) I was still in great sassy clothes with long hair and perfectly applied make-up. But one day that wasn’t enough.
One day, on the day of my prom where I never looked better, he cheated on me. It wasn’t for sex as he was my first and we were always “together”. She wasn’t better looking, she didn’t dress as well… She was just there and available and he did it.
And I was crushed. I mean listlessly my heart fell from me and pain replaced it. We talked and went back together…. But he cheated again….
Soon instead of feeling good when I was with him I was jealous all the time. I hated that in myself and shortly thereafter we split.
I have tried to figure out what I did wrong for 30 years. It wasn’t looks, fun, getting along, sex or anything I can finger. He just went away with someone else and never came back. I guess the biggest thing about cheating is the other person always wonders “why?”.
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Sudo
Dot,
Re:"I have tried to figure out what I did wrong for 30 years."
Like, duh, Dot.. you've already told us. You were attracted to and went out with the bad boys.. not the good boys. I knew girls like you in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day. I thought even then in my adolescent mind that one day those girls would one day be sorry they were dating future minimum wage earning guys.
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Galen
Yes, but every married person in the room who could possibly 'cheat' is married.
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pond
Im laughing about this dot.
A very thoughtful post and I KNOW your not the only one.
I was working a job with all women , married women , LONG time married women , just married women but all people in their forties. I was the only single one.
MY boss a beutiful lady and an excellent boss would ask me what did you do last night or last weekend?
and to be nice I would share my life you know oh I went to the new show, or I went swiming or camping or I went and saw my grands..I try to be positive and happy I live a good life
Im single been single all of my life Yet I have children I raised some alone some with a sometimes when it was good for him and his new wife .
so one day she sounded like your post.. just wnated to be left alone.. kind of sick of the marriage, but she is such a loving soul , I knew she still loved him. she was angry at some of the situations in the marriage.
Let me tell ya in my estimation the single life is ATTRACTIVE! I have down days and then i go on a date or two with a few middle age guys and realize how happy I really am heehee.
but I will say to you what I looked in her eyes and said.
any life choice isnt perfect , they all have a down time.
I am single and happy because I have come to place of realizing that is what I am, it might change tommorrow or it might not but i can not stop my life because I need a husband. NOR can I need a husband enough to stop my life.
YOU can not be happy being single without alot of work and change and adjustments and yes heart break.. anymore than I can get married without losing a great deal of what I know as life.
niether is right or wrong.
they just are.
It is important to be ok where your at.. yes , change is good but not if the change causes so much adjustment to life as you know it isnt worth it. or you miss what you know as how life is for you.
think hard think long dot.
the grass isnt greener . it is just a different yard.
I have control of my toilet seat, but I do not have twom incomes.. it seems with every give a take is around the corner and I have thought about it , this is pretty much my chice.. until the perfect man comes through the door, Jesus himself probably. YOU would lok for what ever you get out of your relationship that is good and miss it and maybe it would not be worth thinking anything eles is worth trying or wishing for.
just like me with being single.
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rascal
Dearest (((dott))) I am laughing here....you JUST described my little slice of heaven...(cept I only have 7 dogs n 4 cats)....
Yeah I have to share it with the 7 kids and the husband.....so it isn`t always *quiet* I guess you cannot have everything :) Although MY guys are all trained to keep the lid down since one of the little ones fell in and waking up to mama`s ear splitting shrieks when SHE fell in the dark....lol
Your statement about being married but being alone struck a chord with me ...I have been there....the deepest lonliest place to be .... and no cheating was never attractive to me either.
I knew what it had done to my mother and her 4 small children....
I one time yelled at my spouse that in marrying me and then refusing to love...he had condemned us both to an entire lifetime without love...and damn him it just wasnt fair.
Cheating has never been an option, guess we were both too tired....lol ...But something strange has begun to happen...I don`t know if we are growing up or what but in the last year things have turned around.
It all started with him reading a book...
Anyway...instead of viewing his family as how much we *cost* him every day...what we consume in groceries...how much gas did I burn up in the car....how high our feed bill is....all of a sudden we are being viewed and apreciated as an asset.
I don`t know exactly what I am trying to say....except that maybe after 20 years of toughin it out...maybe just maybe I am hoping that we might be going to reap some benefit.
I can only hope.
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diazbro
Errr well understand that many unmarried copies who have monogamous relationships (or strive to)
would consider someone "stepping out" as being cheating. One does not have to be married to experience
a sense of massive betrayal upon discovery that your significant other has sought the affections (physical
or otherwise) of another.
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diazbro
*laff*. So this is why I learned to play guitar and joined a band ! In high school I had yet to fill out so I wasn't much interested
in sports and at that time they only sport I really knew well was soccer so the jock route was out of the question for me at that time. I pursued other sports it in college though. Anyway because of that I was just one in a very long line of regular guys who were routinely "dissed" by the more popular girls in favor of the alpha male types. But once I started getting my rock band together boy did that ever change ! I couldn't believe it ! Girls everywhere ! The stuff hit the fan though when one of the cheerleaders ditched her b/f to come watch us rehearse and this gang of footballers came looking for her. It was like West Side story - the Jets and the Sharks ! It was just a bunch of posturing and shouting because the football guys soon realized that they weren't in the "right side of town" and they got nervous when some burly, tattoed,"institutional" types came out to greet them (friends of the band). Funny thing though was after all this blew over the football guys took a liking to us but I think it was only because they noticed that at our parties and gigs that there were lots of very pretty girls ! So Sudo. IF the dentist gig doesn't work out for you then get a band together ! *laff*
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topoftheworld
I have an outsider's view of this issue.
My Regional manager was a very professional woman. She taught me an enormous amount and encouraged my rise in my profession. It meant a great deal to me that, as time went on, she began to treat me not only as a collegue, but as a friend. The friendship only strengthed when we endured together the loss of a mutual co-worker to cancer.
During the budding days of the relationship, she introduced to her boyfriend. This gentleman was also very courteous and friendly, an easy, fun guy to get to know and have around. They made a good pair.
My friend had a stroke, and when I went to visit her (I lived in Austin, they in Dallas) she confided in me that, in fact, her guy was a married man, and that his wife did not know they were seeing each other. Well, I was knocked on my butt. Her reason for confiding in me was her belief that she had the stroke because she was being punished. She told me the whole story (she left her husband and the boyfriend was still on the fence).
Sometime over the next few months, the guy finally made the decision to leave his wife and marry my friend. By that time I was dating a friend of theirs, and, after being given a promotion, moved to Dallas, This would allow me to continue my relationship with the guy I was dating (didn't work out) and involve me even further on a personal level with my friend.
The new husband's family were not entralled with the new wife in any way. Oh, they were gracious when they had to be, but the barbs were there, and continued for years. I watched through her tears and saw pretty much first hand the uncomfortable transition from rejection to a kind of cold war acceptance. I don't think his family will ever fully accept her.
My feelings were, to say the least, torn. My respect for her had diminished, though I really tried not to show it. This was a few years after leaving TWI, and having no family means that any friends I made became very important. So many times I felt like a hypocrate, soothing her on the one hand while wanting to ream her out on the other. But it wasn't my place. Their affair starting a year before I ever met them, and they had already carved this path out for themselves. So many people were being judgemental, and I just didn't want to be one of them, so I keep my opinions to myself.
Considering how many of this situations can end so badly (the Betty Buckley story comes to mind) theirs continued on as peacefully as could be. But I know that I never saw her in the same light again, and could see how awful this was to all of their friends and family. They are still married, almost 13 years later, but it has been heartbreaking for all.
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