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DWBH, what can I say? Thank you SO much for the love and your comments. I can’t quite find the words to tell you all how much I appreciate being welcome here. To answer a couple comments - I have 4 therapists and am on a battery of meds. I’ve been doing this latest round of hard work with said therapists for a year and a half. I think what has discouraged me is how deep the injuries go into my subconscious mind. But I am and will continue working. Being ME here is a big step I’ve wanted to take for years. Thanks again for the comfort <3

Hey, all. It’s been awhile since I’ve stepped into the diner. I’m outing myself today because it’s too painful to keep my silence anymore, and I’m struggling right now. My name is Leah - I’m LCM’s oldest child. I don’t know what to do next...I feel like I need to speak, but I don’t know what to say. I’m just so tired of hurting. Penworthy, it’s lovely to “see” you here. I so appreciate your compassion...

Welcome, Leah. About time!! You will get a lot of support here.

Hi Leah! Don’t you dare quit! You ARE on the right path. It’s right because YOU are choosing it. YOU are determining who YOU are! That is the single most difficult task of human development, and at the same time, the most rewarding and fulfilling. That’s why I said, “don’t you dare quit”. You will make it to your authentic YOU if you just keep on going. Damn the hurt, the pain, the fear, the shame, the guilt, and the weariness. Just keep on keepin’ on! According to the 8 stages of human development, the 4th One is “identity formation”. Usually, according to the data, it occurs between the ages of 20-32. It follows adolescence, (12-19), and it is THE critical stage of human development. Observe the usual activities people in the age range 20-32 are engaged in these days in our frenetic culture.....college, trade school, the military, all crucial development tools which help one to self-determine her/his occupation, basic philosophy of life, and accepting who you have decided to be. For most of us here, those were the very years we got involved with TWIt. The TWIt cult stunted our development at the most critical stage. Dictor paul’s psychiatric dysfunctions and perversions, along with the Nazi-like authoritarianism and militarism of his corpse program produced what I term, a forced adolescence upon all wayfers, because the way took over determining our identities with it’s cult indoctrination and a rigid military-like discipline in order to “be the best” according to what the cult determined was “best”, period. But, the incredible cognitive dissonance we all experienced between what wierwille said and what wierwille DID became too much for us to bear, eventually driving our “authentic” selves back to the surface from under the smothering mind control and extreme peer pressure from the cult, and, avouding a psychological breakdown, we summoned enough personal courage to get the hell out of Dodge and retake control of our own, authentic lives....lives WE choose and people WE choose to be with. That’s where the anxiety and depression become an issue. There is so much cognitive dissonance that it usually requires professional help from a licensed counselor in order to sort it all out. It is, unfortunately, a necessity for most, because we have no sense of ourselves outside the complete dominance of the cult in every part of our minds and bodies. Our personal human development was detoured by a destructive religious cult, but by the strength of will and reason, WE now get to determine who and what we are according to OUR standards, beliefs, and desires. This takes time and a bunch of getting used to, but the end of adaptation is FREEDOM, liberty, and confidence that you can do it again as often as necessary. As you can see, I too can ramble! LOL. But more importantly, I want to strongly encourage you to keep on going! YOU ARE on the right path for YOU. We’ve all been at multiple crossroads in our lives, and we are here to help, to listen, to encourage, to inspire, and to hug whenever you need help along your journey to self-actualization. A cool glass of water and a cold, juicy peach on a hot day, passed on to a fellow traveller with love, unspoken understanding, and a joyful smile to help you hang in there baby!! That’s the GSC. As you said, by the grace of God, you have a full life! A loving partner, 2 lovely babies, a good career doing something YOU love because YOU love it and trained for it. YOU did all that! YOU! And YOU will conquer the current difficulties with the help of others also traveling the freedom road to self-identification and rewarding fulfillment......you’ll see REAL fruit of the spirit in your life and you will be happy and at peace. Don’t you dare quit! We love YOU because of who and what YOU are. You belong. You are free to be you. Just do it! We’ll help in any way we can. Peace.

Oh Leah, I am so happy you are here. You know I love you and am here whenever you want to talk! I had no idea that you were BecomingMe. Wow! You are cared about here in ways you'll never fully know!

Well, I only feel comfortable speaking for myself, and I’m not so great. Working on it, though. I have a life that is full and that I’m really grateful for - two little girls, a husband (also a former Way kid), a career that I love in education. Now if I can work out really detaching the old way programming from my head, I’ll be all right...

Me, too. Let us know how you want to be addressed (like "Leah", or "Becoming", or "BeMe", or "Snoogy-Woogy Wips" or whatever. (Probably not that last one....) You might have a lot of questions which we might be able to answer. (Or you may not, which is fine.) If we can answer, we will. If you just need to vent with people who get it, well, this would be the place to vent. If there's anything else, well, we'll give it a shot. And we also play games if you just want to play,- see the Music/Movies/Books/Art forum. Stay as long as you need to, or want to.

I can only imagine the courage it takes to come forward. Welcome, Leah.

You can do it. We "hold the space" for you, as they say. When I say that, I imagine our arms around you, shielding you, providing good energy for you to stand on your own. As DWBH said, YOU have made this progress. YOU are a beautiful human being.

I assure you, that is NOT rambling. I'm in my mid-60s now, was 19 when I first met a wayfer and 31 when I exited the cult. I married at age 34. My (fairly short) marriage was tumultuous largely because I didn't grow up learning about personal boundaries and twi exacerbated the problem. I too have dealt with PTSD (not diagnosed) and depression and anxiety (diagnosed). I've also experienced grace in my life since. Lots of it. My two grandchildren are my greatest joy. I'm retired now and spend a lot of time writing and reading. Much love to you, BecomingMe!

Leah, I applaud your bravery. I stand with you. I'm confident you don't remember me, but I was at Emporia in the late 1970s with the 9th. Whatever we at GSC can do for you, please let us (privately or not) know.

Hi, this is Penworks. My heart goes out to you, Becoming Me. You have great courage. Take good care of yourself.

Wow, you all are wonderful! I love that I’m engaging with people who understand!! I do have several people in my life that came out of the way, but many of you have a different perspective, which I find valuable. I’m so grateful for the level of insight and kindness you all share. I really appreciate all the book recommendations - I will add them to my list :-) When I was first half-in, half-out and trying to figure out what to do, Greasespot was so helpful, especially the documents that came directly from the way. By that time, I understood that I wanted to be part of things that practiced compassion and kindness; I came to see those qualities as moral. Reading LCM’s letters, etc, I realized how little compassion he practiced (yes, understatement of the century). It was a major help in my decision. So, thank you all for engaging with me, and thanks for keeping this cafe up and running! I’ll keep ramblin’ with you!

I would like to point out, for new arrivals, that being a Christian is not a requirement of this site. People from a wide variety of belief systems and those with no belief system at all are equally welcome here. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the makers of.......

Me, Welcome!! I am so happy that you are getting help for your promlems!! For me, admitting that I needed help was a giant step. I also see a therapist, who mointers my medications. Some days are great; some days aren't. But nowdays, I know I have choices; I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. What a relief!!

Welcome Leah. Your posts here are inspiring, courageous, and commendable. Thank you for being here and for baring your feelings.

Raf, I agree!! Leah has perhaps more courage than most of us; she certainly has more than me!!

Actually, we really welcome people reading old posts. Sometimes it's what helps them make sense of what they saw, or what happened to them, during their time with TWI. And sometimes people can add an update on old material, if they've left more recently. If you are a recent leaver, Dukie, you are welcome to post what you know; you are welcome to add to current threads. You can have any viewpoint you like (some here are adamant Wierwille haters, others have been adamant Wierwille proponents). Just understand that what you post may be subject to challenge and debate, and if you post nonsense or abusive posts, you will be called on such posts.

DWBH,

And it might also be in your local public library.

Thanks, everyone, for the welcome. I find that through these difficulties, others’ compassion is pure gold. I love that several of you are here to help the rest of us - thank you! Taxidev and Waysider, I would say I’m atheist when I’m angry and agnostic when I’m calm. It’s wonderful that so many perspectives are represented here. That’s how we learn, right? I’m finding lately that some of the things I still struggle with have so much to do with cult practices - “us vs. them” being one of them. It seems to me that served the purpose of keeping people trapped. At the same time, I do believe the people that promoted these ideas - the leaders of the 90s, at least, were true believers. I’ve run into people who assume/believe they all had nefarious intentions, but in knowing some of them, they believed the, um, stuff they were spreading. Doesn’t really make me any less angry, but...perhaps slightly more compassionate. T-Bone, I’ve read Undertow and really loved it. I think Penworks was both direct and compassionate in her telling, and I so appreciated that. Pretty much every person who has been a major influence in my early life is or was in twi. There’s so much of the love I’ve experienced mixed in with basically abuse and violation, and that’s incredibly difficult to separate. Anyway, I tend to ramble, so, thank you all for welcoming me. :-)

"Acts 29" and "Ready for Anything" were soft rock."It's Hot" and "God First" were hard rock. "Breakthrough" was soft rock. "A Thought Away" was medium rock. We discussed that a while back when someone asked for the lyrics to his spoof of "Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". Seems he doesn't perform songs off that album anymore. This makes sense, as my guess was that he wanted to distance himself from his own personal list of "stupid things I did in twi". (I know I do.) I do wonder if he performs stuff off "A Fistful of Scriptures", however.