Confession of sins

[Abigail]

There is a person, who I will call Z. Z has gone out of his/her way to try to humilate me for a number of years now. Z has sent emails to my family, their friends, and even my father's co-workers, trying to reveal all of my past sins. It has come to my attention that Z has now been trying to reveal my past sins here at the cafe as well. The moderators have been awesome, but this must be a lot of unnecessary work for them.

I have decided that perhaps the best way to handle this situation is just to put it all out there in the open, or as much of it as I can, without getting myself into hot water with the moderators. While I am not proud of everything from my past, I no longer live in constant shame of it either - which is what Z would like for me to do.

When I was just out of high school, I very foolishly married a boy I barely knew. I was young and terrified of facing the world. I didn't think I was smart enough for college and I desperately wanted out from under my mother's roof. So, I ran off and married a boy who was in the army, that I barely knew. He was the most sophisticated and worldly boy I had ever met and I was in absolute awe of him. It was a disaster, to say the least. But to keep it short I won't bore you with many of the details. It was a shortlived marriage, less than 6 months. I was miserable and my self-esteem dropped even further. He often told me I was fat and that I was crazy. That I was "lucky" he was kind enough to marry me. Now the latter may sound absolutely stupid, but you have to understand that growing up, my mom used to tell me I was "damaged goods" and no man would ever want to marry me.

Anyway, I ended up running off to another state with another boy. Also, stupid. The other boy and I actually lived together for about a year and a half before we got married (another marriage that lasted less than a year). We may have had a half way decent chance of it too - we were young, but we got along pretty well. But we moved back to our home state and that was the beginning of the end. At first it was okay, I joined a healthclub and was exercising and feeling good about myself, I was working, and I was going to a community college and getting good grades.

But then he joined a band. The band practiced in our livingroom, so almost every night there was a party. Lots of alcohol, a decent amount of drugs too. For a while, I stayed out of it and just kept doing my own thing. But eventually, I joined in too. Pretty soon I dropped out of school and I was outdrinking most of the guys. I did a lot of things in those days I am not proud of, including cheating on my husband. I was an absolute walking nightmare.

Naturally, it wasn't long before I was caught and the marriage was over. It was shortly after that (a couple of months) that I joined up with TWI. My mom was sick and dying, my life was an absolute mess, I was filled with guilt and shame, and I wanted to turn my life around.

I eventually married again, to someone who was also in TWI. To the person who brought me to TWI. We were together for about 10 years - which is about how long I was in TWI. I won't go into the details of what did and did not occur. Sufficite to say that I left TWI before him and I was faithful to him the entire time we were together. I would also add I have been "clean and sober" since joining and leaving TWI and that alone has made a huge difference in my life.

Now, Z would like to make it sound like the stuff that happened (almost 20 years ago now) is something that occured more recently than that. Z would like to make it sound like it is stuff that is still occuring. However, that is not the case. Z would like to take my past and beat me over the head with it until there is nothing left of me but a little ball of shame.

However, while I am not proud of my past, I am very proud of my present and I will not let my past stop me from having a future.

[excathedra]

Z should be very ashamed

love you ab, don't need "no explanation"

[mstar1]

We dont communicate much but I read most of your posts and your a real jewel Abi...

You have nothing to be ashamed of....and dont be....dont buy it for a second.

By our age everyone has some history. Everyone. Its how we learn.

Ex is right pinhead "Z" is the only one who should be ashamed, his/her behaviour in the present has no redeeming qualities.

See my signature \/ down there "illegitmus non carborundum"?

Its latin for "Dont Let the bastard get you down"

ive had it there for a few months and I mean it.

Don't.

Edited August 18, 2006 by mstar1

[krys]

I agree with everyone.

Mstar's point about history is really good. We all do have one and most of us would rather keep the seamy sides of our lives in the closet. But I've come to realize that growing out of those seamy sides sometimes make us who we are now. Learning those thins to overcome our "badness" is the beginning of our strengths.

You're a strong woman, so you've overcome. And I'm proud to share a BBS with you anytime. Hat's off to your bravery too.

[ChattyKathy]

Abi,

You're a wonderful woman. Obviously a precious wife to Sushi and without question a fantastic mother as well.

Z is a ....head.

Kathy

[Tom Strange]

You are a different person now... and it doesn't matter what happened so many years ago... not to me, not to us... you haven't tried to be someone you're not, you are who you are and we like that person (most of us anyway :) )...

Like others have said, there's no "confession" necessary...

Two letters come to mind: F Z

[johniam]

Abigail: I don't know if you still pray or not, but it does say in scripture that it is a righteous thing with God to recompence tribulation to them which trouble you. It doesn't say you have to witness to 50 people a week to qualify for this. Just a thought.

[GarthP2000]

10 will get your one, that pinheadZ won't respond to this, which shows the type of twit he that he is.

Abi, I agree, you are indeed a **jewel** here. NOTHING can change that.

:)

[dmiller]

Quote from Jerry Garcia --

SAN'S SOUCI! (NO PROBLEM) ~~~ my perpsective about your life ---

Tell that bozo *Z* to take a long hike over a tall cliff..

he might learn something on the way down.

And if not -- too bad.

Edited August 18, 2006 by dmiller

[oilfieldmedic]

Heck Abi...I just love ya'!

and what's-his-name there with ya too...LOL

[Linda Z]

Abi, Z is obviously a bonehead. You have overcome much and you're so right: Who you are now is what matters, not the mistakes of the past. As mstar says, we've all made 'em!

[CoolWaters]

Shame.

In my life it has been the very most damaging weapon I have ever experienced. And when it sticks its ugly head up even now, I become either a whimpering fool or a raving lunatic. I am still very controlled by shame.

Whatever you need to do to NOT be controlled by shame, I say go for it.

People who use shame are murderers of the soul, imo.

[Abigail]

All I can say is, thank you.

[Belle]

(((((Abi)))))

Our character speaks for itself and yours is impeccable, my dear.

If folks haven't already seen Z for who he/she is, then they will soon enough. You do not, nor should you ever be made to feel like you have to share personal and private things on here. :( It really makes me angry that someone has done that.

Besides that, you ain't gotten nuthin' on me, Girlfriend. You want to hear some stories that'll make your hair curl just give me a call. I'll share mine and you'll feel much better very quickly! There's a reason I refuse to date guys who plan to get into politics.

Edited August 18, 2006 by Belle

[Tom Strange]

say it ain't so Belle!

[Kit Sober]

My momma told me, "Don't listen to people who talk behind the back of others because if they would talk behind the back of someone to you, they would talk behind the back of you to someone else."

[T-Bone]

I’m always amazed that character-assassination gods [and that’s the lowest case g I could find on my keyboard] are unaware of HOW MUCH their dribble reveals about THEM…….…Abigail, I’m with Belle about you – “Our character speaks for itself and yours is impeccable, my dear.” I always enjoy your posts, frequently learning about some interesting stuff - - - and really just want to say I have a lot of respect for you!

[coolchef]

abi you are a wonderful person

past is past today is today

z if you read this post you should be ashamed

you should be very ashamed

shame on you you a...h....

leave abi alone

right now

we know were you live and our friends are not to be phucked with

get it??

you better

[excathedra]

i understand shame way to much (((((((( cool my dear )))))))

anyway this kind of crap shouldn't even have to come up for sweet ab

you're gonna kill me but you know what crept into my mind.....

when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future

love,

your wayferhead

[topoftheworld]

Abi, you have been a wonderful person and insightful poster here that I have appreciated since I started hanging out here. One thing I know, is that I could care less about people's pasts: it's how they conduct themselves now that will speak volumes, and you have been exceptional.

Shame on whoever is trying to make you miserable. Geez, we all have a past.

EVEN YOU, Z!!!

Keep smiling, Abi-these people at GSC have your back! :)

[Cynic]

"Z" is a registered poster? What's his/her/its handle?

[dmiller]

when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

That speaks volumes!!!! :B) :B) :B)

[Linda Z]

Belle said:

There's a reason I refuse to date guys who plan to get into politics.

Hahahahahahahaha!

I hear that! I figure I'd better not run for office, either, unless someone wants an honest candidate who would admit to inhaling and a few other um, indiscretions.

[Abigail]

You guys are really great. For the most part, for me, the past is the past. I am not proud of all of the things I have done, but I can't go back and undo them either. Nor in all honesty, do I think I was ultimately that important of a figure in the lives of even those I hurt back then. It was all too long ago and we were all very young. Too stupid to even realize how stupid we were, me most of all.

The reason I put all of this out here is because Z's version of my past is filled with lies and half truths. The truth is ugly enough on its own. Z would like to make it sound even uglier still, and I imagine has in a number of posts that the moderators caught before they ever made it to the board.

I know a portion of the lies and half truths he/she told, because Z wanted to make sure I knew that someone was reading what he/she said, so he/she cc'd me in on a portion of the discourse. His/her goal, of course, was to humiliate and shame me in front of my friends. Perhaps he/she thought I would run and hide, I don't know, but he/she was mistaken. There may be some here who would judge me harshly, but I knew those who were my friends would not - and you haven't.

So yes, Cynic, Z is registered to post here, but I will not reveal who he/she is. The moderators are aware of the situation, and I will leave it to them.

[Nottawayfer]

Well, Abi, your reputation is apparent.....You are wonderful, caring, kind, and lovely. And like Tommy Strange said F Z!!!

Z isn't worth the pot to pi$$ in. If I heard Z say or post anything bad about you, I would tell them "You are talking out your a$$hole because your mouth knows better."

Edited August 19, 2006 by Wayfer Not